• I've not had any sexual contact whatsoever with my husband for over 3 years. What can we do?

    I've not had any sexual contact whatsoever with my husband for over 3 years. What can we do?

    It’s difficult to know what advice to give, apart from explaining to him how desperate this is making you feel – not just desperate that you’re missing out on the intimacy and fun that sex can bring, but also desperate because your feelings are not being recognised. Perhaps you need to ask him what it will take for him to start taking this problem seriously?


    Question for Julie

    My husband and I have been married for 6 years. Sex has been a problem from about year one of dating, in fact it was only the first 6months that it was great.  My husband became depressed and started various medications that were held to blame for his lack of interest and performance which was understandable.  However several years on the problem never resolved. He did get some viagra which was unsuccessful, he did get offered counselling which he adamantly refused.

    I have now not had sex or any sexual contact whatsoever with my husband for 3 1/2 years. This does not appear to bother him as he has no urges whatsoever, I have and do however, he has never offered to show me any sexual affection and just doesnt seem able to.  It has become a subject very difficult to talk about now as he always keeps promising to sort it out but doesn't. I am very unhappy with this area of the marriage and it has affected our relationship in so many ways I'm not even sure I love him in the way I should. It feels more like I'm a friend and don't know what to do, please help.

    Julie Answers...

    Living in a sexless relationship can be miserable no matter how long you’ve been married, but for a couple who’ve been together for such a short period of time, it really must feel devastating.

    Let me start by saying that I admire your commitment to your husband – he must have lots of good qualities that have kept you together for this long. I think what bothers me most is his inability to face the problem and get it sorted out. Low sex drive can, and does, affect men – but it can be resolved. It seems such a waste that he’s refusing to take the help that’s been offered.

    It’s difficult to know what advice to give, apart from explaining to him how desperate this is making you feel – not just desperate that you’re missing out on the intimacy and fun that sex can bring, but also desperate because your feelings are not being recognised. Perhaps you need to ask him what it will take for him to start taking this problem seriously?

    Obviously so much of your happiness feels like it’s tied up with him, but one thing I would definitely advise is that you go and see a relationship counsellor on your own. It may be that doing this will make him realise how serious you are, but even if it doesn’t, it will at least give you the space you need and deserve to talk about your feelings.


    The Greatest Guide to SexRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Guide to Sexexplores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

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