It’s bizarre how many Christmas traditions we carry into adulthood. The idea of grown men and women opening their advent calendars, scoffing the chocolate and waiting in anticipation for their Christmas stocking makes me giggle with... well, jealousy.
If like me your childhood Christmas joy has long since burned out and faded away, perhaps you’d like to join me in festifying your fun in the bedroom instead? You can’t really ‘Bah, humbug!’ that sentiment, can you?
My first ‘Festive Sex Toy of the Week’ is appearing well in advance of Crimbo. Why? Because you won’t want to miss the opportunity to breathe fresh life into an old Christmas tradition you may have left in your past.
Instead of stuffing your face this advent, or ignoring it all together, pick up some IOU A Merry Christmas Sex Vouchers (£3.99)...
Each week, hundreds of people find Lovehoney after searching the internet for solutions to their sex problems.
Our alternative agony aunt Hella answers the questions you were too shy to ask anyone (except Google).
How to strap a dildo to a chair
You may be making life harder for yourself than it need be. You can pick up a ready-made chair dildo for hands-free thrills on your favourite furniture.
If you’re really, REALLY fond of a particular dildo and want to adapt it, you have a few choices but many of them are going to involve some DIY.
If you have a flared-base dildo, you may be able to get it to stick to your chair by licking the bottom and forcefully slamming the base onto the chair. Simple! If your dildo doesn’t have a flared base that sticks, you’re in for some graft…
A cock ring is a simple device that works wonders in the bedroom. Designed to sit tightly around the penis or penis and testicles, they tend to be relatively nondescript in fashion. Stimulating and vibrating cock rings tend to be a little more interesting, but their curio-rating has nothing on this week's Awesome Sex Toy.
The Metal Worx Medium Cock Ring (£26.99), Metal Worx Large Metal Cock Ring (£31.99) and Metal Worx Extra Large Metal Cock Ring (£20.00) are more than a functional cock ring, they’re also a tool of chastity... of sorts.
These metal cock collars close around both the cock and balls, locking shut with a small-but-sturdy padlock to prevent removal. Of course, this allows you to still enjoy your sexual freedom, but not with anyone but your lover and yourself.
TIT WANK! Thought that would get your attention. Our recent advice guide, How To Give a Tit Wank? has proven a popular subject with search engines on and off the site. Unfortunately single men are going to be missing out on their tit job action and it’s clear that the sex toy industry finds this just as unfair as they do.
We’ve seen a lot of boobie masturbators at Lovehoney in various sizes, but as a good breast stroke is generally part of foreplay and not the main event, you might consider purchasing a big pair of prosthetic breasts a little rich for your means.
So what if you had a pair of boobs that could not only offer you a satisfying and slippery titwank but could also give you a realistic vaginal penetration to mix things up? You know where this is going, don’t you? From my favourite makers of weird and wonderful toys - Pipedream - comes the Pipedream Extreme Realistic Vagina and Tits Male Masturbator...
There is no test case to cite in support of the legal mortality status of zombies, but as a zombie is capable of consent then the rules of necrophilia cannot apply to a zombie-human sexual relationship. There is likely to be debate as to whether zombie-human relationships classify as being interspecies relationships, but as zombies are considered to be humans suffering from an infection there are no such legal restrictions preventing a relationship between humans and zombies.
When it comes to sex, there are some new safety rules you need to take into account. Zombie viruses can be transmitted via kissing, oral sex and penetrative sex so it’s vital to be extra careful when it comes to continuing your love life. You’ll need to avoid all of your boyfriend’s fluids - not just the sexual ones, so avoid contact with his face and ensure any wounds are securely bandaged before engaging in sexual contact. And I think this goes without saying, but condoms are a must.
Ouch! That’s got to be really hard for both of you to deal with. You want things back the way they were and he wants to eat your brains, that’s going to cause a lot of friction between the two of you.
Where there’s a will there is a way and it may be possible to salvage your relationship if you’re willing to adapt to his new needs and desires. Dealing with his constant advances toward your brain is going to get tricky. If you can coax him into wearing a comfy bit gag and a pair of handcuffs then you should find that you can take control of his unruly behaviour.
You may find that it’s more difficult to connect emotionally with him now that he’s one of the undead, so try to find a good balance between what you want and what he wants. Spend some nights at home in bed watching TV or talking about your hopes and dreams and others helping him hunt for his dinner. It’s key to take an interest in what’s important to him even if you don’t enjoy it.
The million dollar offers for Lindsay Lohan's bare bod keep rolling in! Last week the actress-cum-morgue worker reportedly received a $1 million cheque for a full frontal photoshoot for Playboy magazine, and now she's been offered the opportunity to let fans get to know her a little more intimately. TMZ report that leading male sex toy company Fleshlight have approached Lohan to become the latest Fleshlight Girl by taking a mould from the star's nether regions.
If Lohan accepts the offer she'll join Fleshlight Girls Jenna Haze, Riley Steele, Teagen Presley, Tera Patrick, Jesse Jane, Stoya and Misty Stone who all have versions of the world's number 1 selling masturbator cast from their bodies.
Is $1 million a bargain? Overpriced? Who would you like to see become a Fleshlight Girl?
Have you ever noticed how you can buy every kind of body part for sexual purposes? Over the years we’ve sold everything from feet and fists to heads and boobs.Now if only there was some way to sew these parts together and bring to life a living, breathing sex doll to service all of your wants, needs and desires. If sci-fi can be believed then all it takes to animate body parts is a good shock of electricity on a dark and stormy night.
Unfortunately my experiments haven’t yielded any fruitful results, possibly because the limbs I’ve used are made from realistic flesh and never belonged to real people but more probably because the Kinklab Neon Wand I’ve been using to try and shock my real-feel fittie to life is much more useful as a tool for sensory play. As sad as I am to discover that the Neon Wand has no life-giving capabilities, it is an awesome sex toy with lots of other things going for it...
The trouble with zombies is that they come at night, and so do we. Most of our sexual thrills are had between the sheets before bedtime and many of us will encounter our first zombie while getting frisky with a partner or ourselves. Most inconvenient.
On the plus side, Lovehoney customers will have plenty of weapons within arm's reach to help them combat the brain-hungry Z army.
At Lovehoney we believe in providing the best possible sex advice for all occasions, so in order to keep you sexually happy during the inconvenience of the apocalypse and the collapse of society, I've tried and tested some of the best methods of defeating zombies using only sex toys by subjecting myself to the wrath of three very brain-hungry zombies. Eeeek!