Oh, my stars and garters, y'all. Harvey Nichols has unveiled a new perfume that smells of... blood, sweat, saliva, and semen. No, seriously.
I have exactly zero idea of who would want to wear this - last I heard, we were all taking showers to get rid of these scents, but what do I know? These crazy kids these days. The stuff even costs £76, which might technically be more than the current cost of all the clothes that I'm wearing.
Of slightly more useful bent, though still definitely odd, is the new Vulva Real Vagina Scent. I feel silly saying it, since it is all in the name, but this stuff... smells like a woman's vagina. Or her vulva. Or her vulva/vagina/real. But even better than the other perfume (at least... I hope this is a difference), the Vulva scent also tastes like the real thing.
Um... considering the effect it supposedly had on the male testers, I'm thinking using it to arouse your man... in... some way. And certainly men can use it on their own toys (though you should spot check it with silicone - I'm not trusting this one til someone tells me it doesn't go all melty). I'm not completely sure about women wearing it for perfume. Though I'm almost tempted to see how it spices up my metro ride.
There is a new review in and the guy seems to love it:
This replicates the natural scent of a vagina. Just place a little on the back of your hand and wait a minute before having a sniff... Great for making willy hard.
If you have an iPod with orgasmic sounds, some good porn, a Fleshlight and this... You won't be seen for hours - days even!
A hospital builder tasked with locking up the site was discovered having sex with a Henry the Hoover by a somewhat surprised security guard at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital, reports The Sun newspaper.
The naked Polish contractor was caught in flagrante on his knees with the smiling vacuum cleaner in the staff canteen and was promptly removed by the security guard after being told to "clean himself and the hoover".
The builder's excuse that he was merely vacuuming his underwear – "a common practice in Poland" – cut no mustard with his bosses, and he went from suck to sack
However, it is possible utilise the power of your vacuum cleaner to deliver incredible orgasms. The Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator has a clitoral stimulator that uses a flow of air to vibrate the clitoris – simply clip it on to your vacuum cleaner and heaven awaits. But do make sure you do this in the comfort of your own home!
I don't even know how it would be possible, but The Sun tells me that one of the most commonly left behind items when people leave their rented homes are sex toys.
People leave behind their sex toys.
"The item most often left by tenants leaving rented property is a SEX TOY, a survey reveals.
Blow-up dolls, condoms and even a pair of handcuffs fixed to a wall were among naughty rubbish landlords found."
Let's not be crazy here, folks. We spend money on our toys. We love them. They love us. They should not be left behind like an unwanted bin bag. If you're leaving them behind because you don't want the movers to come upon them or you don't have room to pack them, grab a cute lockable case to house all your little friends in. But don't just abandon them. They would never do that to you.
If you've thought about leaving them behind because they've lived a full life and have no more service in them, remember to recycle them. Either take them to your recycling centre to be thrown in with electronics (don't be embarrassed--seriously, we've all seen sex toys before) or if you've got a Rabbit, take advantage of the Lovehoney Rabbit Amnesty.
The Wall Street Journal (not a regular read for me, admittedly) brings news that Welch's grape juice is going to be advertised with a lickable advert.
Needless to say, this got us to thinking which Lovehoney products we'd like to see advertised with a peel-and-lick off-the-page promo.
I can barely open any of my email boxes without getting someone sending me a link to Savage Love's newest column on sex toy recycling and etiquette. Why people thought I would be especially interested was because the question writer asked this, in part:
1) What is good sex-toy etiquette? Can you use sex toys in one relationship and then in the next one? Also, when I've been with women, it was NOT okay to reuse sex toys. They died with the relationship. Is it different with heteros?
2) Can you recycle sex toys with your recycling like you would other plastic products?
It's like a dream come true - I come on to the site to take a look around for a little late self-Valentine's gifty and what do I see but a little icon telling me that my purchase will give me "ipoints". I tried not to get too excited until I took a closer look, but it's true - you can now earn points for all your Lovehoney purchases that will let you trade them in for various freebies.
If you've never stumbled across them before, ipoints is a big partnership between quite a few online vendors - you can earn points on any of the associated sites and use them on a wide selection of rewards. For example, spending 250 points will get you a 2 for 1 voucher at Twice the Spice or 2,576 points will get you a 12 month subscription to Glamour magazine. Lovehoney is offering 10 points for every £1 you spend on the site, so you can see it wouldn't take you long to rack up some great freebies - I've got my eye on the candy floss maker. At only 5,760 points needed, that shouldn't be too hard to do with the SinFive line calling my name...
Oh, it's time for men (and women) who love the look of a woman in a high heel to rejoice - the BBC is saying that wearing heels might improve our sex lives. Here I've always thought it was enough that wearing heels made me feel sexier and made me sexier to men, but an Italian urologist who likes her own heels is saying that that isn't the end of it. Apparently, wearing heels helps to strengthen our pelvic floor muscles (those are the ones that contract when you're having an orgasm - you know, the ones I'm always on about the need to strengthen with kegel exercises). Even better, though, is that this benefit seems to come from wearing a nice two inch heel that is more work-friendly than a stiletto:
A problem that has plagued countless circles of girly chats for ages has finally shown up over on the Orgasm Army forums - what do you do when your man's come tastes... less than enjoyable?
"well... when my boyfriend cums in my mouth it tastes foul!!! it's watery and very salty... i cant quite explain the taste but you get my drift....anyway... is it just what he eats that make it taste like that? If so what foods should he eat or any other suggestions? Does any one else have this problem? Thanks x"
As usual, the soldiers over in the Army had many helpful tips:
So the other week I talked about how sex could be used as a way to help you lose weight (great for those new year's resolutions), now we've got the flip side of that idea - exercise that helps you get in shape for sex. Maybe it doesn't seem as immediately satisfying (heh), but the long term effects can be pretty incredible.
Improving your cardiovascular strength and getting super-flexible helps you to achieve what I call TV Sex - all that hot and steamy action that you have before only seen on TV or in the movies is now possible in your own bedroom (or... elsewhere).
Best exercises? Bikram yoga, running, boxingand dancing. Each have their own purpose, but the overall effect will be to increase your endurance, your flexibility, and your muscle control. And dancing has the added benefit of helping you develop rhythm.
Take a moment and think how that might be beneficial. I'll wait.
Now... ready to get started on your workout? It's good to have the proper motivation in mind...
Everyone's favourite electric toothbrush attachment, the Tingle Tip Clitoral Stimulator, has been voted Best Sex Toy in DIVA magazine's Readers' Awards 2008.
The readers of Europe's biggest-selling lesbian magazine clearly love its unobtrusive style – you can openly leave it in the bathroom – and the fact that it delivers orgasmic vibrations straight from your electric toothbrush, of course!
And it's not only DIVA readers who love the Tingle Tip. Here's what Lovehoney reviewer leonine had to say about it:
"I'd read about this product in Cosmo where it was given 9 out of 10. As I have an Oral-B brush, I thought I'd try it out and like the other reviewer I was eager to try it as this is my first sex toy. It's exactly as described. I was worried how the pink disc would feel but it's incredibly smooth and vibrates side to side. I'm not exaggerating when I say I came in 2 minutes and then again. My first multiple! It's a brilliant stimulator."