• WIN A Sex Machine!

    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1157
    • Joined: 15 Apr 2013

    Would you like to win this http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=29242 If you answered YES! Please read below...

    There are a few rules:

    - 1 comment per community member.

    - The item MUST be reviewed as part of winning this amazing product

    - Please don't go off topic and start conversations on this thread, this is pure competition entries only.

    - 'me me me' 'pick me' 'I want it' won't work! We want you to be creative and use your initiative be fun and enjoy.

    - Make your comment stands out - make us laugh - do something so we don't forget your entry!

    - All puns, limericks, poems, riddles and all that jazz is welcome!

    - The competition ends Monday 6th Jan at 3pm and the winner will be chosen then.


    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2038
    • Joined: 23 Nov 2011

    In the words of James Brown
    'Get up get on up, stay on the scene like A Sex Machine'

    God I could kiss myself, Watch me

    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2212
    • Joined: 23 Jun 2012

    I think I should win a sex machine because having just got married last week I've realised i am never going to have sex with another man again! This would solve the problem for me and let me sleep with multiple men over and over again! All I would have to do is think of who I want to sleep with that day and plug it in!

    So basically I'm stuck with Taraman and his willy for the next 35+ years . Because he's 15 years older than me his willy will probably stop functioning properly while I am still young and in my sexual prime. So winning a sex machine would be a long term investment for my sex life. Not only will it spice up my sex life now, as I can use it to satisfy myself whilst I fantasise about making love to Brad Pitt or Jamie Dornan but it will also be there to satisfy me when Taraman has a floppy willy, dropping balls and a saggy bum in old age.

    I hope this doesn't offend my new husband.... Maybe he will divorce me after reading this and I won't need to worry about never experiencing another mans willy again lol

    happydays121 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 94
    • Joined: 20 Oct 2012

    Experts perfect it, connoisseurs select it....x

    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 744
    • Joined: 21 Nov 2013

    Since I am given wholey to loving my wife (MRS) and trying to ensure that she is completely satisfied, I think we should win this so that the MRS can always be spent. I travel for work and when I am gone this would allow her to be ravaged by me (well, by my gift).

    TL;DR: I should win because I am a loving husband and every woman wants that!

    Kruger [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 140
    • Joined: 4 Nov 2013

    Raw Hide song...........

    Ride them, Ride them , Ride them, let yourself go, and Ride them, Raw Hide, Raw Hide....

    If you want some real pleasure then get this as a tether, Raw Hide, Raw Hide....

    Looks like it could be fun, you can even stick it up your bum, Raw Hide, Raw Hide....

    Get this gee gee running, the humping and the pumping, Raw Hide, Raw Hide....

    Once you've had a ride n felt the sensation inside, you will keep this by your side, Raw Hide, Raw Hide....

    In any kind of weather, this will surely give you pleasure, Raw Hide Raw Hide....

    (Come on everyone shout now ...) RAW HIDE, RAW HIDE !!!!!

    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1435
    • Joined: 30 Jan 2013

    I don't know anything funny, but always remember my gran told me this awful addictive song when I was little and I've never forgot it.

    Wouldn't it, wouldn't it, wouldn't it be funny,
    If a woman has a wooden tit, wouldn't it be funny!!

    I can't help my self but randomly saying it! If it was me singing it to my children my gran would hang me 😂🙈 xx

    Puddleduck [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1612
    • Joined: 8 Aug 2012

    <<< Time is ticking (see my avatar)

    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 944
    • Joined: 20 Nov 2012

    "I'm sorry, we're going to have to cut off your hands. Too must masturbating - it's bad for the wrists!"

    That wasn't quite how my chat with my doctor went, but my wrists are certainly out of action. I've managed a bullet, it's not too much to hold, but applying pressure is out of the question! So my sessions have left me, rather frustratingly, frustrated. So I come to Lovehoney! With their wonderful customer service, and know with their care I haven't a worry. Then what's this? A sex machine? I do a little dance for joy!

    My hands are handy

    For when I'm feeling randy,

    But now they're a little worse for wear.

    "Touch me! Feel me!"

    Pleasure's the key,

    For when my lady garden is bare

    I've tried hands free, tried moving different vibes using my pelvic muscles, tried taping it to my thigh and moving my legs, tried pinning it between both legs and all kinds of weird positions! The sight would make a seasoned user fall off their chair with laughter.

    Oh powerful thrusting sex machine,

    Let me sit, let me scream,

    Replace my useless wrists and bring me joy again.

    Oh wonderful double dildo mains powered creation,

    Comed and take place at my station,

    And once more pleasured nether regions with reign!

    Dave_S [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 25
    • Joined: 9 Aug 2011

    A woman who came into some money,
    Bought a sex machine from Lovehoney,
    She thought it'd be fun,
    But it went up her bum,
    So she went back to using her bunny.

    Thank you, I'm here all week...

    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1157
    • Joined: 15 Apr 2013

    added from Lovehoney admin on behalf of Gem26 - as profile pics are so small!

    Puddleduck [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1612
    • Joined: 8 Aug 2012

    Lovehoney - Cazz wrote:

    added from Lovehoney admin on behalf of Gem26 - as profile pics are so small!

    thank you cazz xx
    S&S [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 522
    • Joined: 13 Feb 2011

    "Is it cheating if she has sex with a machine?"

    Phil wondered this many times to himself, and with the fastly growing sophistication of the technology used in sex toys, he knew it was only a matter of time before the question would come up in all seriousness. This new Lovehoney competition offered the surest possibility yet that this might indeed happen - and happen soon.

    He spent a long morning questioning the impending redundancy of this fleshy device he held in his hand, mourning for the impassioned memories of their greatest adventures together, and wondering if this was where their story truly ended. A bleak future flashed before his eyes, where the machines took their starting point as pleasuring his women, and continued until his entire gender was rendered incapable of offering up any services greater than operating as a table, or perhaps a leg-rest of some sort. Meanwhile a machine-arm poured a pefectly mixed cocktail down her throat, whilst another one pleasured between her legs with rhythms he could barely comprehend.

    It was as his thoughts began to escalate that Jane came up behind him and glanced at the machine which had made its home on Phil's screen.

    "Wow!" she exlaimed, "We. Need. That!"

    "Of course we do," Phil lamented. "I'll think up a winning entry, and then I'll just go pack my bags. You two will be so happy together..."

    He had nearly trudged his way out the door before he heard Jane cheekily call him back;

    "Don't look so glum babe - now we can act out our double-penetration fantasy without the hassle of another person!"

    Phil froze in the doorway, and took a moment to re-imagine the future that lay ahead of them - of them; him, Jane and the machine. He may have gotten a bit ahead of himself with his apocalyptic imaginings - the machines may not be such a bad idea after all!

    He turned around and grinning from cheek to cheek made his way back to the computer.

    "I have a winning entry to write!!!"

    taraman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 471
    • Joined: 30 Jun 2012

    I think I should be considered for the sex machine to safeguard my marriage and stop BV running away with another man as a result of her depressing summary of my future sexual happiness!

    etc28 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 150
    • Joined: 10 Jun 2009

    Would be a dream come true to win this, it would mean my OH and i both experiencing our biggest fantasies with out us actually having to share each other. She gets to watch me with another guy and I get to dp her. Hours of fun for both of us

    EmmelinePeaches [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 144
    • Joined: 19 Apr 2009


    Here's my entry. I decided on a song pardoy (It was either this or 'I want to ride this sex machine'...I have no regrets):

    Bohemian Rhapsody (About a sex toy and me)

    Is this the real life?

    Is this sex fantasy?

    A competition, for

    A thrusting sex toy machine.

    Open my eyes,

    Look at the replies and see,

    I'm just a an entrant, wanting sex ecstasy,

    Because it’s easy to, see this thing,

    Is perfect for reviewing,

    Anyway the speed goes, it’s up to my partner or me, or me.

    Lovehoney, I want this toy,

    I saw it now I’m sold,

    Please don’t leave me in the cold,

    Lovehoney, comp. has just begun,

    And you’ve got me rewriting Queen lyrics.

    Lovehoney, ooh,

    Don’t mean to sound forward,

    But if you pick me to review this toy,

    They’ll be joy, they’ll be joy, and a well-written review post.

    Too great, to think about,

    Sends shivers down my spine,

    When I see this toy online.

    Goodbye, social life now, I've got to go,

    If I win this toy they’ll think I’ve passed away.

    Lovehoney, ooh (Mains power for oomph, oh),

    I cannot review,

    It right now but here are my first impressions.

    *Guitar solo*

    *Queue bitchin’ piano*

    I see a large silhouetto of a man,

    One dildo, two dildos. Attach to a secure base,

    This toy is for riding.

    The thought is exciting me.

    (With your partner) With your partner

    (With your partner) With your partner,

    With your partner or solo,

    This toy can go-ooh-ooh-oooh.

    Apply water based lube for a good ride.

    Apply water based lube for a good ride,

    Trust me, you’re going to need plenty.

    That is all, for this show, will you let me know?

    Lovehoney! Oh, please will you let me know. (let me know!)

    Lovehoney! Please will you let me know. (let me know!)

    Lovehoney! Please will you let me know. (let me know!)

    Will you let me know? (let me know!)

    When the contests oh,

    When it’s oh-oh-over.

    If i’ve won this contest by some chance.

    Oh Lovehoney, oh Lovehoney, (Oh Lovehoney, don’t you see),

    The importance of review does not escape me, not me, not me.

    *Queue a sweet ass guitar solo*

    So they think that the specs are looking pretty cool?

    But the making or breaking is in the review.

    Oh Honey, sweet, discreet, lil Lovehoney,

    Just gotta give it,

    Just gotta give it my review.

    (Oh, yeah, oh yeah)

    Reviewing toys matters,

    Provides frank honesty,

    Reviewing matters,

    When it comes to this sweet sex machine.

    Anyways that's that. Feel free to play Bohemian Rhapsody and enjoy singing along. ;)

    All the best,


    Dave_S [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 25
    • Joined: 9 Aug 2011

    I know the rules state one post per member, but I couldn't resist...

    There was a young lady from Maine,
    Who's existing toys were all tame,
    So she bought a machine,
    From Lovehoney she'd seen,
    Now she can't help but walk like John Wayne.


    solidius [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 73
    • Joined: 15 Jul 2005

    I would love to win this as my wife pointed out last time we had guests round we didnt have enough seats im sure this would help out and spice things up

    LilMissMardyBum [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2178
    • Joined: 22 Jun 2013

    The sex machine will be her driver when she comes, When she comes . . . .

    She'll ride it like she stole it when she comes

    She'll be riding up and down,so fast her feet wont touch the ground When she comes . . . .

    She'll be seeing shooting stars When she comes . . . when she comes

    she'll be shoutin' i love lovehoney when she comes, when she comes

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.