Sex & Kids

Hi all,

Firstly, I'd like to say a big hello. I was also wondering whether anyone would be able to offer some advice.

My partner & I have been together for almost 6 years. For the first few of those, we enjoyed a ruddy marvellous sex life, which, eventually led to our first son being born 16 months ago. Fatherhood is amazing & my relationship with my partner is probably better than it ever has been.

But...

We've not had sex since the little man was conceived & that's a good two years ago now. Obviously things were going to change - noisy sex in assorted positions at all times of day all over the house was never going to be possible - however, she's just got absolutely no interest any more - indeed she actually said 'I'm glad I've got no interest in sex any more' the other day.

Is there anyone out there who's been through something similar?

Cheers,

Graham

Hi and welcome to the forums

Having a baby can have a major effect on a woman's sex drive, as can being tired and the hormonal changes you go through. Has she said why she has gone off sex? there can be so many reasons.

You need to talk but do it sensitively, maybe arrange for a babysitter so the 2 of you can go out and enjoy a date together. Dont expect it to lead to sex, but use is as a chance to spoil her and tell her how you feel about her. Communication is so important and its something that married couples can easily forget, was married for 13 years so understand that one.

My youngest was born about 6 weeks before the first one would have turned 3 which doesnt sound too bad til you realise there was another inbetween. My body took a long time to recover from the effects of being pregnant and I had  1 early still birth, which was physically easy and 2 full term live births. Both were easy deliveries but long labours, no stitches and I still went right of sex.

I guess what I am trying to say is take time to treat her like a lover not just the mother of your children and TALK to her.

good luck

xGGx

 Well, i havent had kids. But i have been with my ex for almost 8 years. Now theres a reason why now hes my 'ex'. It just happens that im not interested in him anymore, could be to do with bad habits such as his drinking and arguements. So sex started to hurt down there by not getting turned on. no more joy and i couldnt even perform 'on top' cos i wasnt turned on enough. He still wanted sex as much as he can obviously, but i felt uncomfortable and we didnt have sex for over a year even though we tried.

I dont want to scare you or anything and i dont know if i should be saying this, but It was me in the end that has gone to another man (where it should be him gone for another woman). He doesnt know theres another man yet, me and the ex are still living together at the moment and i'm off to move in the new year. I just said to him that we're not going knowhere so whats the point in staying together.

All i can suggest is as you've got kids, like my friends have. They go out on a night out to the clubs in town one night a month just to let their hair down. They get their parents to babysit the kids, no shame in that. 

Also in the bedroom, maybe you can get some sexy lingerie for her. And a vibrator might help as i just had 2 new ones from LH, that has made me feel a bit better down there as not had sex in over a year and sex with the new partner i felt a little uneasy with my perfomance cos last time i had sex been so long (but i was able to get on top with him). but the vibrator has helped me a bit.  

But maybe if you dont like any of that, maybe try some roleplaying? Have a reminise of when you first met, your first date etc. If im off track im sorry, but Good luck!

Hi GG,

Thanks so much for your advice. I certainly appreciate that pregnancy & motherhood do weird & wonderful things to a woman's body - I just wasn't expecting them to be this weird!

We've made good use of having both sets of grandparents living reasonably close, so we have managed a few nights offf, but, while it's been brilliant to spend time as just the two of us, it's not led to any form of intimacy. We seem to be communicating much better about everything else (not just baby-related stuff) than ever before, but she'll just completely clam up at the mention of sex.

I've tried everything that used to turn her on & everything else I can think of (although I appreciate that as a man my imagination is rather limited!). She's not even interested in just having a cuddle any more.

She's still carrying a bit of extra baby-weight, which I think might be an issue. I think she looks great & tell her this regularly (and not just when I'm trying to get my end away!)

Graham

Hi Amykins,

Cheers for your reply.

I don't think the problem is that she can't get turned on, as she won't let me close enough to try! At the risk of sounding like a typically conceited man, I've never had any problems in that respect anyway (sorry, ladies - feel free to think I'm a tosser now!)

We've made liberal use of grandparents on babysitting duty & have had big nights out, romantic meals, quiet nights in in front of the tv, but, aside from getting a good night's sleep, nothing's come of any of them. Roleplaying's also something we've enjoyed in the past, but just doesn't get a response any more. Likewise, I've tried gifts - from the obvious, like lingerie and flowers, to genuinely thoughtful gifts.

Graham

I have to say I went through a "I could live without sex forever" phase with my ex-husband. Note the use of the phrase "ex husband"

Was nothing to do with the fact that there were children - in fact, I used that as an excuse.

I simply didn't love my husband.  I didn't hate him, in fact,  I felt absolutely nothing for him

We'd been through years of him lying to me and cheating, in fact on the evening that our first child was born, what was he doing that night after he left the hospital?  down the pub with a couple of guys wetting the baby's head?  at home sorting out a bag and some bits for us coming home?  Sleeping after not having slept for 2 days?  None of that.  He was watching porn.

I was married to a guy who I perceived only saw me as a sex object and treated me like a possession, and it took motherhood to open my eyes to that.  Because in the change that happened between changing from being a wife, to a mother, my priorities in life completely changed.  And it was at that moment, that I saw him for who and what he was.

He did all the romantic meal and getting in babysitters and whatnot, but all I ever saw from the second we got in the taxi or whatever was "he's going to pester me for sex later" and immediately I'd be on a downer and wouldn't get much pleasure out of the night out.  Regardless of effort.

In the end, the day that I left him was the best day of my life.  I became liberated.  And I've had 2 boyfriends since.  And the sex has been mindblowing (especially with the first one).

And let me tell you - having 2 children sleeping while bed bashing and sex screaming has never put me off - my kids sleep through all of it.

Is there anything whatsoever underlying that could be an issue?  

Has there been problems in the past that might only now be surfacing as a result of parenthood and changed priorities?

Sorry for being negative.

Thanks, Hellsbells.

I've certainly never just seen my other half as just a sex object, and, as previously stated I don't think that this is indicatative of bigger problems in the relationship.

As for possibly underlying problems? I strongly suspect that she feels unattractive carrying a bit of baby weight, in spite of me trying to assure her she looks great. I hope there's nothing more to it than that though!

I can certainly appreciate what you're saying about feeling pressurised every time he got a babysitter in - I've been trying not to fall into the same trap, but I'm not sure how well I've succeeded in that. I've certainly been trying not to badger her, so will take your advice and won't mention sex for the next few times we have a night off.

Cheers!

 coming from a mum, who has felt exactly as your wife feels now, i can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you, but you must continue to be patient with her.

has she spoken to her gp?

did she suffer from post natal depression? this and feeling unnatractive/scared can allcontribute to lacking libido.

if you continue to be the loving husband that you are, im sure this will get sorted x

 oh well i dont know what to suggest, but its worth trying to help. maybe it will pass soon, i dont know what else i can say.

That's a point.  Everyone thought I had PND - I didn't, I just had plain old normal depression, wasn't anything to do with post natal, it was just the twat I was married to.

Why don't you do "fun" things together instead of romantic - comedy club, ice skating (laughing at each other falling down, trying to hold each other up) .... things like that  - something that she'll be laughing out loud at and maybe that laughter will release some endorphins to relax her a bit.

BabyKink - Thank you so much, it's such a relief to hear that someone's been through a similar experience & come out the other end with their mojo working again. Next time I'm feeling brave I'll suggest a chat with the GP.

She didn't really suffer from PND (I had a brush with depression, but that's a whole other story), but had a few health problems before, during and after the birth which could possibly have knocked her confidence a bit.

Amykins & HellsBells - thanks for your advice. HB - especially a big thank you to you for your suggests about other things to try on a night off!

afraidnotscared wrote:

BabyKink - Thank you so much, it's such a relief to hear that someone's been through a similar experience & come out the other end with their mojo working again. Next time I'm feeling brave I'll suggest a chat with the GP.

She didn't really suffer from PND (I had a brush with depression, but that's a whole other story), but had a few health problems before, during and after the birth which could possibly have knocked her confidence a bit.

Amykins & HellsBells - thanks for your advice. HB - especially a big thank you to you for your suggests about other things to try on a night off!

As someone who has suffered on and off from depression, different triggers but all major events, I was very scared about going to the GP wiht PND. Not helped by someone telling me that it would lead to social services becoming involved. It doesnt.

I didnt seek help when i lost my son nor when I had my first survivor but did when I had my last little one. I was bullied into going, I only agreed because I was scared I would harm the kids but I still refused treatment. I was breastfeeding and didnt want to stop in order to take the pills.

PND messes your head up so much and isnt always noticable to others. No one, including my husband know that I had contemplated suicide and the only reason I hadnt was that I couldnt work out how to take the children with me without scaring them.

I am comomg through my fifth bout of depression, caused by an accident, and for the first time I sought and accepted treatment. I am now really open about the state of my mental health and the fact that I am taking Prozac. Not only for my own good but in order to start removing the taboos that surround depression. 

Your wife may be suffering from a form of PND and hiding it, a trip to the GP may be a good idea but suggest it gently and go with her if she wants you to.

xGGx

Just wanted to say and welcome ~Juicy~

Hi Graham

I recognise the position you are in and looking arond the forums on here this seems to a much more common problem that I suspected, there is a certain sense of relief knowing it is not just you!

I found that our sex life has never returned to the pre children sex anywhere type and for a while (and even sometimes now) I miss those days however they are not returning.  I dont have any magic answers but can only share what worked for me

1 - I masturbated more, not the same but at least kept my own hormones in check

2- I took over baby care on set days / weekends and sent her out with her friends or just to get some retail therapy.  This did help her remember who she was pre children

3 - Adult nights.  We take the duvet downstairs, put cushions on the floor and watch a movie / play a board game with nice wine and a take away.  Easier to arrange than a night away and cheaper!

4 - We spoke and whilst she did not see it as an issue I explained that sex was important to me in the relationship.

In addition to all of this I posted on her only a couple of months ago that I was struggling to get regular sex again and female links reminded me that the little things around the house help he to feel more special.

Not sure if any of this helps but if nothing else be assured you are not alone and the fact you are not looking for solutions in the arms of another is a good sign. 

Good luck!

P

Hi,

The only thing  can really say is "hang on in there"...

I know that's not much comfort now (it wouldn't have been to me three years ago either if I'm honest!) however just over three years since my youngest was born (and nearly five after my eldest), my wife is now the one surprising me in bed!

Is it as frequent as B.C. (Before Children) Sex? No. 

Is it more intense/emotional/adventurous? Absolutely.

I know it's bloody difficult keeping your hormones in check (it is possible though, believe me - do not take any advice from friends/colleagues who tell you to "find someone else" or that "she's got what she wants (kids) so move on", they are not "friends"...), and I know that you'll probably feel rejected and unloved (I did at times), but the truth is that her body (and her mind!) is recovering from a major trauma (childbirth) that was instigated by a single act (sex) and it may take a while for her to disconnect the two.

Hope that's of some help,

MBB

As with most things communication can be a big part of the issue. You mention that she said that she was glad she wasn't interested in sex any more. Did you take that opportunity to say that it was actually a big problem for you? If so, what was her reaction?

Have you actually had a really frank discussion about the situation? After all, the imbalance in your sex drives shouldn't be seen as just a problem for you. As a couple it is an issue that should concern both of you and the solution needs to be thrashed out between you. How, for example, do you both feel about her using toys on you to get you off? What, indeed, do you both see in the long term for your relationship?

Although I don't want to go into the personal experience that makes me say this I think you need to resolve this issue as a matter of urgency. You may be a strong-willed person who believes you would never be unfaithful to your partner but such a situation does leave you more vulnerable than you might think and down that road lies much unhappiness for all concerned.

hi I have 2 children and my OH has 2 so having a decent love life takes some planning ....We often have 4 children in the house aged from 5 yrs to 10 yrs

Sometimes one or both of us are just to plain tired after work and children but for us it is imprtant we do invest in ourselves and each other.

I will make the errort with a sexy surprise or he will give me a massage,  but is also the little things.... a cuppa in the morning.... a back rub after a crazy day...... a bunch ofcheap flowers on his way home.... favourite dinner cooked...these are the things that show care this then builds the sexual desire because we know we are loved, appreciated and wanted by each other.

A few ideas we do to ensure we have a fullfilled love life...Setting the alram clock early, before the children wake helps or a baby sitter and going out is brill though too rare a treat.....We have been known to book time off work when the children are in school to give us some fun time.

Even an eveningtshopping trip with the children in  he care of their grandpsretns  at christmas gave us some sexy time out lol

Talking about how you both feel is the only way to find a solution that works for you both.

Sorry to come back to this but one of your comments keeps nagging at me - I skipped over it when I first posted but I feel I should say something. It's the one about her not even wanting a cuddle any more. It suggests a disconnection on her part that goes beyond the purely sexual aspect of your relationship and makes me feel all the more that you need to really get to the bottom of this.

B*llocks. Sorry everyone - I've not been online for the past few weeks & have missed your posts. So...

GG - thanks for the advice about PND. I'm still trying to raise the subject, but not really getting anywhere. Will keep plugging away though!

Juicy - thank you - it's nice to be here! You lot are much more accommodating than the MumsNet bunch...

MarriedMan - thanks very much. I'm relieved to hear I'm not on my own. I'm doing most of what you suggest already, but there are a couple of things I'll be trying. On the masturbation angle, I don't think I've wanked this much since I was a teenager!

MBB - again thank you! To be honest, if I'd been through the pregnancy we had & subsequent health issues, I'd be reluctant to ever look at another todger.

Smirnof - (which incidentally I'll be resorting to if things are still the same this time next year!) - thank you, too. I'm trying to concentrate on the little things, but occasionally get frustrated by the big picture. Will keep plugging away though!

Gyrator - we've not had a proper conversation about it, as I seem to be the only one who thinks it's a problem & get batted away if I raise the topic. (Will have to do it more subtley, I think) I'd happily pass up on penatrative sex for other alternatives, if that was on offer, but it just doesn't seem to be. I'd like to think I'm too 'good' a man to look elsewhere - I fear I may prove to be wrong though, should the opportunity ever arise. I see the relationship as a lifelong one & there's certainly no way I'm missing out on my son growing up.

Re: the cuddling comment. I don't know how sinister it is. It seems just to be a lack of interest in it, rather than a physical problem. (I reached a point in a previous relationship where I didn't want my girlfriend to touch me & I couldn't disguise it - I'd shudder & everything - my better half isn't doing that!)

Thanks to all for the advice - I promise I'll be online more often from here on in... :)

Hi Yummy Mum - nice bump by the way!

I do as much as I can with the little fella, but I'm slightly hampered by working full-time, while my partner works part-time. However, it's always me who's gets little man up in the morning, gives him breakfast & dresses him. Likewise, I always feed him, bath him & put him to bed in the evening.