• We don't have sex often and I worry that if we get married, I'll be unhappy in a sexless marriage.

    We don't have sex often and I worry that if we get married, I'll be unhappy in a sexless marriage.

    It’s always tricky dealing with mismatched libidos. If you have a low sex drive and your partner is the opposite, you may feel pestered to have sex when you aren’t in the mood, whereas he feels rejected.


    Question for Julie

    My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 years, we're both in our 30s and are considering getting married, but we have little to no sex life. We do love each other her very much and we are very close and comfortable with each other physically and otherwise. She's also had very few partners. We nearly always sleep close and naked together, but we rarely ever have sex. If we do, however gentle I am she says it's uncomfortable. Lube and clitoral stimulation do help. Pretty much the only time she gets turned on is when I'm sleeping, which is when she plays with me, but even this isn't very often. I'm worried our lack of sex life will cause probems later in our lives as I do have a high sex drive, but I've just put it on hold all these years because I love her.

    Julie Answers...

    You’re absolutely right that sex isn’t the be-all and end-all in a loving relationship; emotional intimacy and friendship are important mainstays too. What this comes down to are the differing needs of both you and your girlfriend – and your ability to reach a happy compromise together.

    Your girlfriend’s sexual discomfort is something she should get checked with a doctor, to investigate why she finds sex with you uncomfortable, but meanwhile you’re doing the right thing using lube and lots of clitoral stimulation. Her wandering hands at night are intriguing – I wonder if she may have an issue with control? Are you the primary instigator of sexual activity with your girlfriend? Whether intentional or not, your girlfriend might feel sexual guilt or pressure, both of which are a turn-off, often resulting in a complete withdrawal from sex.

    It’s always tricky dealing with mismatched libidos. If you have a low sex drive and your partner is the opposite, you may feel pestered to have sex when you aren’t in the mood, whereas he feels rejected. And if each of you feels like your needs aren’t being met or understood, there’s a danger that this could start to sour a happy relationship.

    It might be time to place your balls in her court. Tell her your concerns, then let her make the next move. It’s crucial that you both sit down and discuss your sexual needs frankly and honestly – you need to find a middle ground where you can both be happy before you make the commitment of marriage.


    The Greatest Guide to SexRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Guide to Sexexplores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

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