• Fetish FAQs With Jess: "My Wife Wants Me to Dominate Her, But it Seems Wrong..."

    jess-bw A lot of you lovely readers will already know who I am, but for those of you who don't, let me introduce myself.

    I'm Jess; Lovehoney's in-house Bondage Expert. With a background in burlesque, pin up modelling, fetish event promotion and being a bit of a pirate-goth hybrid, my transition to Bondage Expert has been pretty easy!

    As you can probaby imagine, I see a fair share of niche products, and every day have something new and fantastic on my desk. It's through personal research, experience and a keen interest in all things unusual that have led me to learn a tonne about a wide range of fetishes.

    Every week I get asked questions about bondage and kink, but there are some questions which crop up (grooaan!) more often than others. That's the inspiration for this blog.

    Every month I'll be taking the most common (or most interesting!) questions and answering them here.

    Got a burning question about bondage, S&M or another fetish? Comment below and your question could be answered in next month's blog.



    "How can I get my partner to consider exploring bondage?"

    As with all new sexual exploration, the key is communication. Even though it might sound like the easiest option, believe me that no one wants to have an idea thrust upon them in 'the moment'.

    Talk to your partner, and explain what it is you're interested in exploring, and make sure you give plenty of time for the idea to sink in, and for them to ask any questions they might have. Regardless of your own experience level, be prepared to start at the very beginning with simple, non-intimidating toys.

    Lovehoney Tease Me Soft Satin Blackout Blindfold

    Most people are put off the idea of bondage because they've heard it involves pain, or they're worried they'll be completely helpless. This is why it's important to have a conversation about what sensory play is and safety words.

    Fear and apprehension is usually bred from a lack of knowledge. Help your partner to understand the truth about bondage fun, whether that be by learning together, teaching them what you know, or shopping together online.

    For first-time bondage, I'd recommend a blindfold, feather tickler or massage candle as a great starting point.

    Chances are, if you're talking about BDSM you've already explored sensual massage, so taking this next step of wearing a blindfold during massage is an exciting and non-intimidating way to begin. Plus, as most people have worn an eye mask to bed at some point, a blindfold is a familiar, non-scary thing to try.

    When it comes to feather ticklers, well let's just say I'd like to see someone try to inflict pain with one!

    "My partner and I have experimented with restraints and a blindfold. How do we take the next step and begin impact play?"

    If you've already mastered the art of light restraint and sensory deprivation, the next step is to see what you can do with your submissive playmate (sub) while they're tied up. When you begin your journey through impact play (aka spanking), I'd recommend keeping things simple, and spanking with just the palm of your hand to begin with.

    Successful spanking is less about how you hit, and more about where you hit. When you spank your lover, it's important you aim for their 'sweet spots', such as across the buttocks, backs of thighs and, in particular, the 'thutt' (where the thigh meets the butt!).

    Spanking in this area is not only safest, but also cushions the spank to make it more comfortable for both of you. When you catch that special 'thutt spot', vibrations from each impact carry through to the genitals too for extra thrills. Start with light finger taps, and move onto sharper full-palm spanks to test your boundaries.

    Bondage Boutique Beginners Rope Flogger

    When you want to introduce spanking tools to your play, I'd suggest starting with a beginner's flogger or a dual-sided paddle.

    Paddles work as an extension of your arm, and enable the dominant partner (Dom) to spank for longer without getting a sore hand. A 2-sided design gives you versatility of strokes, taps and slaps to keep play fun and exciting.

    Beginner's floggers are great for upping the tempo because they feel amazing to wield and receive. Being a 'proper whip', a flogger enhances feelings of authority in the Dom, while numerous fronds spread out sensations for the sub.

    A toy that looks much scarier than it actually is, tickle your lover's skin with just the tips of each frond, and move onto gentle-to-hard whips when you're both ready.

    "Bondage seems wrong to me. My wife says she wants me to dominate her, but I can't get over thinking of it as abuse. How can I get over my fears and please her, and me in the process?"

    The thing to remember about sexual domination is that it's not all about pain and punishment. Dominating your partner in the bedroom can be anything from telling her what position you want her in, holding her hands above her head during romantic lovemaking or telling her when she's allowed to climax. It doesn't have to involve restraints and spanking if you don't want it to.

    When done properly, dominating your partner is much more about working together, than it is about actual discipline. You may have heard (and read earlier in this blog) about the importance of having a safety word during power play. This is a crucial part of Dom/sub activity for more than just the obvious reasons; it actually puts the sub in control.

    Fifty Shades of Grey Relentless Vibrations Rechargeable Remote Control Egg

    Think about it this way: even though you, as the Dom, might be taking charge of a given situation, in reality your sub only has to utter one word for everything to stop. Having a safe word isn't just for your sub's protection, but by it not being used, it tells the Dom that everything they're doing is consensual and being enjoyed.

    To get over your fears, talk to your wife about what it is she likes about the idea of being dominated, and how she'd like you to do it. We all blow things out of proportion in our own minds, and what she wants from you probably isn't half as intimidating as you think!

    I'd suggest starting things slowly with a remote control love egg. It's a great toy for getting you used to being in control (literally) without being as unfamiliar as a spanking paddle or set of restraints.

    Remember also that 'abuse' is defined by the "improper treatment of an entity, usually for sole benefit, without consent". When your wife is asking you to dominate her, she's asking you to join her on what she thinks will be a shared, pleasurable experience and she's giving you her consent, which immediately negates any risk of it being classified as abuse.

    (Some people would say that being repeatedly stabbed with a needle is abuse, but I consent to it all the time - just look at my pin-cushion face!)


    So that's the first instalment of our BDSM FAQs blog. Tell us what you thought in the comments below and don't forget to send us your bondage questions for next month's blog.

    Got a burning question that just can't wait? Visit our Buyer's Guides to discover the answers to even more commonly asked queries, questions and conundrums, or Contact Us and speak to one of our experienced advisors at any time of day or night.

    Beginners Guide to Bondage

    Comments (8)

    • JM88: July 17, 2015 20:55
      What a great idea! Loved reading through it and i bet it helps a fair few people out.
    • Classy lass: July 18, 2015 15:27
      That's a fantastic read Jess, hopefully alot of worriers about BDSM will be reassured reading your article <3
    • Dave: July 18, 2015 19:43
      It's better the other way Iol I wish.
    • HE: July 19, 2015 19:16
      Very good idea for a blog Jess! I have a question, how do you balance bondage-sex and vanilla sex? I find that using cuffs, a tickler, a blindfold, yes these are all amazing!! But it's nice just to have cuddly, slow, romantic sex once in a while too! So how would you balance vanilla sex, and bondage-inspired sex? And also, how do you find out which your OH likes best? Thanks Jess!
    • pinkanimal: July 20, 2015 11:44
      Lovely write up Jess. Really informative.
      HE - We don't have bondage sex all the time. Sometimes we just have vanilla. But the times we do have bondage sex its explosive!
    • Lovehoney Jess: July 23, 2015 13:52
      Thanks for your comments, questions and feedback everyone, I'm so glad you found it informative / interesting.

      Keep your eyes peeled for the second instalment next month!

      J

    • Classy lass: July 23, 2015 14:44
      I can't wait for the next installment. It was extremely informative, interesting and a great read especially as we're just getting started with BDSM and loving it. So thanks Jess :)
    • Sam: September 27, 2015 10:22
      Fantastic read ... exactly the type of thing I was looking for to show my partner
    Add a comment
    1. Yes, please! Email me when there are more comments after mine
    2. We need to ask you a question to prove you're a human because evil spam computers keep abusing our form!