Dissociative Identity Disorder

Hey everyone,

Do you ever get that feeling where you badly want to share something with people, but often can't? Well I have something huge that I can never tell people. Very few people in my life know about my mental health, yet somehow I feel like telling it to a forum of people I have never met and probably never will meet.

I'll tell you a little about myself and my problem. I'm 20 years old (almost 21) I'm married to an amazing man who I hate to put through all this... and I have a split personality.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder must be one of the most rare mental health problems in the world... Which I guess is a good thing considering how awful it is.

My name is Kath, the other half of me is called Janine...

Kath is a very shy and quiet person, I have suffered numerous health problems, mental and physical. I have been bullied through out seconadary school and been made to drop out of college twice for health problems. I am not a woman who spends all day every day in the company of at least one over person usually my husband due to my health. I can't work or go out alone, yet it's not as bad as it all seems... despite everything I am happy most of the time... I do often get upset and cry, I do wish I could be more "normal" as it were. I wish I could go out alone or work. But maybe that's just something for the future.

I can only tell you about Janine from what I have seen in videos and from what other people have told me. Janine is a very angry person, she doesn't say very much. Janine seems to hate my husband for some reason, probably because he stops her from doing whatever she wants to do... Janine seems very sexual and a lot more confident than me. Janine seems to know everything about me and shares all my memories, yet I know nothing of her...

On occasion Janine has tricked my husband into making him think that she is me. My husband has told me that he has once had sex with Janine thinking it was me. He said that the sex was so different. In the bedroom I am very submissive I love being held out, tied up etc... Janine however hates being held down and likes to be on top apparently... I can't help but feel like my husband cheated on me when he had sex with Janine... I also feel like he may of enjoyed having sex with her more than he does me... I know in a way it's silly because it's the same body... but I just don't know how to explain it...

Luckily Janine is a fairly rare occurance I would say she "comes out" as my husband puts it about 1-2 times a month and usually only for a few hours...

I'm not sure what I hope for when I post this... Someone just to talk to about it all I guess.. It does feel like a lot to cope with, especially since my mum feels embaressed of my mental health and does her best to hide it from my family which means only 3 people in the world know about my problem... and noe anyone who reads this lol.

If you have read this thank you for taking the time. If you do have any questions about my mental health I really don't mind them being asked.... The ammount of doctors I see you get used to it lol :P

Thanks :D Kath xxx

Wow. Just wow. O_O I think split personality is something that interests me the most, as it just seems absolutely impossible that something like that would happen to a person. At first, I was wondering if it wasn't split personality, as you could name your 'other half' and describe her, but if you don't know anything about her if you weren't told about her... well that's a completely different and worrying matter.

Can I ask if you suddenly wake up in a random place at a random time? Like do you suddenly lose consciousness? It seems to me that Janine is the exact opposite of who you are. Because of that being the case, I guess it's a neurochemical in your brain which becomes concentrated in an area of your brain. And as with the memory problems as you switch... perhaps there's various parts of your brain which are 'activated' in a way. I wouldn't know, though. You've looked at the wikipedia page so you know more than me. I'm making wild guesses.

I wondered if I had a sort of split personality when I was younger as I seemed to be loud at one point and scarily quiet at the other. I guess it isn't, since I can remember everything that's going on with me. There seemed to be times when my mind became completely blank and I became emotionless. So that could be some sort of a fail split personality where the other is non-existant. But I know I don't have any sort of split personality. My mind just shuts down when I'm traumatised. And I run away from everyone.

I do hope you find some way of coping with the illness. It does seem like a horrible disorder to have, especially since your other personality is the opposite of who you want to be.

all I can say Kath is you're a very brave young lady.

I'm not sure if there are treatments for your condition or not, but the fact that you have a very tolerant husband is brilliant and must give you great comfort.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about your husband's experience with your other side - she is another part of you - just a side that you don't see very often.  She may have a different name, but ultimately - she is you with different behaviour.

I realise you might feel inside that your husband betrayed you with Janine - but I'm sure that's not the case.  He loves you for who you are - both you and Janine. 

When I was a little younger (About14-15) split personality used to really interest me, I wasn't even convinced it was a real health problem, I guess that was only because I had never seen it before... I think I first became aware of Janine when I was about 16-17 I recall I often used to have patches of my memory where I couldn't remember anything. I have a few times "came too" as I call it in a nightclub and very often in front of a mirror... For some reason I used to come too infront of mirrors a lot. Janine also used to self-harm... At least I assume that's what used to happen I used to often come too and find cuts on my self that looked as if I did them myself.

At first when I started having black outs I didn't tell anyone, they mainly used to happen late at night and I would usually come too in my house somewhere, only about 2-3 times have I came too outside of my house and they were both in nightclubs... luckily they were pretty close to my house.

When I first was brave enough to speak up about it I was about 18, I told my doctor what had been happening. I was monittored for a while and had to keep a diary of everyday. When I went back to the doctors with my diary he noticed it onlt happened at night... My doctor diagnoised me with a sleep condition and serve sleep walking, I was given sleeping pills and some other pills to try and stop me from "Sleep walking"

The first time I had any idea that I wasn't infact sleep walking but had a split personality was again when I was about 18. Sometimes people I didn't know would say hi to me as if we had met before. Once I was being served in a shop when the guy serving me started speaking to me like we knew each other. I told him that I didn't think we had met before and he told me we had met only a few weeks ago in a nightclub... he called me Janine. I felt pretty freaked out and left the store. I told myself that he must be wrong, he must of gotten me confused for someone else... Then it started to happen more and more often. People I had never met before would start talking me to and calling me Janine... I told them all that they were wrong, that I was Kath and I had never ,met them before....

Eventually I went back to the doctors and told them all about it. I saw a specialist and was asked a lot of questions. The specialist sent me for some brain scans and blood tests, it was then he discovered that I didn't have a sleep problem at all, I had a split personality. I had councelling and I have had numerous doctors try to get Janine to come out on demand, but it never happens.

I was desperate to see for myself what Janine was like so I bought some I.P cameras and set them up all over my house on record, I thought that way if Janine came out I could see what she would do... Annoyingly Janine doesn't seem to like being filmed so she would often un-plug the camera.

When I first got with my husband I was open with him about Janine, I don't think he believed me at first. The first time he met Janine she hated him and was trying to attack him... It freaked him out, but he never gave in. I told my husband that if Janine did come out he was allowed to restrain her untill he was sure it was me again. Unfortunatly since she has so much knowledge about me she can trick people very easily...

When Janine comes out I don't feel anything, it's odd 1 minute I will be say sitting on my bed having a conversation with my husband, next thing I know I will be somewhere else and have a spliting head ache... I always get a headache afterwards.

You & hubby must both be so strong to cope with this.

May I ask a question? Do you know that Janine has "come out" when you're back again?

I understand that sometimes dissociative identities can be caused by severe mental pain - if this is the case for you, I hope that your doctors help you deal with the hurt that's causing Janine's angry personality. I was bullied at school (though only for a few years & I had friends who supported me) and I appreciate that these experiences stay with you for life. Remember it's the bullies' weakness, not yours though.

Thanks for sharing that with us Kath - I doubt i'd have ever had such a personal account of it had you not told us.

Love & hugs CCW x

Hi Kathy. You are an amazing, brave young lady.

Thanks for sharing. *hugs* x

CurlyCoupleWife wrote:

You & hubby must both be so strong to cope with this.

May I ask a question? Do you know that Janine has "come out" when you're back again?

I understand that sometimes dissociative identities can be caused by severe mental pain - if this is the case for you, I hope that your doctors help you deal with the hurt that's causing Janine's angry personality. I was bullied at school (though only for a few years & I had friends who supported me) and I appreciate that these experiences stay with you for life. Remember it's the bullies' weakness, not yours though.

Thanks for sharing that with us Kath - I doubt i'd have ever had such a personal account of it had you not told us.

Love & hugs CCW x

No I don't really know, I mean now I have a good idea because obviously there will be a whole section of time that I have no memory of and someone is always with me so they will tell me about what happened. But like I said in an earlier post at first I had no idea. I just went with what the doctor said and believed I had an odd sleeping/sleep walking disorder.

Thanks for the kind messages everyone. It is lovely to feel so accepted :)

xxx

The mind really is a very odd thing isn't it?

I don't really have any advice or anything for you and it would be pretty arrogant to pretend I knew more about it than you do. Just wanted to say that it's interesting for me but it's reality for you.

It must be really scary to know that your body has been walking around without you having any idea of where its been.

 if you dont mind me saying, its very interesting to read about but also really really scary! you are such a brave woman for living like this!

That is seriously scary. O_o I wonder if your brain is patchy in the sense that there are spots where there is very little activity. Perhaps that why you have headaches, because much of your brain has very little activity because those patches that are usually not active are suddenly taking over. I don't know. It's very strange. I assume this because if they found out it was split personality very quickly when looking at your brain scan... I dunno. Have you seen the scan for yourself?

It's just freaky how you leave a trail around as if like a ghost of some sort with the tearing down the cameras and talking to strangers. When did you actually begin to have blackouts?

The fact that it happened at night is quite bizarre. Is it ALWAYS night time? I remember when my mind first became completely blank. It was at night, and the very next day, it happened again for no reason at all. That's what made me think it might be split personality, but the problem is that I remember it all, so it couldn't have been that. After that, it only happens when I become severely depressed. I just remember that I only moved away from people when it's dark. When someone turned off the light in the hostel when we were on a school trip abroad, I stood and walked out. To this day, the song 'Chasing Cars' sticks to my heart because it was playing at the exact time when I walked into the building when I was blank.

Perhaps I WAS bordering on split personality. Maybe my mind became blank because almost all the areas of my brain have become inactive, therefore unable to speak or think or actually register much of what people are saying. And because there weren't any patches, the whole brain just sort of shut down. I can only assume that it's the inactive parts of the brain taking over, as Janine seems like she's nothing like you at all. I just wonder how people get even more than one more personality... O_o

I have to say that what truly puzzles me most, and I've only just thought of it now, is why the second personality has a name. By rights, she wouldn't have a name to begin with, so why does she have one, and why has she chosen it?

Also, I can't believe I've forgotten to mention this, have you heard of Phineas Gage? Basically, a metal rod was blasted through his skull, decimating part of his brain. He survived, but his attitudes altered dramatically. He basically became the opposite to what he used to be, which is very much like your situation. It's not another personality he's taken, he just behaved much differently. I'm wondering with the connections between neurons being altered, if other parts were activated as a substitution for the part of his brain that was ripped out.

I read it and it was bit scary. I think you and your husband have to be very strong to be able to cope with something like this.

I did read about these things and heard a lot from a friend who wanted to study psychology, but this is the first time I am reading a personal experience of someone who actually has to live with it. It does remind me of a bit Jekyll and Hyde.

I wish there was something which could be done to help with this. I hope you can keep your spirit up and cope with this disorder. Good luck

Ginger Ninja Minge wrote:

That is seriously scary. O_o I wonder if your brain is patchy in the sense that there are spots where there is very little activity. Perhaps that why you have headaches, because much of your brain has very little activity because those patches that are usually not active are suddenly taking over. I don't know. It's very strange. I assume this because if they found out it was split personality very quickly when looking at your brain scan... I dunno. Have you seen the scan for yourself?

It's just freaky how you leave a trail around as if like a ghost of some sort with the tearing down the cameras and talking to strangers. When did you actually begin to have blackouts?

The fact that it happened at night is quite bizarre. Is it ALWAYS night time? I remember when my mind first became completely blank. It was at night, and the very next day, it happened again for no reason at all. That's what made me think it might be split personality, but the problem is that I remember it all, so it couldn't have been that. After that, it only happens when I become severely depressed. I just remember that I only moved away from people when it's dark. When someone turned off the light in the hostel when we were on a school trip abroad, I stood and walked out. To this day, the song 'Chasing Cars' sticks to my heart because it was playing at the exact time when I walked into the building when I was blank.

Perhaps I WAS bordering on split personality. Maybe my mind became blank because almost all the areas of my brain have become inactive, therefore unable to speak or think or actually register much of what people are saying. And because there weren't any patches, the whole brain just sort of shut down. I can only assume that it's the inactive parts of the brain taking over, as Janine seems like she's nothing like you at all. I just wonder how people get even more than one more personality... O_o

The first  blackouts I am aware of having started when I was about 16, but thinking about it I guess it would of started when I was as young as 10-11... At first it was only at night, it's only in the past year that it has started to sometimes happen during the day, but 9/10 it happens at night or at least in the evening.

Hi Kathy

I want to say thank you for choosing to share this with us, being so open is never easy even if it is on a forum such as this.

You are an amazing woman x

At this point, I'm wondering if Janine needs help herself. Maybe that's the problem. You said yourself you've been bullied at school. Can I ask how bad it became? Perhaps it's the trauma of it which caused you to split. One side is a kind, introverted person, the other being angry and extroverted, as is seen with when you're approached by people you've never met and they claim they know you. Maybe the other side of you emerges as a sort of defence mechanism to maintain some sort of equilibrium to get what you normally cannot get: revenge for those that wronged you.

I would like to speak to Janine - not for my benefit at all, but so that I can get answers out of her and tell you about it so you can understand her more. Perhaps you could live together in harmony, in a way. I know you'd probably rather she'd never exist, but it's better than her hurting your husband and whatever. Janine is a seperate consciousness that wants to live, just as you do - which really does sound strange, considering she's you in a vague way and she was born in the mind, not the body.

I'm not great at things like this, where I try to help people who have issues with their behaviours and mood. I'd like to try to help if that's possible. I have, at least seen through holes in problematic situations and solved them in a Shelock Homes-esque style, though in no way am I as good as him!

I do, I have to say, and am sorry for saying this, sort of doubt that you have split personality. It's just that it's not common at all, but it does happen. And I don't know how it happens. I don't even think anyone knows how it happens. But I'm going to firmly believe that you're telling the truth, and I honestly think you're telling the truth. I may have offended you with that, and I'm truly sorry if I did.

Actually, saying what I did in the second paragraph, perhaps psychotherapy could help you in this situation, since drug therapy wouldn't help you, and there doesn't seem to be any other alternative.

Ginger Ninja Minge wrote:

At this point, I'm wondering if Janine needs help herself. Maybe that's the problem. You said yourself you've been bullied at school. Can I ask how bad it became? Perhaps it's the trauma of it which caused you to split. One side is a kind, introverted person, the other being angry and extroverted, as is seen with when you're approached by people you've never met and they claim they know you. Maybe the other side of you emerges as a sort of defence mechanism to maintain some sort of equilibrium to get what you normally cannot get: revenge for those that wronged you.

I would like to speak to Janine - not for my benefit at all, but so that I can get answers out of her and tell you about it so you can understand her more. Perhaps you could live together in harmony, in a way. I know you'd probably rather she'd never exist, but it's better than her hurting your husband and whatever. Janine is a seperate consciousness that wants to live, just as you do - which really does sound strange, considering she's you in a vague way and she was born in the mind, not the body.

I'm not great at things like this, where I try to help people who have issues with their behaviours and mood. I'd like to try to help if that's possible. I have, at least seen through holes in problematic situations and solved them in a Shelock Homes-esque style, though in no way am I as good as him!

I do, I have to say, and am sorry for saying this, sort of doubt that you have split personality. It's just that it's not common at all, but it does happen. And I don't know how it happens. I don't even think anyone knows how it happens. But I'm going to firmly believe that you're telling the truth, and I honestly think you're telling the truth. I may have offended you with that, and I'm truly sorry if I did.

Actually, saying what I did in the second paragraph, perhaps psychotherapy could help you in this situation, since drug therapy wouldn't help you, and there doesn't seem to be any other alternative.

I was bullied very badly at school, during my second year or secondary school I was so depressed that I actually tried to kill myself a couple of times... I went through a lot of bad times as a child/ teenager my parents split up when I was 8/9 years old. My dad got with a girlfriend who treated me very badly, she did many terrible things to me like: stealing from me, forcing me to eat food I didn't like, starving me, telling me that my dad was going to move away and never see me again if I didn't do exactly as she wanted all the time, she did pretty much everything other than hitting me, but my dad took care of that part. My dad hit me a few times for no reason, and I'm not talking a little slap. I would get full blown punched in the face to being kicked whilst on the floor (needless to say I don't see my dad anymore)

I also went through a very abbusive relationship when I was about 13 which lasted a couple of years... I'm just so glad that my adulthood is nothing like my teenagehood :D

At first when I started to research DID I didn't think it would be possible for me to have it, but apparently my brain scans reveal otherwise they found that I have smaller amygdala volumes or something :/ I have seen a total of ...... *counts* around 15 doctors 3 of which where at a private hospital. After all that I finally started to believe that I was one of the very rare people suffering from DID. Don't worry I don't take any offence it is a very hard thing to believe... I don't think I would believe it myself if I didn't live it.

I would love to say that I will make Janine come online and post on here, but I doubt she will, she never seems to do what I want her to do :/ if anything she usually does the opposit.

Oh also I think someone a while ago mentioned that they wondered why Janine was called Janine. This was something I was very curious about untill recently. I asked my husband to whenever Janine came out to try and speak to her and ask questions. One of them was to ask why she was called Janine. Janine replied by saying that one of the first times she came out EastEnders (The BBC Soup) was on and she really liked the charector Janine....

Interesting.

I didn't know at first you did a post before the second one. That, I have to say, seems beyond traumatic. I must say that I think the full on puching may have done something in damaging your brain and causing your two personalities to split. I'm pretty sure the second personality is a defense mechanism to make you cope in difficult situations, but obviously it's getting a bit out of hand. So at this point, we need to treat Janine as a separate human being, since she has her own memories, thoughts and emotions.

I don't know anything about Janine on Eastenders, as I never watch soap operas. I might watch it to see what the character is like... And I guessed that she'd behave like that. Perhaps it's because she knows that she doesn't belong to your body and feels cheated when you're giving orders to her because she thinks you want to get rid of her. I'm wondering if you could leave messages out for her to acknowledge her presense and that you're fine with the fact she exists. An image just popped up in my mind how it would be like to communicate with each other, which is basically what you'll have to do in the long run. I think it could melt her heart in a way and feel accepted. Just think of the little girl you used to be and not feeling accepted. I'd leave out the ordering her to message me. It'd probably makes things a tad worse.

I'm so glad you managed to through it all, though. You have a much better life now, and you just need to cope with Janine. My best guess is that she's an echo of your younger self and that she wants acceptance, which is why she's going to random nightclubs and making friends with people.

Wait, I had a look about amygdala, and it sort of makes sense. So the patchy activity in there affects which memories of certain emotions you have. Hmm, I'll have a think about that... :/

Ah, yes, that makes perfect sense! Basically, the amygdala controls how much neurotransmitters are released. These impulses created by the amygdala move to different areas of the brain to release certain neurotransmitters. That could be what causes the sudden change in behaviour, and explains some of the symptoms you have. I'll think about it some more. I don't understand very well why you have blackouts and an alter ego. I guess it's just like sleep, so maybe there's a lack of neurotransmitters, therefore creating a temporary blackout when you shift personalities. I think that's what it is, anyway. I think that when a person is going to sleep, the brain knows that the person is tired, and so reduces the amount of neurotransmitters to reduce the activity of the brain. Hence why sometimes it's difficult getting to sleep, as the brain doesn't realise you're tired and, in my experience, think a lot and can't seem to stop thinking about things.

Sorry for the triple post...

Doesn't look like I'll need to watch Eastenders to see what the character Janine is like. I'd get much less information from it than the Wikipedia page about her, which I've just discovered, and I just knew the character just had to be a complete villain. That makes things rather iffy since she's motivated by negative attitudes - mainly by aggression. If she's modelling herself to what the character is like, then it's best if we do help her before she decides to do something foolish. She must still have respect for you seeing as she hasn't done anything ridiculously stupid yet.