• Really need to vent and get some peoples views on this please :(

    1308184524
    LovingHer [sign in to see picture]
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     I have been with my OH for 2 years and we are currently on our summer break from uni so back for 3 months and I have gotten myself a fulltime summer job. We see each other only at the weekends and she is always so reluctant to plan ahead for what days at the weekend I can see her and if I get to see her in the week at all. I find this really infuriating as it means I cant plan anything if I want to make sure I'm free for when she is, and in all honesty I would like to see her a bit more than just saturday evening till sunday night time, even if it was just a couple of hours one evening.

    It has gotten to the point where we will argue over her reluctance to making plans/my need for having my week ahead planned and not being cancelled on the night before for a reason that was known atleast a few days in advance.

    All I want to know is am I asking for too much?

    1308185409
    Peachy keen [sign in to see picture]
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     I can only sympathise having been in a very similar situation.

    In my opinion you're not asking too much at all, but I can't really offer any help with resolving it. I just said I was sick of being messed around and couldn't cope with it. Did the trick for me, but probably a bit of a risky strategy all in all!

    1308185797
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    I think I understand your conceirn. When I was working for 12hours/day Monday to Friday I did have little time for myself and I guess I would also like to know what my partners plans are, regarless if working or not. I would understand cancellation, sometimes things happens which cannot be changed (like my boss calling me I have to go immediately to help somewhere the next day, or you can get sick etc.), but if she knows about it in advance, that is a bit selfish, I think (if that is what is happening). The thing is, if she is not working, she does not have time constrains and may feel less need to plan, because she has all the time she wants (but I dont know if she works or not, or maybe volunteer etc.). One problem is that the partner who has more time may be less willing to understand the other, who does not have it.

    I think the only solution is talk, but it does not always work (personal experience with one of my ex, who just... could not understand, he was not working, I was all summer and also had to do 5 weeks of fieldwork!).

    1308185941
    LovingHer [sign in to see picture]
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     I've said that in the past and she just refuses to see my side of things, it's as if everyone else can make a plan to see her then I'm just there for when she isn't busy, doesn't always feel like a mutually respectful relationship when stuff like that happens  I get told to make more plans of my own, but I know full well that if I did I wouldn't see her at all :/ although I'm tempted to try this route and let her see how it feels, but then she will just have a go saying just because she does something doesn't mean I have to, but I feel like it might be the only way to make my point actually hit home 

    Although I'm glad that you managed to resolve the situaionwhen it happened to you Peachy Keen  I think I will have to give it another shot :)

    1308186404
    LovingHer [sign in to see picture]
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    Laveila wrote:

    Hi,

    I think I understand your conceirn. When I was working for 12hours/day Monday to Friday I did have little time for myself and I guess I would also like to know what my partners plans are, regarless if working or not. I would understand cancellation, sometimes things happens which cannot be changed (like my boss calling me I have to go immediately to help somewhere the next day, or you can get sick etc.), but if she knows about it in advance, that is a bit selfish, I think (if that is what is happening). The thing is, if she is not working, she does not have time constrains and may feel less need to plan, because she has all the time she wants (but I dont know if she works or not, or maybe volunteer etc.). One problem is that the partner who has more time may be less willing to understand the other, who does not have it.

    I think the only solution is talk, but it does not always work (personal experience with one of my ex, who just... could not understand, he was not working, I was all summer and also had to do 5 weeks of fieldwork!).

     She works 3 shifts a week which are only 4 hours long so she has pretty much alot of free time,whereas I work 9-5 then 6-8 mon-fri.

    She cancelled on me for tomorrow not that much earlier tonight, when it was a reason she has known about since tuesday afternoon.

    This sums it up perfectly tbh, she really just doesn't seem to get why I am so fussed over OUR plans for the week ahead, I just want to be able to see her more than only at the weekends and I cant see why that is such a big deal when half the time she is home from 9pm onwards, I would be happy with 2/3 hours for one night .

    1308186972
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I can see it. When you are on tight schedule, you can hardly make a new plan, while she can. I really think you need a talk. And maybe show her how it feels. But you will need to find balance.

    I have to admit my relationship broke up over it. He texted me to Romania that it was over. Was pretty lovely. I do hope you have much better luck than I did.

    1308209530
    SweetSubmission [sign in to see picture]
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     I actually think you should make your own plans, LovingHer. Not out of spite, as in "well you see how it feels!" but just because it doesn't do your sanity any good to sit around waiting to be called upon. You can't be expected to sit around keeping yourself free just in case she decides she fancies seeing you, especially when you're working so hard. You're too busy, and your time off is too precious, for you to squander it by not being able to make plans.

    I think she's being incredibly thoughtless, and what's sad is that this is all too common a scenario, as peoples responses suggest. I do think it is a really big issue - I'm sort of sorry to agree with you, but I think you're right that it shows a lack of respect. You said that if you didn't carry on in this way, you'd never see her. I think that might force you to ask the question about how high you are on her priority list, and ask yourself whether you can live with the answer.

    I hope the situation inproves for you LovingHer, I really do.

    SS xx

    1308209733
    MrSarcastic [sign in to see picture]
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    These kinds of things are always hard to sort out and its hard for people to give input because we dont know either person either. But i can see why your frustrated i was going to suggest maybe seeing if you could stays hers one night during the week but of cause i dont know how you get to work or if you could get there from hers because i quite often stayed at my gfs even when i was ment to be at uni at crack of dawn lol

    As others have said the only thing you can really do is have a talk and see whats going on, explain you want to see her more than just weekends.

    1308221829
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Loving her have been there, long time ago.

    As Sweet Submission said you need to make your own plans, for the sake of your own sanity. But you also need to talk to her to find out why she doesnt want to make plans with you. I have a feeling that you may not like what you hear, its difficult for an outsider to judge from your posts but I get the feeling that she isnt happy or as committed to your relationship as you want her to be.

    If she wont communicate with you or give the two of you time together then you need to consider whether this is the right person for you.

    Good luck

    xGGx

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