Testing the waters

I'm on the way to writing another sex story with a little bit of bdsm in it. So what I've done here is I've written a little scenario to see if I got it right. Please comment on what you read and fell free to make any recomendations if you think there is something i could better or differently. Thank you all for taking the time to help. Love and hugs for all. 

PS enjoy. 

Leon circled his lightly restrained plaything, ankles cuffed to the floor and wrist high above her head suspended from the ceiling, like a shark eying up its next meal. His boots lightly thudding against the stone floor as he paced round and round trying to decide what to do with her. Leon was a tad displeased with Lexi, not because she had failed to properly carry out all of her Master’s instructions for the day. The problem was quite the opposite, he had a long shiny new rattan cane he wanted to test out on Lexi’s pert tight creamy white bottom but unfortunately for him, his slave hadn’t made a single mistake all day. Lexi properly made his bed without a single crease, wore all the revealing and in some cases down right embarrassing little outfits he wanted her to wear and was always mindful of the rules,

1 You must never speak unless directly spoken to by me or someone in the outside world unless expressly told to do otherwise.

2 When addressing me regardless of where and when you will always refer to me as Master unless expressly told to do otherwise.

3 You will carry out any and all instructions given to you with accuracy and swiftness understanding that failure to do so will result in a punishment suitable to the task that was failed. 

4 Any infraction of the rules will be met with the appropriate punishment without question.

Leon Walked over to the table with his back to a blindfolded Lexi and quietly admired all the toys he had set out to play with. He couldn’t use the rattan cane as Lexi had been very good today, this week in fact and on account of the punishment a single hit from it could dole out he knew it was reserved purely for when she had sincerely annoyed him. But both he and Lexi certainly enjoyed paddles and crops and floggers and blindfolds and feathers, and on a rare occasion Lexi enjoyed a bit of anal too but she was still fairly new to it so it was always done separately from everything else.

As a special treat Leon let Lexi pick out her clothing for this session and she slipped her slender frame into all her favourites, a black strapless PVC zipper front corset laced up at the back, crotch less wet look panties in the style of chaps and laced up thigh high boots topped off with fingerless black leather gloves. Lexi took great pride in what she chose, hoping every piece would lure him in and make him want to fuck her the way he had when they first met, yearning for the burning tantalising pleasure, her nerve endings were on fire every inch of her sex enhanced by the lotion he used first. Only once in the 3 years since they had met had he fucked her so completely, and deep down she had a primal craving for it, some how she knew she had to have it again.  

Leon picked up an 8 inch leather spanking paddle and a suede flogger, neatly tucking the handle of the flogger into his back pocket. He enjoyed teasing her blindfolded as he knew just how much she loved the unexpected, and it was so deliciously empowering for Leon to administer and almost always make her beg for the touch of a hand or a flogger and switch to using feathers or a paddle without any notice at all. This session was one that Lexi had asked for a good while ago. She wanted to play the role of a spy who was caught and was being interrogated, accused of selling secrets to the enemy. Leon let a devious smile cross his lips and also picked up a riding crop whip, the end was shaped like a butterfly and was one of his favourites, to use as well just in case she was extra resistant which experience taught him she could be. He took in a deep quiet breath letting his character take over.

Leon adjusted his full length leather coat till it was sitting on his shoulders just right, his tight black shirt and black jeans were ones he had picked out special. His boots once again thudded as he approached Lexi this time paddle in hand. He stood a foot away and admired her for a second before starting.

“My friends say that you are new, sent to the agency to assist us with decoding”.

Lexi took in a shallow breath, feeling the sweet helpless anticipation wash over her body “Yes sir that’s correct”. Lexi heard him pacing around her again and was silent for him as he continued.  

“You seem to have been doing a very good job up until a few days ago when you were caught doing something you shouldn’t have been”. From out of nowhere Leon’s hand moved like lightning delivering a single firm smack to her semi bare ass. A sharp grunt was her only response and he once again continued to circle around her. “The thing is my boss doesn’t like you selling our secrets to the enemy and unfortunately for you I have been tasked with finding out exactly what secrets you sold”. Another smack this time a tad lighter and across her face. Again all Lexi did was grunt, gritting her teeth and saying nothing the gentle stinging resonating on her skin. “Tell me what information you sold and to whom and I can see that you don’t end up with the death penalty”. Lexi tried to determine where Leon was he seemed to be talking from somewhere in front, but before she could find him another smack again landed across her backside. “If you refuse to tell me I have been ordered to extract the information from you by any means I deem necessary, do you understand me”. Lexi took in another breath to steady herself. “I understand… that im not telling you shit”.

Briefly Leon’s anger took over him and without warning he grabbed her neck. “In petulant child I will have what I want”. Lexi chocked under his grip and he let go moving to her rear he pushed her forward as far as the restraints would let her. He pulled down her chap style panties till they were half way down her legs. “What are you doing please you can’t my husband” “SILENCE… traitor”. His scream shaking her to her very core. “I told you before I will do whatever I have to.” He smacked with his hand again and again alternating between her right and left cheeks. After 10 separate slaps, 5 on each side he spoke again. “Your Husband can’t help you here, here you belong to me.” The paddle landed across her ass this time its trade mark thud ringing through the room along with a loud squeal. “Trust me when I say it will be less painful if you tell me what I want to know”.

“What information did you steel from the beuro”? Lexi pondered a moment and spoke, “I can’t tell you, please don’t hurt me again they will do fucking awful things to me if I tell you”. “I will do fucking awful things if you don’t”, again the paddle landed but this time across her thighs, first left then right. Leon moved around Lexi till he was standing in front of her. He pulled her gently forward till she was upright. He traced a finger up the zipper of her corset and pulled it down slightly. Her now barley covered perky 34 c tits were almost spilling out. He slipped the paddle into his pocket and pulled out the flogger. “Are you ready to tell me now”? Lexi tried to compose herself loving the sting that was ringing all over her ass and thighs. “Ill tell you just please don’t hurt me anymore, please”? He raised the flogger in front of Lexi, spinning it in his hand slowly she felt the wave of cool air splash against her face. Lexi felt helpless in her bonds, almost half naked and kind of believing her own story, “I sold the launch codes for the 5 kiloton nuclear ballistic missiles”. Leon let the flogger’s tails drape over Lexi’s neck and breasts. Lexi giggled slightly as the flogger’s tales ran all over her smooth skin. “For how much”? “Fifty million dollars”.

Leon continued to tease Lexi’s body, draping the tales all over her breasts ass and thighs letting the cool fabric extinguish the sweet delicious burning pain. “Who did you sell the codes to, China, Korea, Russia, Afghanistan, who”? Lexi pretended to contemplate her answer trying to let the feeling of the tails all over last as long as possible. Leon lifted the flogger away and gently moved round to her back again. Leon used his free hand to pull the zipper of her corset down all the way and taking it off he gently placed it on the table. He placed both the paddle and the flogger on the table and took the butterfly whip out of his pocket and walked over to Lexi’s back again. “Sweet heart you still haven’t told who you sold the launch codes to”, the whip landed with a cracking thud square on her back, her squeal echoing through the room. “And I really need you to tell me”. Again the whip landed on her back in the same spot as the first time. “So are you going to tell me or not”? Another hit straight across the middle of her ass. “Aaaahhhhh, ok ok I’ll tell you. I sold the codes to Russia”. Leon placed the whip on the table and smiled having gotten the information out of her he was feeling somewhat pleased with himself although it seemed a little to quick this time.

That was absolutely fantastic!

However. The bit at the start where he can't decide what to do with her kind of clashes with "This session was one that Lexi had asked for a good while ago." Maybe just a simple adding of Leon deciding that he shall reward her for her good behaviour will cover this up though.

And just a little correction on writing conversation. Even I'm not 100% confident on writing conversation, so don't worry, but the basic rule is that when someone new speaks it is always on a line down. I'm no writer by the way - just picky! :-p

The part where he grabs her throat is a bit shocking. But I see it works pretty well in writing, but in reality, I'm not sure how many people would like that. But that's just me. I liked it because of the shock though, to be honest.

Other than that it was just brilliant! Bravo!

good story more please

Bloody brillaint i want to hear the end!!!

Fab!   more more more more......

I did like it a lot, definitely was got me interested in the story line, and I think the grabbing of the throat is something some may enjoy, although not as many would. My close friend loves it when her partner does that while they are having sex, so some do love it, although it is not for me.And I think in this case it does fit the story line well.

yes i need to know the end

 Thanks to everyone who replyed. I have taken on board everything that has been said and as a treat i will finish the rest and post it as part 2 but it will take a couple of days. After that I will write and post Step Daughter's Love one part of which has a little bdsm in it and that is why i wrote this just to see how it would go down. Thank you all again and look out for part 2. 

Whoo hoo! Definately looking forward to those!

Good one Leon Bellmont

This is the link for part 2 enjoy

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/erotic-fiction/400964-testing-the-waters-part-2 

lovehoney wont allow this page to open

I just tried it and the link works. The part 2 page is up for me, try serching in the erotic fiction forum  

The link doesn't work from this thread but when clicking on part 2 in the topics section, it does work.

yep it does not work from here, just tried.

Sorry people gonna have to learn to paste links better but snl is right please go through the topicks section to find part 2

thats ok Leon we are just getting hot and bothered waiting for the sequel to your erotic tale :)x

Ok, first off, I apologise for taking so long to write a response to your short story. I said I'd read it today, which I have done. I assume you assumed the reading would be followed by a response, and you assumed correctly as I planned on writing a response after I read it.

I said that I was impressed by the first paragraph alone, and I have to say I was impressed all the way through. However, the nasty beast of a criticiser I am, I couldn't help but notice some niggles.

For a start, the reason why I was so impressed with the first paragraph is because of the descriptions. For example, take this part of one sentence: "he had a long shiny new rattan cane he wanted to test out on Lexi’s pert tight creamy white bottom". Concise, sufficient descriptions which allows room for the imagination of readers.

Now take these: "Leon picked up an 8 inch leather spanking paddle"; "Her now barley covered perky 34 c tits were almost spilling out." Can you see how the descriptions are not consistant in style? For a start, we have a concrete length for the spanking paddle, which I feel isn't needed - and isn't needed for anything to begin with. Also, 34 c. I don't know breast sizes and what the letters and numbers mean, so it's difficult to conjure up a picture, so it's easy to become confused. The reader has to feel comfortable and if they're given precise measurements, it's likely to niggle at them to try to figure out the visuals. Personally, I'd like juicy descriptions like in the above paragraph rather than in this paragraph.

Also, let me point out that your punctuation is jagged in the sense that they're not used properly or at all. I'll point out the four rules within the story. I think number one is fine. I just had to read it a few times to understand it. Perhaps a comma before 'unless' would suffice. Same for number two. For number three, I think you may have jabbed in 'understanding that' by mistake. This rule should be two separate sentences as reading it as one doesn't really do any good for the readers. Just make sure you use commas to separate... well SEPARATE information from each other, even if they are related.

For this sentence, "He couldn’t use the rattan cane as Lexi had been very good today, this week in fact and on account of the punishment a single hit from it could dole out he knew it was reserved purely for when she had sincerely annoyed him." you included a comma in the right place, but didn't close it off. Personally, I think it works better like this: "He couldn’t use the rattan cane as Lexi had been very good today - this week, in fact - and on account of the punishment, a single hit from it could dole out. He knew it was reserved purely for when she had sincerely annoyed him." I'm not sure I have done that correctly, but I'm assuming it was intended to be that way. I used the dashes because the information in between is unnecessary - in that they are not that important, but gives a more thorough detail of what's actually going on. Notice how I used it in that last sentence, also. It's merely an expansion on what's been said. "Lexi has been very good today". That gives us the image that she's only been good today. We don't know anything about other days. The inclusion of "this week, in fact" gives a much better idea of how 'good' she is. Just though I'd throw that in there as it can really come in handy.

Just a last note: you're using numbers instead of words for numbers. It'd be better if yu use words. I know I didn't say that correctly, but it's basically a matter of writing "eight" instead of "8". Just gives it that little boost in looking professionally written. If you imagine it, numbers in a story are going to stick out like a sore thumb. Just like if you slip in a word in a mathematical equation. This is literacy, not numeracy.

I realise I'm being rather blunt here. Namely because of that last sentence of the above paragraph. It's just minor niggles which can be easily edited. You do have a lot of potential here. Remember that. That's coming from a natural criticiser. A pessimist. So that's saying something. I'm not fond of roleplaying, but reading this from another's perspective, I can actually see why it's fun and exciting, and you've shown that well with the interactions between the two characters. So in that respect alone, you've succeded incredibly well. As I said, I'm not a fan of roleplaying, and I'm not so much into BDSM, so this isn't the story for me. That doesn't mean it's a failure though. No where near. People like some things, people like other things. Simple as that.

A final note - I'm now realising I's already said a last note - just remember the rule of showing and not telling. The first paragraph is very strong because you've abided by this rule. Telling precise measurements is telling. I myself struggle with the whole 'show, don't tell' rule. There might be other things in this story which doesn't abide by this rule, which I'm overlooking.

Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to read, and it's a pleasure to know that you will do well with this. I know. Just keep sticking at it, motivate yourself, and enjoy it.

Can I just say the smiley page had just came up with diagnose whatever internet problem. I was actually devastated until I thought about right clicking on that damn box which wouldn't let me do anything behind it - namely send this message - and click on back. I succeeded, and I am so damn glad I did, because otherwise, I probably wouldn't have the motivation to write another message like this which is unfortunate as I think it would be really useful for you.

Ok, without further ado... copy... paste... send. Oh, cool! It worked!

Thank you so much for the response. I will try to keep in mind everything you have told me. These are the sort of things that i need to work on and it is always good to have constructive criticism as it helps me to better my work.

As far as the rules of punctuation are concerned I in no way payed attention when i was in school and so will need to read a quick refresher on sentence structure and punctuation. But a few minutes on the web and i should find that no problem.  

When you spoke about spelling numbers and not being so specific in terms of telling and showing I like to think it is my greatest strength when describing characters and settings that i write in a way that allows the reader to sort of fill in the blanks and make up their own minds about how something looks or smells or tastes. I just need in future to be more careful and take a day or two away before I read something over and make changes. 

It's like you said originally It's all a good indication of strength and weakness and it shows me just were I need to brush up a little. All these changes are small things which means I have pretty much gotten the hang of it. Subtle refinement of my writing is all that is left. 

I'm writing a short story for the publisher excite and I am going to see how well I do swimming with the big fish. I will let everyone know how it goes and I won't let a set back stop me from writing. Probably nothing will come of it with the exception of more practice.

Thank you again for taking the time to be so in depth. I really appreciate it a lot          

 Wow Ginger, you are a natural, blessed critic!

I will keep that post for future refrence if you don't mind. I'm hopeless at punctuation and grammar skills. :-(

Leon, your work is something I really like and is a lot better than a majority of erotic fiction I have read in the past (though there is an occasional short story that stays put in my heart!)

I recieved your message, but can't reply using my mobile. Just incase you were wondering. Will message you back tomorrow though.