• The 10 Weirdest Places To Stick A Dildo

    Hella
    by Hella on 02 March 2012 2 comments  |  Add a comment

    Dildos. You'd think they're a pretty straight-up sex toy, right? Well, apply a little imagination to any sex toy and the list of ways in which it can be used will soon run as long as your arm.

    In the case of these dildos, though, perhaps the design was better than the reality, with most of these bizarre dildos consigned to the history books (but not the leg dildo or sword dildo - hoorah!)

    Read on to discover the joys of the chin, chest, chair and cushion dildo, the truly bizarre gas mask dildo and many more...


    1. Pogo Stick Dildo

    Boing! Boing! The Jack Hammer Johnson may look like a nightmarish device that’s violating your nostalgic innocence, but the design was never meant to have folk bouncing down the street while simultaneously shafting themselves.

    The spring-loaded base was designed to be pushed against the floor or a wall, allowing you to bounce the dildo up and down by pushing on the handle at the top of the stick. A brilliant idea in theory, but in practice the mechanism was awkward and difficult to manage. The spring was just too stiff (oo er), requiring more force than most users enjoyed. RIP Jack Hammer Johnson, your place in sex toy history will not be forgotten.

    2. Sex Ball Dildo

    A dildo with balls isn't unusual, but this one has a whopping giant ball that's 20 times bigger than the phallus. It's a bizarre amalgamation of exercise and masturbation, inviting you to partake in standard Pilates exercises and a jolly good rogering in unison. After all, the busy 21st-century worker doesn’t have time to do both separately!

    Sex exercises are only to be encouraged but there are definitely better ways to enjoy a horny workout than struggling to maintain your balance on a bizarre space hopper with a cock attached.

    3. Leg Dildo

    This one had me scratching my head. What are the benefits of mounting a dildo on one’s thigh? It’s right by the crotch, but not close enough for genital contact between the wearer and their partner, it seems a little... redundant. After much deliberation (and a lot of reading up) I came up with a few answers:

    1. Extra stimulation during a lapdance. The receiver gets maximum visual stimulation from her sexy dance and she gets an opportunity to rev her engines too.
    2. It’s an alternative strap-on harness that provides face-to-face lovemaking for lesbian couples who don’t like the she-male look a strap-on dildo provides.
    3. A face-to-face lovemaking aid for those suffering from erectile dysfunction or a disability which prevents regular lovemaking.

    It’s definitely a niche product, but it certainly has its uses. Doesn’t look half bad, either.

    4. Chin Dildo

    It’s like a kinky unicorn in reverse! As hilarious as this might look, the chin dildo is actually a well-respected tool in the kit of cunnilingus connoisseurs. The chin dildo provides an excellent way to simultaneously offer stimulation from the tongue while penetrating the vagina, just nod your head up and down as you concentrate your tongue on the clitoris.

    As practical as it is, the chin dildo will always look ridiculous. It’s therefore no surprise that most people will be sticking with their handheld dildo or vibrator when going down on their ladies.

    5. Chair Dildo

    Are you sitting comfortably? Introducing the chair dildo: not quite as advanced as a sex machine, not as anatomical as a sex doll, but more discreet than both.

    The main problem with the chair dildo is the fact that pretty much any dildo with a suction base will do you just fine for hands-free fun - just whack it on the seat. This chair dildo is designed to strap onto sofas or under chairs with cushion pads, allowing you to enjoy some action with your favourite lounge furniture. Just watch the upholstery, yeah?

    Unfortunately the market just wasn't there, seeing as most people have a dining chair (or toilet, at a push).

    6. Chest Dildo

    What were we thinking? Sometimes even the most expert sex toy buyers get it wrong.

    I can only guess this is one for voyeurs who really like watching extreme-close-up vagina/ass action.

    You could try mounting it high on the chest to attempt oral, but it’s likely to give you a crick in the neck and your partner a lot of frustration. Stick with a chin dildo.

    7. Gas Mask Dildo

    The first gas mask dildo was created as a kinky breath control device. Usually, a gas mask dildo is filled with breathable airholes that are blocked as soon as the dildo is inserted, restricting airflow and giving the wearer a dizzying high. Heady stuff.

    Unfortunately this copy we got our mits on didn’t have any airholes in it, making it very difficult to wear and not very functional. The pleasure was to be found in the ridiculous appearance it gives your partner and in focusing on the sensation while blanking out the aforementioned visual.

    Marilyn Manson’s right, it DOES make you look like an elephant.

    8. Sword Dildo

    En garde, you sausage smuggler, I’ll shaft you with my pork sword!

    The Manrammer is pure jokes, but it’s also a penetration sensation. Probably designed for giggles, this realistic dildo has been given the look of a sword with a whacking-great concertina handle. What it provides in practice is a great grip, suspension and excellent control over the mammoth 9.5-inch long, 6-inch in girth fake willy on the end.

    In fact, the design was so successful that you’ll find several homages to the original design from other sex toy companies. For another example of a novelty sex product making real-life waves, check out Baconlube.

    9. Foot Dildo

    Heeldo Foot Dildo

    Heel, boy! I know what you’re thinking, this has to be some sort of foot fetish device for S&M play? Well, yes, but this clever strap-on harness also has much more vanilla uses up its sock.

    The Heeldo allows you to mount your favourite dildos on either your heel or the underside of your foot for hands-free penetration.

    Even if the way it works isn’t immediately obvious from the (frankly hilarious) images, there are a few neat tricks you can perform while wearing this sock cock. Why not try:

    • Using the foot dildo and leaving your hands free to play with a bullet vibrator or other parts of your body.
    • Enjoying the foot dildo in a kneeling position, while lavishing oral loving on your other half.
    • Giving your partner the pegging of a lifetime while you’re enjoying doggie-style sex.

    10. Cushion Dildo (Part I)

    Does your partner like a bit of romance? Do they like hands-free shafting? Then this shiny red PVC heart cushion with added cock is the ideal gift!

    Although it looks a bit ri-dick-ulous, it’s actually pretty effective. The cushion fits perfectly beneath the body for a comfortable, raised platform and the wipe clean surface is very lube friendly. Maybe don’t leave this one out on the sofa when the family pop over.

    Cushion Dildo (Part II)

    In case you often end up rowing with your partner over who gets to use the shiny new dildo cushion next, you might want to make sure the pleasure is equally shared.

    You could buy two shiny heart willy pillows OR you could opt for this super-special-double-dong version. Twice the cock, twice the fun and twice the weirdness. This pillow has two 7-inch dildos positioned perfectly to allow you face-to-face, back-to-back or spooning fun in unison. It might not be cute or heart shaped but it should put an end to sex toy wars in the bedroom.

    Comments (2)

    • bobbie: March 19, 2014 20:23
      oh yes love to try them all.
    • bobbie: March 19, 2014 20:30
      oh yes love to try them all.
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