We've all been there. Those dull parties where somehow you've ended up stuck in a corner with a sweaty stamp collector insisting on running through the entire backstory of Babylon 5 while your partner looks just as bored across the room. Just think how different it could be if you had a Pleasure Seeker Remote Control Egg to hand, either feeling it buzzing unexpectedly deep inside you or making your partner squeal as the witless droning just washes over you.. This Orgasm Army reviewer's seen the light, and we think you should too!
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Oh okay, it's not really a sex toy. But it's got beads (sort of), which is enough for us, and this Orgasm Army reviewer has got us all hot under the collar with his story of how his girlfriend wore it out shopping one afternoon. So the next time you see someone having a hot flush in M & S, shout 'Pearl Thong!' and see if they flinch. Caution: not to be used at the gym! Unless you want a proper workout...
Boasting a name that would make Mary Whitehouse turn in her grave, the Anal Vibrating Invader with Cock Cage arrived at this particular Orgasm Army reviewer's house before work - in itself an uncharacteristic feat by Royal Mail, credit where credit's due - and it looks like the reviewer couldn't hope to rush home and try it on. Well you would, wouldn't you?
Frankly, we're distraught. Last December, Jonathan Ross featured our iBuzz Two music-activated vibrator, having a good old giggle for a couple of minutes describing how couples can get jiggy with the iPod attachment.
We'd have thought this might lead to a few complaints from Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells, giving us more fuel to pour on our publicity fire. But did anyone object to 120 seconds of sex toy demonstration? No.
But they did write in to complain about Jonathan Ross describing Nigella Lawson as a MILF. Which is weird - because if you know what the acronym means, why would you be upset by it? And if you don't know what it means, you wouldn't be upset...
Spotted in the Metro last Monday - Giant Homer in fertility dance. To promote the new Simpsons movie, publicists painted a giant Homer waggling a donut - or something donut-shaped - next to the clay outline of the famously erect Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset. Given its proximity to the Cerne Abbas cock, you'd be forgiven for taking this for a Universal Pump Seal, ready to give the lusty giant an extra-tight grip when he uses his favourite penis pump. Although with a cock like that, does he really need one? Typical Homer. Doh!
If you can't keep Mike Myers' wonky-toothed superspy out of your mind when you're having sex, or you wept into your pillow all night when the cocktus didn't win our Design Your Own Sex Toy Competition, don't fret! Help is at hand with the Toy Joy Shagadelic Vibrator - even if it is a bit pink for this particular Orgasm Army reviewer. Shag now or shag later?
Who needs Oil of Olay when you can rub-a-dub with a Good Vibrations Large Massage Bar, straight from the caring hands of the San Francisco company with thirty years of sexpertise behind them? Not this slippery Orgasm Army customer, although we don't recommend you eat too much of it, even if it does taste goooood!
What's yours called? We know a lot of you like to give your dildos names, but 'Swirly', the name given by this Orgasm Army reviewer to her Love Labs Spiral Massage Glass Dildo 7-inch, just seems - well, a bit short. Mr Swirly sounds much better to these ears... but you can't argue with her enthusiasm!
We've featured this before, but in recognition of the Professor's struggle to unravel himself on Sex Toys TV, and the continuing popularity of this indispensable accessory, we ask once more - is there any escape? For this Orgasm Army reviewer of our evergreen favourite bondage tape, the answer is clearly yes. Not that we've heard anyone else complain that they can get out of it - this reviewer's struggles must be a sight to behold. Maybe she should stick to some double lock police handcuffs - but in the meantime she's still managed to have fun with the tape. Read on...
Anal rookie? Before plunging in at the deep end - or plunging something deep in your end - you might want to consider a set of variably sized butt plugs such as the Liquorice Dip Butt Plug Triple Pack. With these you're guaranteed a smooth and easy beginner's ride, with the heavier artillery waiting until you're ready for that fuller sensation. Don't just take our word for it, check out what this plucky Orgasm Army reviewer had to say...