Boasting a name that would make Mary Whitehouse turn in her grave, the Anal Vibrating Invader with Cock Cage arrived at this particular Orgasm Army reviewer's house before work - in itself an uncharacteristic feat by Royal Mail, credit where credit's due - and it looks like the reviewer couldn't hope to rush home and try it on. Well you would, wouldn't you?
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Seen the word BDSM before but don't know what it means? Here's a general overview to get you up to speed...
Frankly, we're distraught. Last December, Jonathan Ross featured our iBuzz Two music-activated vibrator, having a good old giggle for a couple of minutes describing how couples can get jiggy with the iPod attachment.
We'd have thought this might lead to a few complaints from Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells, giving us more fuel to pour on our publicity fire. But did anyone object to 120 seconds of sex toy demonstration? No.
But they did write in to complain about Jonathan Ross describing Nigella Lawson as a MILF. Which is weird - because if you know what the acronym means, why would you be upset by it? And if you don't know what it means, you wouldn't be upset...
Hold your breath during sex and you may as well not bother trying to orgasm at all...
Nobody likes interrupting a long licking session to shave those nasty artificial lube flavours off their tongue. If licking's turned to gurning for you one too many times, check out what this Orgasm Army reviewer has to say about the natural taste and long-lasting slippery fun of Sliquid Swirl Flavoured Lubricant!
'Let's pretend we're authority figures, bourgeois neurotics, juvenile delinquent and welfare officer, arresting officer with clipboard and handcuffs, personality sex offender and victim turned accomplice. We are aroused by language over touch. This isn't a skin-on-skin affair and I don't think we've even seen each other naked. This is not about bodies.' All of which makes Leonie Martel's The Private Undoing of a Public Servant a very different erotic novel indeed, marrying the usual fem-dom paraphernalia of butt plugs, bondage, lashing and cross-dressing to the tale of a cabinet minister's downfall at the hands of an uncompromising pervert.
Spotted in the Metro last Monday - Giant Homer in fertility dance. To promote the new Simpsons movie, publicists painted a giant Homer waggling a donut - or something donut-shaped - next to the clay outline of the famously erect Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset. Given its proximity to the Cerne Abbas cock, you'd be forgiven for taking this for a Universal Pump Seal, ready to give the lusty giant an extra-tight grip when he uses his favourite penis pump. Although with a cock like that, does he really need one? Typical Homer. Doh!
If you can't keep Mike Myers' wonky-toothed superspy out of your mind when you're having sex, or you wept into your pillow all night when the cocktus didn't win our Design Your Own Sex Toy Competition, don't fret! Help is at hand with the Toy Joy Shagadelic Vibrator - even if it is a bit pink for this particular Orgasm Army reviewer. Shag now or shag later?