• How to Be a Submissive Lover

    How to Be a Submissive Lover

    Just like domination, submission also carries its stigmas and clichés that would have us believe all manners of mythical nonsense. Being atypically dominant, writing this piece did not come naturally to me. I've had very little experience in submitting to a lover and I wanted to seek out further information to assist me. I was staggered upon conducting my research to find that there is a distinct lack of information on the subject. I could regale you with tales of those who submit to professional dominants, give you insight into lifestyle submission and shock you with extreme pornographic episodes. But even with the wealth of knowledge open to the public domain online, I could barely find a useful sentiment on purely sexual submission.

    I'm not ashamed to admit that I have submissive sexual desires, but in no way do these desires resemble the extreme portrayals I've stumbled across researching this piece. I don't want to confuse what is in essence an achievable sexual fantasy with a much deeper and more involved form of submission that I've come across in my time as a professional dominatrix. Although the two can be intrinsically bound for those who crave sexual submission, the majority of us are seeking nothing more than some between-the-sheets action with little or no desire for it to infringe on our day-to-day lives.


    Accepting Submissiveness

    Submissiveness is often a desire that manifests itself subconsciously. Many submissive lovers report having experienced erotic dreams in which they were being dominated and then built upon these dreams during their waking hours making the desire to experience them greater. Others may find their path with a lover who makes them feel submissive or even takes a noticeably dominant stance with them in the bedroom. Sometimes a lover can approach you with a desire to dominate which can spark your interest. Perhaps you've never had any of these, but something inside you longs for your lover to throw you against the wall and have their way with you. Regardless of the root cause, your desires are not abnormal and are no cause for concern if they aren't interfering with your day-to-day life.

    What is a 'Submissive Lover'?

    The position of the 'submissive lover' is one of trust and learning, of giving away the reins to your mind and body and allowing your lover to take them fully. Your experiences will depend entirely on your partner and how they choose to embrace your submissiveness, but this isn't to say that you will cease to have a voice. A submissive lover should always expect a level of balance and to be able to guide sex within the boundaries of their own desires without pressure to exceed them.

    Many people with sexually submissive desires have concerns about the effect it may have on their day-to-day living. By allowing the reins to be taken, will they somehow lose their dominance in other aspects of their lives? Will it effect their ability to assert dominance in a working role or a paternal/maternal role?

    The answer in short is no, not unless you're looking for a complete lifestyle change and seek to implement one. We have a conscious choice to act and by submitting to your lover in the bedroom, you will not find this choice has been invalidated. It is in fact incredibly common for confident and socially dominant individuals to act on their sexually submissive fantasies. Just ask anyone who has worked as a professional dominant, many of their clients are experienced professionals managing multiple departments or directing their own companies. For many, sexual submission is an alleviation from the pressures of being in command on a day-to-day basis and if a lifestyler can avoid his or her kinks crossing over into their professional (and in some cases family) life, there is no reason that your submissive activities should interfere with yours.

    The Issue of Trust

    Submissive lovers can often be tentative about their fantasies because of trust issues. These often begin prior to the subject of submission ever being raised. Will he laugh at me? Will she think I'm weird? You might feel that these are valid concerns, but you are equally exercising a lack of trust in your partner which is a big no-no when it comes to submission. It's true enough that most of our fears are unfounded and an element of shame is most likely the root cause of your worry.

    If you're having trouble with reconciling your desire to be submissive with your trust in your partner, it may be beneficial to establish a stronger sexual bond with your lover before experimenting. After all, if you are harbouring mistrust for your lover, then handing over the reins sexually could leave you feeling dissatisfied and emotionally violated. A lot of first time submissive lovers can be left with a feeling of being 'used' which doesn't resemble the erotic experiences they've been yearning for. It is important to make an emotional connection before, during and after submissive sex to avoid these kinds of feeling and to establish or re-establish a good level of trust before engaging in submissive sexual acts or things can sour quite swiftly.

    Expressing Your Submissiveness

    Opening up to your lover about your fantasies can be difficult to do if you're reserved about what their reaction might be. Similar to trying bedroom bondage, it can be easier for someone with submissive inclinations to introduce an element of roleplay to their love life instead of diving straight into submissive sex. Games such as Monogamy and Nookii incorporate heavily one-sided acts, with partners taking it in turns to follow the instructions on the playing cards to sexually tease one another. These give you a chance to experiment with your submissiveness without having to openly have a conversation about it.

    If you enjoy the taster, then play on it some more. The next time you and your lover get steamy, you can slip into your dirty talk how good it felt to be at their mercy and how sexy they are when they're in charge. Referencing the game itself and the acts you engaged in where you felt particularly submissive can be a simple way of expanding your play using a tried and tested way of getting you both going.

    If your partner doesn't appear to be keen on the idea of dominating you, a little reverse psychology doesn't go amiss. Tease and denial is just as effective a game for the submissive lover to play with a dominant lover. By bringing your lover to the edge of orgasm over and over will make them so sexually frustrated that they'll have little choice but to go with the primal instinct to hold you down and finish the job. Make sure your lover knows how pleased you are when they finally take control of you and your sexual activity, the climax is likely to be so intense for them that they won't be adverse to playing this game again, as long as they're aware that you're enjoying it too.

    Submissiveness and Bondage Don't Always Go Together

    When exploring submissive acts that tick your boxes, you won't get far before bondage is introduced to the mix. It's an easy way for lovers to both dominate and submit as it does almost all of the work for you. By being restrained, you immediately become helpless, enhancing your feelings of submissiveness which in turn helps your partner to feel more dominant and commanding.

    Many couples make the mistake of thinking that domination and submission ends with restraint, but it is not uncommon for submissive lovers to dislike or even shun bondage in the bedroom. If when you move onto restraint you decide it isn't for you, there are plenty of other submissive games you can play, so don't feel like you can't continue to experiment.

    A Submissive Lover is Not a Sex Slave

    By taking a sexually submissive role, you are not giving your lover carte blanche to use you in any way they see fit. There are sexual games which focus around one partner being at the beck and call of the other, but these are usually short-lived scenarios. There are couples that choose to live in a 24/7 dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, but just because you have identified submissive desires within yourself, it does not mean that this is where your relationship is heading.

    If you feel like your partner is taking advantage of your submissiveness by making you clean the whole house, pull up the weeds, defrost the freezer and walk the dog before you get yours, then feel free to tell them where to shove it. You get to set the boundaries of your sexual play just as much as they do, submissive or not and if you're unhappy with any part of play then raising the issue is a must. Your relationship may develop into a 24/7 D/s arrangement, but it won't be without you wanting the same.

    On a side note, it's worth remembering that sex slave games are incredible fun and can really heighten your experiences. Being made to sing for your supper can be an arousing act, if you're supervised in the right ways, so don't fly off the handle immediately if your partner suggest this as a roleplaying game.

    Comments (2)

    • sumisa madrid: July 09, 2011 04:29
      I still enjoy being the dom on occasion...it can be very sexy to put someone into your control, too.

      http://www.sumisamadrid.com

    • DonGreen: January 10, 2015 13:18
      I want to know more
    Add a comment
    1. Yes, please! Email me when there are more comments after mine
    2. We need to ask you a question to prove you're a human because evil spam computers keep abusing our form!