Anyone know any good jokes?

Two fish in a tank

One says to the other "You man the guns and I'll drive"

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and
Thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
Around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
With a cock like that."

Honeytongue wrote:

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. At the gates of heaven, St Peter asks the girls if they have ever had any contact with a penis...

The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip with her finger. St Peter asks her to dip her finger into the holy water before she's allowed in. The next girl says she fondled one so has to put her whole hand in the water. There is suddenly a commotion with Jenny pushing in at the front.

"What's the rush?" asks St Peter.

" I want gargle that holy water before Kathy has to stick her arse in it!"

 

So funny!

Gaddafi once had it all and now he has nothing. He's slowly watched his empire crumble, his most trusted have fled to the opposition and his once mighty defence has collapsed... Now the world is laughing at him... Sorry did I say Gaddaffi? I meant wenger.

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

Gaddafi once had it all and now he has nothing. He's slowly watched his empire crumble, his most trusted have fled to the opposition and his once mighty defence has collapsed... Now the world is laughing at him... Sorry did I say Gaddaffi? I meant wenger.

*Groan*

It is about right though!

DODGY EMAIL GOING AROUND. . . .Don't open any emails saying "two free tickets to see Everton".

It contains two free tickets to see Everton.

Paul McCartney is gonna be pissed off when he finds out his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last one.

Bill Kenwright has said after the coin throwing at Goodison against Liverpool on saturday, Everton have £3.76 to spend in the January window.

For the lovely MTC ;) x

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

Bill Kenwright has said after the coin throwing at Goodison against Liverpool on saturday, Everton have £3.76 to spend in the January window.

For the lovely MTC ;) x

Pfffttt....... You can fall out with people you know.... and I saw the other one a few posts above this.... Your card is marked SG ;) xx

Just read this on FB, made me smile, no offence meant at all....I emailed it to my sister who's a blonde, and I'm a redhead, haha....

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
And as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

Lol. Love it!

That dodgy email one is funny though!

:S

Hmmmm...... your card remains marked SG ;)

xx

I work in a Jewellers, a woman came in and asked what sort of watch i would suggest for her carribean husband.  She wasn.t impressed when i said Neighbourhood.

I was chatting to a Gypsy girl last night, when she asked did i fancy goin back to hers for a good time.  She wasn't fucking kidding, ......I went on the Waltzers, the Dodgems, the Ghost Train and went home with  a Goldfish....Result.

The co-writer of the long running sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, David Croft,has died at the age of 89.
A family spokesman said "He pissed away in his slop".

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

The co-writer of the long running sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, David Croft,has died at the age of 89.
A family spokesman said "He pissed away in his slop".

 

This made me giggle. 

sharry wrote:

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

The co-writer of the long running sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, David Croft,has died at the age of 89.
A family spokesman said "He pissed away in his slop".

 

This made me giggle. 

Me too!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £800 a year!'

 "We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" says the barman. A neutrino walks into the bar.

Thanks suicide nt pt 2

Heard these today and they made me smile...

The fairy liquid adverts have been updated to reflect modern society.

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft?" asks the little girl.

"Because I'm only 14, now go fuck off and go and eat your pot-noodle"!!!!!!

My husband went to a meeting for premature ejaculaters tonight. He didn't know what to wear, so he phoned them first. They told him to just come in his pants!!!!

Have you heard that a man was arrested last night for openly masturbating in the newsagents? Apparently, it's all over the papers!!!!

Marriage is like a pack of cards. When you start out all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!!!