Have you ever.....a place to tell all your bad sex expieriences

Says you TB... :p

Families amuse me. I've nearly been walked in on by my sister, the exs brother and my father (I was only massaging him but I was wearing my dressing gown after having chaged into pajamas for comfort so he put two and two together and made five. Luckily my Dad is well ace, so he just told me to be more careful in his house and left. And he brought us piza later lol).

I have an unfortunate amount of embarassing bad sex experiences. They make for good stories though.

I bruised the blokes manhood after pouncing on him on hard wood flooring.

I've come on during sex once or twice.

My ex used to try make describing making a cup of tea erotic. But in a funny way.

And if you want really embarassing- I've recently found out that cheese does BAD things to me in the waste disposal unit. DO NOT have sex in a position which hits the back wall when you find that out. It isn't pretty, requires a sheet change and I'm very lucky I have such a wonderful man who gave me a hug, told me to not worry and- important part- CHANGED THE SUBJECT.

I also have no shame, so I feel free to tell you lucky people all about my mishaps!

that happened to a friend of mine kinda, he and his other half had the munchies and continued to devour 2 boxes of cocopuffs, later on during 4play he hit the back of her mouth and shortly after saw the coco pops again only thistime attached to his manhood

The_Barman wrote:

that happened to a friend of mine kinda, he and his other half had the munchies and continued to devour 2 boxes of cocopuffs, later on during 4play he hit the back of her mouth and shortly after saw the coco pops again only thistime attached to his manhood

HAHA COCO COCK! LOL!

Ok then...

When I was younger and still living at home my ex came round late at night and stopped over. In the morning we got up for a shower together. When we were done, as a joke, I put the shower on cold and sprayted her with it. She screamed and my mum who was still in bed thought I had fallen in the shower or something. So she came running across and smashed down the door. My and my gf were obviously naked in the shower and my mum was also naked stood in the doorway.

Not one of by better moments and don't think my gf at the time could look at my mum for the next couple of weeks.

I'd only just started dating the now Mrs Duck,  I had been working abroad for 3 weeks, the day I got home she went on holiday for 3 weeks with her family.  We booked  a romantic hotel in Whitby for the weekend she returned, full champagne breakfast etc. 

We finally were alone & fell into room & onto the four poster bed, we ripped each others clothes off, no time for foreplay or messing about.   Mrs Duck pushed me flat on my back & jumped on my rock hard cock, a pop & a searing pain like no other shot trough my body,  blood poured out all over the sheets, carpet & bathroom as I ran in there to see my banjo cord well and truely detatched! It took an hour to stop the bleeding & £150 to clear up a 'nose bleed' (the room looked like someone had been murdered!).

It was another 3 weeks before we dared try again! My cock is stinging just thinking about it again!

Oh man...thats every blokes worst nightmare. Ouch.

a few years back  i was out with the lads on a night out and i pulled  the town bike!!!!!  i was that drunk i didnt know if i had sex with her!!! in the mornin i couldnt wait to get out of there as i was getting dressed she said to me last night was the first time she had ever had anal sex!!!!  sometimes when im out with my wife she always asks why does that old slapper always talk to you ( if only she knew) lol

oh man, im cringing reading so many of these. Never been properly walked in on - nearly though and people have heard us at it a couple of times (and seem to have a thing for mentioning it! grr! lol.

when with my ex, he was fingering me and i felt a bit of pain, but then i was fine so we carried on.. then when we were having sex, he noticed the blood... wouldnt have been so bad if it hadnt been for the fact it was in the living room (and he lived with his parents!) and i'd bled on him, me, and really badly on the sofa. I dont know HOW he managed to clean it in the time i was in the bathroom.

when i got back, he wanted to carry on! after not so politely informing him that i was *still* bleeding, and funnily enough had never been LESS in the mood in my life, he got it lol.

a friend of mine told me that one time when he was shaggin his then girlfriend from behind, his mum walked in him on them!!! as he was cumin and his girlfriend quicky dived under the covers as his mum was screaming at them he said cum was shootin all over

Nearly 10 years ago when I was but a boy, I got sent to Germany for a month training course.  I was desperate to get back home & set about the future Mrs Duck. 

In Frankfurt Airport is a massive sex shop, we were just starting with the toys so I bought loads, Butt plug, clit stim, couple vibrator, DVDs,Mags,  lube, ass beads & those eggs that rattle.  I spent a weeks wage on this stuff, I got well carried away (full of spunk & mega horny).                                                                                             I forgot about the security check. Oh dear.  I had a backpack with a laptop & packed full of electronic toys.  Needless to say I was requested to a search table.  An old lady & an armed policeman took everything out of my bag & examined it. 

All my work mates were shouting & cheering at me from the other side of the barrier which was upsetting Rambo. The old lady was looking at me like I was a sex pest.  They were asking me questions I couldn't understand & I was young,scared, scarlet & sweating.  Seconds were hours & I wanted to be swallowed up by the floor.  Everyone in the security hall was walking past looking at my dirty collection. I have never been so embarrssed in my life.  It took me ages to repack my bag and after clearing security everyone was pointing & sniggering at me!
I still have the sex deviant title a work because of it!   After that, nothing really bothers me any more.

I think that my horror stories are the same as everyone else I got caught in the act by an ex boyfriend's mother at the tender age of 16, and round about the same time finding out that my GP had made some many comments about youn girls on the pill that my mother who was a health visitor inthe practice foundout that he was speaking about me!! This was 20 years ago & a big deal inthe hinterlands of Northumberland!!

Also trying to explain to my mother that she had phoned at an inopertune moment while my now hubby was trying to stay focused

C1

I was in my twenties, I had a new girlfriend, she was a great woman and we got on, but somehow sex didn’t work. She didn’t seem to enjoy it and so I couldn’t enjoy it, because I didn’t know what she was feeling like. We tried a few times. I don’t think we talked about it, I’m not sure why. It had never happened to me before.

Anyway I split up with her and got a new girlfriend. We at a public occasion in the street with lots of people present, when my ex gf came up and without a word slapped me quite hard round the face and walked off. It was certainly dramatic!

I don’t think we ever spoke after that and I have sort of repressed it from my memory. Thinking about bad sex experiences, this was one, but I never worked out why. I’m sure I could have done things better. Talked about it, yes, but why couldn’t we talk about it? It’s all a bit of a mystery to me still.

E ba gum Mel... no lass better not ...(Having just discovered Mel resides in the red rose county)

Anyone noticed it spells Mugabe backwards.......!!

TB

not exactly a bad sex experience but my mother found my vibrator in the draw, just wanter the groung to swallow me up

I'd only slept with girls up until this point, so was used to hands & fists.. big things like that!!

My first boyfriend, the one who ended up taking my cherry... had such a small penis, he did a sexy strip tease the first time we had sex, I looked at it, in its hard, small glory & utter the immortal line 'Is that it?' and LAUGHED AT HIM.....

 He went floppy in an instant, and couldn't get a hard on for TWO whole months; and when we did finally have sex, I couldn't feel it in there!

He cheated on me in the end (can't blame him really)!, but since then at least I know what I like & don't like!!

MissDita87 wrote:

I'd only slept with girls up until this point, so was used to hands & fists.. big things like that!!

My first boyfriend, the one who ended up taking my cherry... had such a small penis, he did a sexy strip tease the first time we had sex, I looked at it, in its hard, small glory & utter the immortal line 'Is that it?' and LAUGHED AT HIM.....

 He went floppy in an instant, and couldn't get a hard on for TWO whole months; and when we did finally have sex, I couldn't feel it in there!

He cheated on me in the end (can't blame him really)!, but since then at least I know what I like & don't like!!

Wow talk about considers the effects of his/her words on others, bet the poor guys pushing up the daisies by now !!!

TB

Haha my brother in law still lives with us and hes a pain in the arse. Privacy?? WHATS THAT? Worst one was with an old partner who was a virgin (i wasnt) who also had major issues with his own body so as you can probably tell sex would have to be in the dark and when i say dark i mean pitch black cant see anything. so trying to show a virgin where to stick it in pitch black darkness wasnt fun. But eventually he found a hole but guess what? it was the wrong one so we both lost our virginity that night. He lost his, i lost my anal virginity accidently. I wasnt complaining mind ;)

Roxy1990 wrote:

Haha my brother in law still lives with us and hes a pain in the arse. Privacy?? WHATS THAT? Worst one was with an old partner who was a virgin (i wasnt) who also had major issues with his own body so as you can probably tell sex would have to be in the dark and when i say dark i mean pitch black cant see anything. so trying to show a virgin where to stick it in pitch black darkness wasnt fun. But eventually he found a hole but guess what? it was the wrong one so we both lost our virginity that night. He lost his, i lost my anal virginity accidently. I wasnt complaining mind ;)

How d'you know it was an accident?!  The virgin with body issues thing might have been clever cover story to lull you into a false sense of security!

I might have to try this! Although after being with my girlfriend for 5 years I may have left it a bit late!

Hehe, you've got a point. He was really good at acting then poor guy didnt have a clue. I shouldnt laugh i think its safe to say we've all been the clueless virgin at some point.

Roxy1990 wrote:

Haha my brother in law still lives with us and hes a pain in the arse. Privacy?? WHATS THAT? Worst one was with an old partner who was a virgin (i wasnt) who also had major issues with his own body so as you can probably tell sex would have to be in the dark and when i say dark i mean pitch black cant see anything. so trying to show a virgin where to stick it in pitch black darkness wasnt fun. But eventually he found a hole but guess what? it was the wrong one so we both lost our virginity that night. He lost his, i lost my anal virginity accidently. I wasnt complaining mind ;)

And presumably Roxy this is a trait that has stayed with you ever since hun, although obviously go do not prefer back door entry quite all the time do you hun !!!

TB