Much hilarity in last Friday's Peep Show when hapless lothario Mark tried to make up for his lack of prowess in the bedroom by introducing a dildo called "Kenneth" into a tentative romantic liaison with Dobby.
Readily identifiable by dildo connoisseurs at Lovehoney as a Doc Johnson Classic Dong, the veiny beast spent the episode languishing in Mark's pants and socks drawer, deployment in his sex tryst postponed by the death of Dobby's ex's mum.
Mark described the dildo as being 9 inches long, but we're not sure that Doc Johnson does a balls-free non-suction-cup dong in 9 inches. 8 inches, yes, 10 inches, yes. But 9 inches? We don't think so.
Perhaps Mark was referring to the insertable length. He could be a connoisseur after all.
Oh, and guys, if you're thinking about introducing a sex toy into the bedroom for the first time, maybe try something a little smaller to start with.
A week of refined and nostalgic sex toy reviews this week, with Victorian harlots, Mary Poppins and the Three Tenors getting a look in. Never fear though, there's plenty of sexy time satisfaction among the highbrow references.
This week's sex toy review round up
MsEllie got herself laced tightly into the Sweet Streak Underbust Waspie and reports that "I had to hang on to the bedpost as hubby heaved and wrenched, pulling me in with every tug. Getting dressed to go out has never been so erotic!" How did she feel? "Like some Victorian harlot." Oh, how you do send us into paroxysms MsEllie! Read the review.
Bringing exquisite pleasure to LovelyLady was the Lovehoney Magic Mini Rabbit Vibrator. "As a single lady, I haven't quite had a reason to raise my voice in the bedroom but this mini rabbit had me singing like one of the tenors!" With this waterproof vibrator, singing in the shower has never been so pleasurable. Read the review.
Keeping it quiet was Ecksvie who enjoyed the Lovehoney Silencer 2.0 Whisper Quiet Waterproof Vibrator this week. She gives us our one-liner this week, with the conclusion that this super-quiet vibrator is, "the Mary Poppins of toys – practically perfect in every way!" Read the review.
There were contortions aplenty in Mad4Sex's bedroom as he and his partner gave the Lover's Choice 52 Sex Positions Cards a thorough testing. Unfortunately, some of the positions were a little ambitious and destined for the, "you're having a laugh, only try this if you are built like an olympic gymast or wish to end up in traction" pile. Read the review.
Buttercup.'s experience with the Vibrating Silicone Cock Ring was clearly a revelation - in more ways than one. She tells us that "I leave it at my boyfriend's house, and soon worked out that he was using it alone!" We love it when a toy is a hit for both partners! Read the review.
Got some free time this weekend? Or need to relax after some hectic Christmas shopping? Why not test out some sex toys and let everyone know how it went by adding a new review.
We've been at the mulled wine already! If you're looking for great value sexy Christmas gifts then look no further. Lovehoney has three incredible offers for you to take advantage of. It's the perfect way to get ahead on your Christmas shopping (or get yourself an early Christmas treat).
With each offer, you can choose any three things (pick'n'mix style) and pay £10, £25 or £50. There's something for everyone, including TENGA, Durex Play, Lovehoney bestsellers and much, much more.
Offer ends 23 December.
Stuff your stocking - choose 3 for £10
Choose any three stocking filler toys and pay just £10. Choose from a wide range of toys sure to brighten up their Christmas, including BASIC Sex Toys, condoms, Durex Play lubes, sexy novelties, nipple tassels and sexy games. See the full list.
Top-rated gifts - choose 3 for £25
A great way to get your Christmas shopping started at a bargain price - choose three selected top-rated toys and gifts for just £25. There's top Lovehoney favourites, TENGA sex toys for men and Earthly Body massage candles. See the full list.
Perfect treats - choose 3 for £50
Kick-start your Christmas shopping (or just give yourself a treat) by getting three selected top-rated toys and gifts for just £50. Choose any three sex toys - including Lovehoney silicone vibes, Pin Ups Gift Set, BASIC Sex Toys bumper pack, and luxury pampering products from Booty Parlor. See the full list.
Don't forget - everything is delivered FREE in the UK!
F-f-f-f-f-freezing temperatures outside, but red hot bedrooms across the country (judging by this week's sex toy reviews at least). The was one reviewer left cold though, but who? Read on to find out.
This week's sex toy review round up
We loved Old hetro's review of the Monkey Spanker Male Masturbator and the re-invigorated sex life he's been enjoying. "I have been able to stir the chap from its slumber to an aroused and wanton hardness." Read the review.
A hot contender for the title's one-liner this week was Sammy C in a review of Durex Play Very Cherry Lubricant 50ml. "Very easy to use, if you're not a moron. Pump it until liquid comes out. Sound familiar?" Why, now that you mention it it does! Read the review.
It was lickmadick who was left cold by the catchily-and-not-at-all-cumbersomely-named Super Xtreme Scorpion Vibrating Ring with Dual Stinger Anal Vibrator which is apparently "as good as sticking a pen where the sun don't shine... " Ouch. Read the review.
NakedAce provides the cryptic one-liner this week, taken from his review of the Big Daddy's Cock Ring "I must say, it was on tight and I was [insert Ashford & Simpson lyrics here] for ages." Did you have to google it? We did and then sang along to the full song on YouTube. Read the review.
Getting down, but not too dirty was tigerlilies with her Lelo Sutra Chainlink Cuffs. "Only a company from a sexually liberated county like Sweden would advise ‘Dry Clean Only’ for bondage gear, so with that in mind, don’t take them to a sploshing party." Read the review.
It's set to be a chilly weekend across the country, so time to hunker down and get some testing underway. Let everyone know how it went and add a new review.
Renowned for an advanced range of rechargeable luxury sex toys, Lelo have now launched a range of waterproof vibrators so you can enjoy a more relaxing bath or stimulating shower. The new Insignia range consists of Alia (a versatile clitoral vibrator), Isla (an elegant mid-sized vibrator) and Soraya (a dual action vibrator with external stimulator).
Each has a finger loop incorporated into the design, making them easy to hold on to underwater. Like all other Lelo vibrators, the Insignia range is rechargeable and a 2-hour charge provides approximately 4 hours of play.
Lelo always deliver gratifying pleasure objects served in luxurious packaging that make an ideal treat for your lover (or yourself) and the new waterproof Insignia range is no exception.
This week's crazy, windy weather has certainly been whipping you all into a frenzy. This week's sex toy reviews being particularly whacky and very amusing!
This week's sex toy review round up
Giving us the giggles first this week was Gigi44 and her review of the Fetish Fantasy Sex Swing. "The funniest part for a single woman when setting up a sex swing? Who to ask to hang the hook up, and what to tell your teenage sons about the hook suddenly hanging from the living room ceiling!" It gets even better - read the review.
Loopallu didn't get on with the Jaguar Vibrating Cock Ring with Enhancer Beads, but described the experience with hilarity. "Quite honestly, it was like trying to wrestle seven steroid-pumping, disobedient, jelly polos onto a rolling pin... The best thing I can say about the Jaguar is that it gives a satisfying thud when it's slung at the wall." Read the review.
This week roaminghands found a new top toy in the 10 Function Stimulating G-Spot Wand Vibrator. "Definitely my new favourite vibe, thrashing my waterproof bunny out of the water and relegating it back to its warren." Poor bunny, but just why was the G-Spot Wand so good? Read the review.
Teaching us a new word this week was englishrose in her review of erotic novel The Persian Girl. At one point there's a "possibly blasphemous incidence of agalmatophilia where a young female captive pleasures herself on a god's statue." But if statue-loving isn't your thing, don't worry as, "there really is something for every taste here." Read the review.
Mr.E is the writer of today's glorious one-liner - after giving the Tracey Cox Supersex Stroker a very thorough testing. "Without 'beating' around the bush, it's been tested 4 times already." Read the review.
Whether you've been smirking with pleasure or laughing at a sex toy let-down, let everyone know about it and add a new review.
Will you be seeing fireworks tonight? Our sex toy reviewers this week have definitely been reporting on many sensual evenings going with a bang!
This week's sex toy review round up
Testing out the utterly indulgent Jimmyjane Afterglow Massage Candle Bourbon, Mr Monster gave a review packed with alluring adjectives. "It brushed onto Mrs M's skin, soft and silky, and that's when the Bourbon scent rolled over us; smoky, sultry, spicy, heavy, heady and exotic." Read the review.
Pleasure came in (rabbit) leaps and bounds for Mandy who found the Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Aquagasm Waterproof Vibrator had an unexpected temporary side effect. "I was more than impressed (in fact I was temporarily paralysed hehe) just by the vibrator." Read the review.
Adoring the Bondage Boutique Luxury Leather and Rubber Ball Gag this week was BashfulBabe. In fact, the whole range seems to have pleased her. "All the Bondage Boutique leather stuff seems to have that delicious smell about it, and is usually the perfect balance of durable and soft." Read the review.
You're not seeing double - there was another fan of the Bondage Boutique Luxury Leather and Rubber Ball Gag in KittyKat007. "The ball was a little unforgiving and felt huge at first but after your mouth gets used to it you barely notice the size or hardness of it. Chances are you’re too preoccupied with the size and hardness of something else in the room!" Read the review.
OK, missorgasm, we agree that the Lovehoney Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator looks like nothing else and that your description of it as "a futuristic tape dispenser" is not far off! But did it please? Oh yes! "It took nearer 30 minutes than three, but my God, it was long, slow, sensual, and 'O' so satisfying." Read the review.
Whether you've been seeing sparks or seeing red because of your sex toys, let everyone know about it and add a new review.