• Spiders in the shower register highly on many people’s phobia radar. Black, hairy, spindly-legged varmits with 6 eyes and funny feeder things beneath their GIANT FANGS OF DEATH. It’s not a sexually happy image, is it?

    Fortunately I’m not scared of spiders, so when Halloween rocks around you’ll find me in the local toy shop stocking up on fake plastic spiders to place between shower bottles, next to plug holes and in random corners to scare the bejesus out of my friends. Nothing funnier than a fully-grown man legging it out of the bathroom because of a plastic spider.

    If I start to feel guilty about doing this to my boyfriend (unlikely!), then I might be able to make amends by putting a different kind of Spider in the shower. There’s nothing creepy, crawly or bitey about my Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.

    The Spider Hands-Free Male Masturbator is much better than a big old bug in the bathroom...

    ultra-zone-geisha-male-masturbatorI’ve been a fan of sex toys and Japanese animation for years and years.

    Anything that blends these two things together in an anime/hentai-style fusion has me squealing and bouncing like a purple-haired, saucer-eyed girl in a sailor costume.

    This week's Awesome Sex Toy comes from Fun Zone in the form of the Ultra Zone Geisha Male Masturbators.

    Fun Zone have really upped the stakes in male masturbators by creating these ‘ultimate aficionado’ kits that contains a bit of kit I didn’t even know existed...

    Hella Sex DollEach week, hundreds of people find Lovehoney after searching the internet for solutions to their sex problems.

    Our alternative agony aunt Hella answers the questions you were too shy to ask anyone (except Google).


    How can I get my girlfriend to tape her fingers together and pretend she's a dinosaur?

    I’ve dealt with puppy play and pony play before, but this is a new one on me. I’m not sure which angle you’re going for here.

    Are you on a gigantism kick, genuinely turned-on by massive lizards or are you just aiming to make your Mrs look like an idiot?

    I suppose it doesn’t really matter, whether your desire to turn your girlfriend into Godzilla is genuinely sexually motivated or not, it can be done. If you’re unable to hypnotise her like Derren Brown, then follow my easy step-by-step guide to Getting Your Girlfriend to Tape Her Fingers Together and Pretend to be a Dinosaur...

    Light Up Simple Silicone Glow DildoHark back to the days of happy hardcore and opt for a neon shafting with the Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.

    The Light Up Real Silicone Glow Dildo and Light Up Simple Silicone Glow Dildo are more fun than flailing about in a reflector jacket to a 250 bpm soundtrack.

    Each box is packed with a shapely dong and 5 coloured glow sticks that you click, snap and insert into the base, turning your dildo into a rave-ready raunch rod. If you foresee the functionality of these light-up sex toys veering solely toward rowdy hen nights then think again. These dildos are made from silicone - a surprising revelation when the price tag for these beauties is only £18.99.

    The construction of these dildos also allows for a secondary function. Fans of temperature play can opt for a chilled insertion by loading the shaft with water, popping the plug in and sitting the dildo upright in the freezer for a couple of hours.

    A novelty light-up dildo made from silicone that can also chill your bones? Awesome!

    Toothbrush VibratorIt’s important to brush your teeth at least twice a day for two minutes if you want to avoid gnarly gnashers. This week's Awesome Sex Toy has been thoughtfully designed to take care of vagina dentata, but you don’t have to have a set of canines in your cooch for a toothbrush vibrator to be of benefit to your sex life.

    If you’ve ever asked a search engine “Can I use an electric toothbrush as a vibrator?” you might have overlooked the orgasmic capabilities of this humble household essential.

    Don’t pay attention to the advice littering cyberspace proclaiming that electric toothbrushes will sand your clit off, cause injury and just feel crap.

    Electric toothbrushes can and do make good vibrators and they make even better vibrators with a specially designed Tingletip Electric Toothbrush Clitoral Stimulator on board...

    Hella Rabbits

    Each week, hundreds of people find Lovehoney after searching the internet for solutions to their sex problems.

    Our alternative agony aunt Hella answers the questions you were too shy to ask anyone (except Google). 


    How to discreetly dispose of your dildo

    I know this problem all too well. It’s difficult to throw your dildo out without marching it to your local dump with it held aloft like the Statue of Liberty’s torch. But fret not, there is an easy alternative...

    Incoqnito Luxury Leather Handcuff BraceletI love those moments when you discover that a friend, colleague or new acquaintance is a little on the kinky side. More often than not those moments are restricted to drunken office nights out or stumbling across a naughty piece of paraphernalia at a dinner party, but there are more subtle pointers offered up by dedicated kinksters.

    The Lelo Insignia range comes with a pretty brooch that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if pinned to the lapel of an evening jacket and Ring of O- which comes from the classic Story of O - adorns many fingers (including my own) without so much as a comment. In an everyday nod to our sexual inner selves, these little markers make us feel part of a secret society and it’s all a bit fun to take part in. Unfortunately, these trinkets aren’t functional and always leave us extroverts wanting more. Cue Incoqnito.

    Have you ever felt that using a dildo felt too much like hard work? Do you find it hard to angle your toys to get a really satisfying penetration solo? Fear not, this week's Awesome Sex Toy is here to alleviate all of your self-pleasuring woes.

    The Monkey Rocker Hybrid is an eco-friendly sex machine that’s compatible with flat-based dildos and Vac-U-Lock accessories to offer you a penetrative thrill with virtually no effort.

    If you saw the Pipedream Extreme Realistic Vagina Ass and Legs Maturabtor from a distance, you’d be forgiven for thinking that some poor hottie had been horrifically dismembered.

    If I had the cash spare, I’d buy this giant male masturbator and position it halfway down a fox hole before sitting down to the local news and delighting at my own joke. The escaped tiger soft toy pranksterwould have nothing on me.

    The latest addition to the Pipedream Extreme range is an impressive set of pins and a delectable derriere.

    Peachy, pert and so intricately cast that even the nodules at the base of the model’s spine have been captured, this realistic sex doll is a perfect replication of a woman from her supple feet to her spankable tush.

    gherkin sex toy

    I (almost) ran out of words to describe my feelings when I was faced with this week's pick. I unpacked it, looked it up and down, cocked an eyebrow and after much thought, declared it pure genius.

    Imagine, if you will, the brainchild of an army of architects, politicians, council planners and hot shots mixed with vegetable-based lady porn. Somewhere between the abuse of vegetables and objectophilia is this week's Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.

    I give you... 30 St Mary Axe, AKA The Gherkin Silicone Vibrator.

    This may look like your average bit of souvenir tat that only the most tasteless tourist would hold aloft and declare, “Behold! The perfect gift for Granny!” But you are so very wrong.

    More entries