It's the second of our videos from the Venus Sex Show, in which my johnson gets a treat from a masturbation machine.
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At the end of day two of the Venus Berlin Sex Show, a dump from the camera's memory reveals some random weirdness - most of it willy-shaped.
Have you ever noticed when you're at at deli counter in Sainbsbury's that the salami (titter) looks just like a (titter) penis (titter).
Well, somebody else has too, so they've taken sausage-tittering to the logical extreme and produced a salami THAT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE A PENIS! And they called it Mr Salami.
One slice or two?
More good news from the Venus Berlin Sex Show for the world's lazy onanists, this time from Japan. And no, we don't mean the pretty Japanese girl in the bunny outfit, rather the SOM Series of electrical masturbators that she's representing.
Much more clinical in appearance than many fucking machines - a polite way of saying they don't look like they've been made in a shed - the SOM Series is a range of masturbators, two for men and one for women.
Here's a question for you: how lazy does a man have to be not to wank himself off? Pretty lazy and pretty wealthy, if the prices of the male masturbation machines on display at Venus are anything to go by.
Once upon a time, a bloke would lie on his left arm for half an hour before bashing the bishop and that was enough to make it feel like someone else was doing it. Now, though, some of the finest (or perviest) minds in engineering are trying to perfect the perfect wank for the laziest men alive.
A behind-the-scenes glimpse into the trade hall at the Venus Sex Show in Berlin. Penis bean bags, porn DVD vending machines, and a guy with a hands-free masturbator await. Oh, and not to mention the crazy fucking machine at the end...
At first glance they look like birthing balls - the giant extra-strong beach balls that are used for exercise by pregnant women and (probably) people who don't pronounce "pilates" to rhyme with "pirates".
But take a second look, there's most evidently something amiss. Or in addition. The brains behind the Sexcerciseball have taken the common or garden (and inoffensive) birthing ball and turned it into something all the more exciting - and they're claiming a world first in the process.
"Proceed with caution" is the mantra of the day when it comes to a visit to Venus, Europe's (if not the West's) biggest sex show. The vast majority of exhibitors are here to show off off their XXX-rated pornographic wares, so you're rarely more than 6 feet away from a 40-inch plasma screen showing, well, 40 inches of rutting, sucking and fu... You can guess the rest.
So, with caution in mind, our first despatch from the show floor is relatively tame, focusing on a couple or three products that wouldn't look out of place in your living room - that is, if your living room happens to be in a brothel...
This Thursday sees the start of Venus Berlin [proceed with caution], one of the biggest sex shows in the world. The four-day event takes place in the giant Messe exhibition centre where more than 400 exhibitors will showcase new sex toys, outrageous sex machines and acres and acres and acres of pornography. And not to mention the XXX-rated floor shows.
Of course, we're not much interested in the latter. We're heading over there to find the best new sex toys and we'll also find plenty of time to update the Lovehoney blog with the sights and sounds (but not the smells) of Venus.
We'll also be unleashing The Professor from Sex Toys TV - it'll be as much fun seeing what they make of him as what he makes of them. And crazy things like this $5,000 sex machine that we saw last year...
Since introducing the topic of how to introduce sex toys to your partner, I have given a lot of advice. I have suggested that you keep things simple, starting out with toys that are not so advanced that you frighten or repel your partner before you ever get started. I have also advised that you remember to keep it fun--reducing the pressure and anxiety associated with trying new things in the bedroom leads to more good times for everyone.
But this is the last week, so I will end with the most important advice there is to give on how to introduce sex toys into your sex life:
So that's what they mean when they say Alan's got green fingers... Julie Peasgood, author of The Greatest Sex Tips in the World popped up on the Alan Titchmarsh show yesterday to talk about how you green your sex life - a discussion which simply wouldn't be complete without mentioning Lovehoney's Rabbit Amnesty sex toy recycling scheme. Click below to watch the clip.