• children overhearing you

    1407866216
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbags wrote:

    Centauress wrote:

    Can't afford a new bed, and there aren't any other rooms- well apart from living room or kitchen!

    I am sort of glad she wrote a letter, and sort of sad she couldn't just say it, but we ARE going to talk about it this evening.

    She is an stable, sexually active relationship, but it's long distance, so maybe she is, though this is a tough thought for a mother, maybe she is a little jealous or frustrated herself.

    That thought jumped to my mind too and someone else mentioned the possibility. If we are having issues in our own relationships and are feeling emotional, it can make us feel irrational towards others who seem to happy and content.

    It could also potentially be a much deeper issue surrounding sex and/or intimacy and I think you might want to listen very carefully for the things she doesn't say. Pay attention to any red flags that something deeper is going on for her and to let her know you are there for her/support her/want to help if there is anything bothering her.

    That's exactly what I had in mind. As someone who has had no luck in the dating department whatsoever, I can really imagine (a way too well - not that I am proud to admit so) that when people feel unhappy they can act in a funny way, often constructing a whole set of reasons why their own.... problem should actually be the fault of others...  Or why they should be made miserable, too.

    1407866701
    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    gotta run for a train so this is a really quick response, but as well as being reassured that you're doing nothing wrong and the problem is hers (seriously), it might be worth sitting down together and asking her to explain why it bothers her. And not just accepting "your my parents! <tantrum> <slam doors>" because that's not an answer.

    I get that 'kids' don't like hearing their parents at it (although at her age that should be tempered with far more understanding and acceptance!) but writing an 8 page letter about it?

    I'd say there's either something current that's not really related but she is lashing out at something easy to conceptualise, or she's got some rather unhealthy beliefs relating to sex and you could do with opening up a dialogue about them while it's being mentioned.

    1407867180
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    pinkanimal wrote:

    Y&f it seems you have a lot of issues surrounding this subject.
    However some of us with children especially younger ones simply cannot be expected to stop having sex!
    We lock our door most times and we try to be quiet. Sadly it cannot be helped when the bed makes noises. Can't afford a new one so that's it really.
    Even when my kids are older I still won't stop! It's a healthy part of a relationship x

    Young ones I understand, even though i did, I imagine most little kids have no idea. I slept like a brick like most kids but also had nightmares which meant I was a lot more aware at night and used to shout my mum or go running in to her room. She would never have been able to lock her door because I needed her, and I understand it's kind of my fault I saw the things I did as a young child.I understand now this was really hard for her and I was never an easy kid but I've been left with the damage no one else. 

    But older kids are more aware but aware enough kind of thing. As a young teen I walked in on men I never even knew we're there! Obviously when you're in a relationship it's different and she should understand better that it's important for a relTionship, especially as she's in one herself.

    I think moving out would do her good, it did wonders for me.

    1407867955
    Centauress [sign in to see picture]
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    You lot are amazing:)

    lots of seriously insightful ideas here.

    I will make sure I listen hard when we are talking later.

    Thank you all.

    1407869863
    Najila [sign in to see picture]
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    ok first things first, kudos to your daughter for writing an 8 page letter. In all honesty, any problems I ahve with my family, I can only write on 1-2 pages (maybe I am more of a verbal person), so some slight admiration for her skill there.

    Anyway, I'm 26, and I still live at home (not by choice here, jsut cant afford to move out and stuff atm), and I will be blunt. My parents have sex. I used to have a problem with it, but now I don't, thanks to having a talk with my parents about it (this was at the age of 18). I used to ahve a problem with it, and I would stay with my boyfriend at the time, but I grew up.

    Maybe you just need a good long conversation about the home shenanigans.

    Good luck!

    1407872490
    milkmaid [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    This is beyond immature. She is an adult, you are adults. You are all entitled to have sex! How does she think she was made in the first place??

    Even if I heard my parents being super loud (I am 23 and living with my parents temporarily) the last thing I would do is act like a bratty child and throw things around my room. Maybe she shouldn't just sit there and listen if she doesn't want to hear it?

    Ask her this; would she rather overhear the sex of a loving, functional relationship or have you two neglect each other and fall apart?

    Absolutely do not feel you have to let her away with this just because she has written some passive aggressive letter to you. Tell her you are hurt that she feels you should not have sex with your own partner just because she doesn't want to hear it.

    Frankly she needs to grow up. If she doesn't want to hear you having sex (NOTHING to be ashamed of), she is old enough to move out.

    Sum Sub wrote:

    She's 22?

    You say "you don't like it, move out!"

    Could not agree with you both more.  And lovebirds WOW what a mature response.  Our children are 18 & almost 15 & we go at it like rabbits at times. So what if they hear us ? Why should I be embarrassed ? But then again we were not much older when we had our eldest (22&23) so maybe it's generation thing. We still walk around in verging states of undress & the doors are left open in our bathroom, if they don't like it they have their own. We've always been loving & affectionate in front of them, sounds to me like she's got hang ups & that needs addressing & the sooner the better. Good luck x

    1407882515
    MattB [sign in to see picture]
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    Although it does sound rather petulant and childish on the surface, are you sure it's not a symptom of something deeper?

    You haven't mentioned whether your OH is her father or not, for example

    1407965077
    bigfoot [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi I am lurker too but  i just wanted  to sympathise with the OP. We have two adult children living at home and a teenager, the two eldest both have long term partners thats stay over several times a week, it is so difficult to not be over heard, it would be no good trying to stay awake until they had all gone to sleep as we are too tired and they all have to walk past our bedroom to the bathroom! We have had to speak to our son about his loud sex with his gf, especially during the day when we are all around but its part of adult life and as long as we all try to be respectful to each other its fine. I really feel for the OP its horrible to be made to feel guilty but hey thats what children ( of any age ) are good at. I do think it might be worth speaking to your daughter and see if something else is behind it? I hope you manage to sort this out .

    1407965145
    Khaleesi [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    She's 22?

    You say "you don't like it, move out!"

      + 1

    1407965583
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I hope everything went okay :)

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