Anyone know any good jokes?

 Thank you so much SG I loved everyone of them. It must have taken ages to type so thank you I do appreciate it. 

LMF xx 

No problem LMF! :) I like a good joke too!

I'll stick some more in (jokes that is, naughty!) over the weekend.
SG x

Has anyone seen new member Nazrul's avatar.

Talk about flouting health+safety legislation!

Clear the emergency exit man!

"Fire!" ;)

A guy stumbles out of a bar drunk and looking for a fight.
Just walking past is a nun minding her own business.
*BAM*
The drunk hits her in the face and she goes down like a sack of bricks.
The drunk kicks her twice in the stomach while she's down on the floor.
As she's laying there thinking, "OH MY LORD! HELP ME!" the drunk grabs her by her habit, yanks her to feet and slams her up against a wall.
As she stands, shaking, he leans in real close to her and says through gritted teeth, "No so f***ing hard tonight are we, batman?"

Good one! ^^^^^^

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'Fuck him, Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

This is the story of a blonde female flying in a two-seater airplane with just the male pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and, I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower.. I have received your message and I will talk you through it, I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just relax and everything will be fine! Now, give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father who art in heaven. . ."

 Crackers, love em! 

LMF 

My wife swallowed after a blow job last night for the first time in 5 years.

Maybe it's a sign she's coming out of the coma.

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe.

Apparently the other six put him up to it

 OMG BB the coma one, outrageous, but I couldnt stop laughing!!! 

LMF 

I know much worse but dare not post them on here!

 A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

There was a man who fell into an upholstery machine, but now he's fully recoverd.

Bladebabe, if you can't post them here, where can you post them?

The coma one reminded me of this ...

Guys wife is in a coma and, for months, he has visited her daily.
One day as his visit comes to an end he leans over to kiss her goodbye and his hand accidentally brushes her nipple. She moans a little.
Excitedly he calls a doctor in and explains what had happened.
The doctor says, "It's a little unorthodox but maybe some sexual contact between you would help bring her out of the coma. Give it a try, I'll see you are left alone a while," and leaves the room.
5 minutes later the familiar long, low bleep of a flatlining patient rings from the room and the doctor hurries in.
He shouts to the man, "What did you do?"

The man replies, "It was just oral sex, that's all!"

The doctor says, "Oral sex? How did that make her flatline?"

The man repliles, "She choked on my cock."

 Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.... 
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could 
change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.' .  .  .  .  .  .

'I've found Cod' 

I'm a Prawn again Christian!

 Groan!!

 Thanks SG I read this at 3am this morning and I laughed like a drain. Fab, fab, fab!

LMF It's the way I tell em! :) 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis is so weak he staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres; Pepe weakly crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees.... 

Ees...

Ees... 

Ees... 

Ees... 

Ees.... a ham bush." 

 That's cornier than yesterdays!!