Anyone know any good jokes?

I don't seem to hear any jokes nowadays let alone good ones... I could do with a laugh (I'm sure other's could as well). So, can anyone tell me a joke? 

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth. Crossing the street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of god she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't fucken regognise you!"

 LOL!!! That's funny!

Thanks. 

Humor is so personal but I love the simplicity and play on words of this Woody Allen joke

' I experienced a fantastic example of oral contraception yesterday. I asked a beautiful girl if she would sleep with me and she said no'

Not as good as the above and I'll be using that one later!

 I like this quote from Annie Hall.

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."

Ha ha I like that one!

My favourite is this...

A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

Ba-doom-tsh.

Lovehoney - Alice wrote:

My favourite is this...

A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

Ba-doom-tsh.

 Groan!! 

 Two of my favourites:

Two fish swimming along swim headfirst into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Damn!"

Two monkeys in a bath, one says, "Oooh oooh oooh aah aah aaah!" and the other says, "So put some cold in then!"

(cue groans)

I admit it, I have a bad sense of humour *lol*

AnalLover wrote:

 Two of my favourites:

Two fish swimming along swim headfirst into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Damn!"

Two monkeys in a bath, one says, "Oooh oooh oooh aah aah aaah!" and the other says, "So put some cold in then!"

(cue groans)

I admit it, I have a bad sense of humour *lol*

I must have one too as it made me laugh. 

 I'd forgotten this one 'til last night. Hope you like it.

Mort and his friend Oscar have died and found themselves stood outside the pearly gates to Heaven with St Peter and his ledger.

"Well hello you two" says Peter "we've been expecting you, let me take a few details and we'll get you on your way" 

A few minutes later St Peter had finished taking their details and went on to describe the housing and transport arrangements in Heaven.  

"So, what happens is you're given a house and transport that befits your level of integrity and faithfulness in life.  Oscar, looking at my ledger I notice that you were unfaithful to your wife on five occasions, that you kissed you secretary in the store cupboard at a Christmas party and had impure thoughts about your high school teacher Miss Smith, as these are mortal sins we have to downgrade you to a semi detached and an executive saloon car "

Oscar is really pleased as he's handed to keys to a Jaguar. 

"So Mort," says St Peter "You've been, well, surprisingly faithful to your wife Mirna… never even kissed your secretary! You've had a couple of impure thoughts about your Sister in law but nothing really bad. I guess we can get away with that. You're lucky, here's the key to a mansion on Cloud Nine Drive and there's your Rolls Royce Silver Cloud." 

Mort is ecstatic and rushes over to the Rolls and drive off. 

Oscar gets in his Jag and sets off. As he drives along he sees his first wife, Marnie, driving a Jaguar also, he waves to her and they pull over and have a chat. After a while Oscar says "So I see you're driving a Fiesta?" 

"Well yes," says Marnie "I'm sorry Oscar, but you were working late all the time and I got lonely and the pool boy was so adorable… it was only a few times and it didn't mean anything" 

"I can't talk Marnie, i wan't always faithful to you, lets say we forgive and forget" 

They kissed, arranged to meet up the next day.

A few minutes later Oscar saw a Rolls Royce parked across the road, the drivers door open and a very distraught Mort sat on the kerb, head in his hands crying his eyes out. Oscar stopped his car and dashed over to Mort.

"What is it Mort? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I've just seen Mirna" sniffed Mort, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. 

"Well, what's wrong with that? You know she died a few years ago, surely you haven't forgotten that?" Asked Oscar

"No, I know…" said Mort breaking into fresh tears "but when I saw her she was on roller skates!!!!"

 Sorry noticed that I put Fiesta instead of Jag 

Ha ha like that one but I know I couldn't give a good delivery of that joke if I tried to tell it out loud!

 I can't even write it!

When Noah, of the arc, finally found dry land back in the days, he was marking of the animals as they exited the ship on his clip-board. 2 hippos, 2 giraffes, 2 antelopes, 2 elephants, 2 zebras, 369 rabbits, 2 lions, 2 tigers..........

Lolz! Good jokes!

My jokes are awful. Shan't even bore you with them!

When I am so tired , the best I can think of is ;

When is a door not a door ?

When it's a-jar !

Mable was asked the question in RE class "Who created the earth?" at which point the boy behind poked her which his pencil "God Almighty!" she said, "correct" said the teacher.

"Now Mable, tell me who died on the cross for all mankind?" the naughty boy poked her with his pencil again "Jesus Christ!" "right again" said the teacher.

"Can you tell what Eve said to Adam after the birth of their sixth child?" the boy poked her with his pencil yet again,  "If you stick that in me again, I'll snap it off and ram it up yer arse!!!" 

Mr Clumsy wrote:

Mable was asked the question in RE class "Who created the earth?" at which point the boy behind poked her which his pencil "God Almighty!" she said, "correct" said the teacher.

"Now Mable, tell me who died on the cross for all mankind?" the naughty boy poked her with his pencil again "Jesus Christ!" "right again" said the teacher.

"Can you tell what Eve said to Adam after the birth of their sixth child?" the boy poked her with his pencil yet again,  "If you stick that in me again, I'll snap it off and ram it up yer arse!!!" 

Lol! I like this one!

Mr Clumsy wrote:

Mable was asked the question in RE class "Who created the earth?" at which point the boy behind poked her which his pencil "God Almighty!" she said, "correct" said the teacher.

"Now Mable, tell me who died on the cross for all mankind?" the naughty boy poked her with his pencil again "Jesus Christ!" "right again" said the teacher.

"Can you tell what Eve said to Adam after the birth of their sixth child?" the boy poked her with his pencil yet again,  "If you stick that in me again, I'll snap it off and ram it up yer arse!!!" 

I like it... and the others.