How to Defeat Zombies Using Sex Toys
The trouble with zombies is that they come at night, and so do we. Most of our sexual thrills are had between the sheets before bedtime and many of us will encounter our first zombie while getting frisky with a partner or ourselves. Most inconvenient.
On the plus side, Lovehoney customers will have plenty of weapons within arm's reach to help them combat the brain-hungry Z army.
At Lovehoney we believe in providing the best possible sex advice for all occasions, so in order to keep you sexually happy during the inconvenience of the apocalypse and the collapse of society, I've tried and tested some of the best methods of defeating zombies using only sex toys by subjecting myself to the wrath of three very brain-hungry zombies. Eeeek!
Part 1: BZSM - Bondage, Zombies, Sadism and Masochism
Capturing a zombie in the name of science is one of the most noble things a person can do. Many will run, most will die but few will have the guts to capture their own zombie sub to ensure a cure is found. If you’re a fan of bondage then you have all the tools you need to selflessly capture a zombie, ensuring your survival and helping the boffins of the world prevent zombification becoming an all-consuming pandemic.
In order to capture your zombie you’ll need to incapacitate it without destroying the brain. Your aim is to get your zombie in a position that allows you to restrain it without you being in harm's way. For this I recommend a large, blunt object that’s capable of knocking a zombie over. What you need is a nice big dildo or male masturbator. Double-ended dildos, large realistic sex doll parts and over-sized dildos make the most effective weapons. Aim to hit the zombie firmly across the face to send them off balance.
Once they’re floored you can use your bondage gear to restrain your undead intruder. Ropes can take a little too long to faff with in an emergency, so I recommend you opt for a pair of lockable cuffs. Metal handcuffs are the best form of restraint for BZSM as they lock quickly and easily without the need for fiddly padlocks. Once your zombie is cuffed, you can fit a ball gag to prevent any ankle biting or projectile virus transmission. Opt for your biggest, most solid ball gag to ensure the zombie doesn’t bite through it and for goodness’ sake, ensure you keep your fingers well clear of its chops.
Kill 'em with:
Part 2: Appetite for Distraction
Zombies will only break into a home where they suspect there are brains, they are not petty thieves and have little interest in your interior design skills. This means if a zombie has broken into your house, it knows you are in there somewhere.
As zombies are notoriously slow moving you have time to create a decoy that will allow you to escape, so reach for a blow-up sex doll, some bondage rope and a bottle of pheromone spray. Inflate your blow-up doll and use bondage rope to suspend it from a door, mirror or curtain rail, leaving it to swing. Hanging the doll near an open window will help keep it moving. Add a spritz of pheromone spray to draw the zombies via their acute sense of smell. To attract the zombies, pop the radio on so that they’re drawn to your doll and retreat to a safe distance. Wait for the zombie to besiege your doll and then quietly make your escape.
Kill 'em with:
Part 3: It's a Trap
If you’ve got time, you can set a trap for your zombie assailant. Slick hardwood floors with silicone lube and guide your zombie toward the puddle by using yourself as living bait.
Once the zombie slides over in the silicone slick, it’ll have a hard time getting back up, leaving you free to take action. Don’t be stingy with the lube, more is always better.
You can either try to restrain your fallen zombie or you can use something nearby to brain the sucker. Be careful that you don’t slip over into the jaws of your lubey zombie as the only thing worse than becoming one of the undead is becoming one of the undead with zero mobility.
Kill 'em with:
Part 4: Trail of the Dead
Sexy body parts are ideal for sexual satisfaction but are also the perfect zombie deterrent. Even zombie logic can grasp that a home littered with body parts has no brains left to feast on.
Draw the zombies away from your homestead by leaving a trail of table top sex dolls and large male masturbators leading from your front door to part way down your street. Passing zombies will see the trail of realistic look and feel toys and will move onto your neighbour’s homes, leaving you to enjoy the apocalypse and nice cup of tea in comfort.
Kill 'em with:
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