I bet half the male population of Britain was glued to Channel 4 last night for their Celebrity Sex Tapes Unwound program. And I bet a great deal of women also tuned in to catch a glimpse of Colin Farrell's butt; Tommy Lee's enormous wang or Rob Lowe's even bigger sex sword. But I was more interested in the Paris Hilton sex tape.
For a girl who is supposed to be so fly about her supposed wild behaviour and 'couldn't care less' attitude, Paris didn't exactly come across as someone who knew what she was doing in the bedroom. In fact, she looked kind of bored, reluctant and – dare I say it – talentless.
We've all had moments when we feel horny as hell in work, but unless you carry a Mini Rabbit vibe around in your bag there's little you can do about it without attracting attention to yourself in the Ladies.
And what about if some horny guy moves into the flat across the hall from you? What would you do to satisfy your craving for him? In the case of Bettina Varese's Diary Of A Nymph erotic short story, anything she damn well pleases...
The excerpt taken below is from Erotica 1: Bettina's Tales, Erotic Short Stories, collected by Bettina Varese (The Collective)
Sasha. It doesn't matter how many times I try to forget about her; how much I try to block her from my mind, I just can't get this women out of my head. Her tight, silky ass. Her pert, perfect breasts with their berry-red nipples. Her curvaceous mouth and bee-stung lips. Her pussy, wet, warm, clean-shaven.
Ever since we were in University together, I've never had such hot sex with anyone as I have with her. Never have I been so turned on by anyone, male or female, as I have been with Sash.
I promised you that I would tell you about what happened when she came over last week to talk about our failed attempt at a threesome, during our group holiday in Mauritius. So here it is.
She wanted to talk to me about what had happened on holiday, and I knew her husband Jeremy wanted to try another threesome with us, but I didn't quite expect what happened the other night...
I'm no Cinderella, but by hell or high water I am going to the ball! Skin Two's Rubber Ball, to be precise. Let's hear it for four days of full-on fetish parties, gorgeous corsets, PVC pants and all the filthy, frisky shopping my little purse can handle!
Skin Two's Rubber Ball is being held from the 5-8 of October, at various venues and secret locations across London. This year, it kicks off on Thursday 5 October with The Flash Monkey Cabaret Casbah (held at Cafe de Paris, Coventry Street, London), which boasts an erotic smorgasbord of burlesque dancing, live music, circus and fairground sideshow acts and DJ sets.
I'm back in the UK, I'm knackered, I'm sunburnt, I'm hungover and I've blown my holiday spending budget. To top it all off, I'm feeling regretful, embarrassed and as though I want to dig a big hole and bury myself in it.
My date with Sasha and her husband was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. And I've made plenty of mistakes in my short time on this earth...
Dressed in my cute printed dress from Mango and a pair of Aldo platforms, I thought it if I walked the 10-minutes to the nearby hotel where Sasha's husband had booked a room, it would help calm my nerves and head-off my overwhelming sense of anticipation. First mistake of the night: throbbing feet and painful blisters does not make one feel sexy.
10 minutes ago I was sitting at a beachside bar with Sash, listening to her talk about how she has made a big mistake getting married so young and how her and her husband have started bringing other people into their sexual relationship to try and spice things up. Swinging, in other words then.
I've just about digested my Miss Pink cocktail (crushed strawberries, champers and cherry liqueur) and I'm writing this blog in earnest because I have a date to get ready for. You've probably guessed with who the date is. Yep, Sash and her husband. I don't know how we're going to manage it, sloping away from the rest of the group without raising suspicion. And what makes it harder is that most of my old mates on this holiday know about my past fling with Sash.
Sasha's husband has actually booked a room for the three of us in a different hotel complex, which makes it easier on one hand because we'll have some privacy. But like I told you earlier in the week, this is an insanely tight-knit group holiday and everyone is insisting on hanging out together all the time. So Sash and I have come up with a plan where I feign a migraine and opt for a night in bed (well, technically it's true!), while Sash and her hubbie will say they're going for a romantic meal alone time. Hopefully, the rest of the gang won't insist on checking in on me when I'm supposed to be in my room...
I can't write for long because my hotel room has become the 'meet-up' point for everyone on this bloody holiday. I swear, everywhere I go someone tags along. I can't even go to the loo without one of the girls sharing a cubicle with me. It's like I'm in some damn witness protection program. I just want an hour to write my blog in peace!
So real quickly then, the big news so far this week is that Sasha has been flirting with me like mad – proper leg stroking and ass fondling under the table – and so has her husband. I think there may be some threesome action on the cards. Please, please, please! Elsewhere, my friend Jessica pulled the sleaziest dude I have ever seen in my life last night. He told her he owned the restaurant we ate in. Turns out he collected the glasses. Oh, and I've lost my Nicole Farhi flats. Damn it!
On with the main show. Here is the second erotic story excerpt of the week I promised you. This one is from a favourite book of mine...
This particular story is called One Of The Boys by Robyn Russell, and it's about a 16-year-old girl called Sam, her boyfriend Jamie, his cousins, and a sex siren called Margaret who moves to their quiet town for one sizzling summer.
I wish you were here. I wish you all were because this place is simply heaven. My hotel room, now beautifully scented with the Jo Malone candles I bought last week, is basic but comfortable and the resort itself has the appearance of a mini paradise. This place is so beautiful that I'm feeling a smudge romantic. Shame I haven't got a significant other to share it with, though.
Oooh, speaking of significant others, do you remember me saying that Sasha was coming on this holiday with us? Well she is here, looking as sexy and toned as ever. There's a slight problem, though, in that she's brought her HUSBAND with her! When the hell did she get married? More to the point, when did she stop being a major lesbian? I have always been openly bi, but toward the end of our last year in uni Sasha was vehemently anti-men. Believe me when I say, my head is still swimming from the shock of it all.
Hello, sex kittens! This is just a quickie to say I'm off to Mauritius on Sunday morning, so this is my last blog for this week. I will, however, be taking my laptop with me and I will update my site from the resort. Seriously, I can't wait to get out there.
Because I'll be sunning myself on the beach all day and partying like mad in the nights, I have decided to take three erotic books with me and I will blog next week from Mauritius and let you know about each of them. It'll be like our very own sexy beach book club!
So ciao for now, and I'll drop you a line next week to reveal some naughty snippets from the first of my dirty books. And, of course, to tell you of any holiday escapades!
I had an email yesterday evening from a couple called Ben and Jasmine who have been reading my website for the past weeks and wanted to tell me all about their kinky water sports!
After detailing some pretty intense bathroom action they asked me to give them a shout out on my website, so hey guys! Hope you two are up to something naughty, and many thanks for your golden shower email. You got made me feel extremely horny last night after reading your email. So horny in fact, that I called upon a 'friend' to come over and help me recreate some of the action...