Anyone know any good jokes?

God you're hard to please Sharry! ;) x

I had a happy childhood. . . .

My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill.

They were Good years.

Shagged my best friends husband last night and now I feel awful.

He must have had flu or something

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

God you're hard to please Sharry! ;) x

I had a happy childhood. . . .

My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill.

They were Good years.

But this one made me laugh! Well, seems we've found my 'level'. 

 http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/the-world%E2%80%99s-worst-george-clooney-lookalike.html This is the funniest thing I have heard and see all week! 

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

____________________________________

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

_________________________________________________________

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Brilliant Rowan ^^^^^

How true.

 These are all fab and I have to say Sharry they are all on my level! LOL 

LMF xx

I just got knocked off my bike by a lorry salting the roads.

"FUCK YOU" I screamed, through gritted teeth...

Heard that Snow White got kicked out of Disneyland.

They found her sat on Pinnochio's face singing tell me lies tell me sweet little lies!

 Oh SG just when we think they can't get any worse......groan!!!! But so so funny. 

LMF xx

LilMissFrustrated wrote:

 Oh SG just when we think they can't get any worse......groan!!!! But so so funny. 

LMF xx

 need I say more?

A guy goes into a public loo.

On the door is written 'Beware of poofters'. He goes in, does his business and then goes to the sink to wash his hands. On the mirror is written 'Beware of poofters'. On his way out the door he noticed something written on the skirting boarding.

He bent down to read it. It said 'You were warned twice!'

I'll get me coat! :)

SEXYGET 69 wrote:

A guy goes into a public loo.

On the door is written 'Beware of poofters'. He goes in, does his business and then goes to the sink to wash his hands. On the mirror is written 'Beware of poofters'. On his way out the door he noticed something written on the skirting boarding.

He bent down to read it. It said 'You were warned twice!'

I'll get me coat! :)

 Oh boy!!!!

At least you kind of redeem yourself with fantastic cheesecakes!!!!!

I can't quite believe I am saying this but keep them coming LOL.

LMF xx 

You said it ;) . . . .

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 SG, they're getting better and worse all at the same time...!!!

LilMissFrustrated wrote:

At least you kind of redeem yourself with fantastic cheesecakes!!!!!

Cheese cakes and cheesy jokes, you have a thing for cheese!

Thanks, I hate using 'LOL' but in this case it really did...!

 SG, SG, SG oh so bad but oh so funny.

I was going to say they can't possibly get any worse but I know you would take that as a challenge and I don't think my sides could take it. 

LMF 

COUNSELING SESSION

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counselling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but......

on Fridays I fish."



The Woman Marine Pilot 

1. 
   The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 
   
   There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 
   
   "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 
   
   'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 
   
   
   
   She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Ira qi with her bare hands." 
   
   ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?" 
   
   "Don't annoy Mommy when she's been drinking."

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” - Anonymous

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” - Anonymous

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t. - James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Red Skelton

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want?” - Dumas

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - Sam Kinison

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous

1. A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying 
   A vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, 
   I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
   ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
   Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... 
   ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
   And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove 
   All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
   The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates. 

St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through".

Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

"Here's that tenor I owe you".