Or should that be, how to blow just over two grand in a few hours? I kid you not, I've seriously screwed. I have just spent an obscene amount of money on a half-necessary shopping trip. An obscene amount of money that I can't really spare. Fuck!
OK, maybe it was necessary. Maybe everything I have bought today is absolutely essential. Yes, that's what I'll keep telling myself: I needed to spend all that cash on clothes and make-up otherwise the world would have ended. Hmmm, I'm feeling marginally better about it all now.
So, do you want to know why I spent all that cashola in as little as four hours? The reason why I've been shopping today is because I'm going on holiday next Sunday. At last, I'm finally tearing myself away from the grime of city life to up-sticks and leg it to Mauritius for a week of glorious sunshine and embarrassing tan lines.
Subtitled "A sex toy story", the Rabbit Fever movie hits UK cinema screens on 22 September.
It's blled as a mockumentary - think Spinal Tap or A Mighty Wind - but from the Web site it's nigh-on impossible to work out whether there's anything more in store than talking heads and smutty giggles. Let's hope so.
Some of the acting in the preview trailers makes Robin Asquith look like Sir John Gielgud, so you might have more fun staying in with your rabbit than going out to see a movie about one...
In fact, why not treat yourself to a new rabbit vibrator just for the occasion. ;-)
Our Sperm Tester couple are limbering up to prepare for their 30 days of blow-jobs and we wanted to give them every possible assistance so we've sent them a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Oral Sex.
Subtitled "How to Give a Man Mind Blowing Pleasure" it gives girls all the tips, tricks and techniques they need to please their fella.
So, not only is Jason going to have the benefit of 30 days of blow-jobs, he's going have 30 days of expert blow-jobs. Lucky bastard.
I had an email yesterday evening from a couple called Ben and Jasmine who have been reading my website for the past weeks and wanted to tell me all about their kinky water sports!
After detailing some pretty intense bathroom action they asked me to give them a shout out on my website, so hey guys! Hope you two are up to something naughty, and many thanks for your golden shower email. You got made me feel extremely horny last night after reading your email. So horny in fact, that I called upon a 'friend' to come over and help me recreate some of the action...
It's the moment we've all been waiting for... Time to introduce the lucky couple who have agreed to donate a month of blow-jobs in the name of science.
Sperm tester: Sarah (Sarah is a swallower)
Sperm donor: Jason
Sarah and Jason have been a couple of 20 months and say they have oral sex a couple of times a week. They have had oral sex in their bedroom, kitchen, bathroom and lounge, so if you're a houseguest of theirs, it's best to knock before entering any room.
Sarah says they would be great Sperm Testers because "We've dyed his pubic hair, made a cock mould and put Space Dust inside me..."
What better qualifications could you have?
Sperm Testing and Sarah's intimate blow-by-blow online account of the trial will begin here on 12 September.
Sarah will post a diary message every day, with specially detailed posts describing the taste of Jason's natural emissions every time they have oral sex. A control sample will be taken to gauge Jason's natural level of saltiness before the effects of the Sweet Release test product.
When we recruited our sperm tester couple, we asked applicants to tell us about unusual places they had had oral sex - here are just some of the replies...
1 "Kemble airfield (in the fire drill plane)" Admirably precise, thank you. Doing it in parked Cessna would have been *so* degrading.
2 "We are from Czech Republic, does it matter?" Er...
3 "Argyle street in Glasgow on a Saturday night (really busy street)." Isn't it more unusual to go down Argyle Street and not get a quickie?
4 "A quarry." And they say romance is dead.
5 "In the hospital." Nurse, the screens!
6 "On my Nans Sewing basket - 'Sticky Jumper darling?'" !!
7 "On the edge of a cliff on the Guisbrough Hills." Living dangerously.
8 "On the London Eye." Impressive way to spend 40 minutes rotating slowly above the River Thames in a glass bubble.
9 "AT MY FRIENDS BBQ IN THIER LOO." Make sure it's not still pink in the middle.
10 "In the middle of local pub - got us banned." How unreasonable!
Lovehoney is happy to service its US customers, but if you're in the US and need faster delivery than our transatlantic service can provice, try Babeland.
Babeland is one of the most successful sex toy companies in the US. Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning founders of Babeland are committed to offering information and encouragement to women who want to explore their sexuality, Claire and Rachel made sure the store offered top quality products and a pleasant place to shop.
You can find out what Babeland is all about at www.babeland.com.
If you're browsing Lovehoney from the US take a look at Babeland’s use a rabbit guide and meet the sexiest and most well-known vibrator today.
And you can buy some Lovehoney favourites like the iBuzz too.
The new issue of Scarlet magazine features a glowing five-star review of the Fun Factory Intensity Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator, which has been one of our faves for a while.
"The design is stunningly executed," reads the breathless review. "There are various vibe patterns to tickle your fancy, and they all pack a punch with the consisten vibration rbing on orgasm ni under three minutes. What more could you ask for, other than perhaps a cuddle?"
We couldn't agree more. :-)
The Lovehoney Sperm Testers will be sampling the Sweet Release Oral Sex Supplement.
Taken orally (appropriately enough), it's a dietary supplement designed to alter the scent and taste of your sexual fluids. "Imagine the confidence of being able to enjoy oral sex, knowing that a sweet delicious taste and scent is coming from you," says the product blurb.
Two Sweet Release capsules are taken twice a day for 30 days. And by the end of it, he should be tasting a sweet apples.
Our Sperm Testers will each keep an online diary of how their man's taste changes over the course of a month. Fruity!