• Foreplay is out of the question - my wife only wants penetration. Please help!

    Foreplay is out of the question - my wife only wants penetration. Please help!

    You don’t say whether it’s a new problem. If she’s always been like this, it may be because of some misplaced ideas about sex.


    Question for JulieQuestion:

    My wife and I have been together ten years and we have three young children. Our relationship is excellent and our sex life (bearing in mind the kids) is as frequent as we would like BUT one aspect is driving me to distraction.

    My wife finds any sort of foreplay towards her boring/irritating and annoying. Basically we just fuck. We never kiss, she insists her nipples are not an erogenous zone, and she finds cunnilingus or any type of genital stimulation boring. She just wants penetration... and yes she climaxes most times this way.

    What makes it worse is she refuses to discuss this at all. She is like the stereotypical man! She is always willing to touch me in any way but her body is verboten.

    The lack of sexual intimacy during intercourse leaves me emotionally cynical and I feel like a dog. One night stands (which is what it feels like) have never been my bag.

    I am seriously at a loss about what to do.

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    You express your feelings very clearly in your letter, but I wonder if you’ve explained this fully to your wife? You don’t say whether it’s a new problem. If she’s always been like this, it may be because of some misplaced ideas about sex, in which case I think she would be unlikely to change her position – unless she herself really wanted to.

    But if her attitude is a recent development, then there could be a number of possible reasons, which you obviously need to find out, so you can both do something about it. I know you say she refuses to discuss it, but you need to find a way - you describe your relationship as ‘excellent’, so if she knows how deeply unhappy this is making you, she will care enough to talk.

    Be quite open about how incomplete you’re feeling, and just how much it would mean to you (and therefore to the relationship) to share more sexual intimacy. Rather than challenge her, try asking for her help - and instead of confronting her with the things she won’t allow, perhaps frame it in terms of how you want your lovemaking to be more two-way, and to be able to enjoy the closeness and intimacy that goes with that.

    Whatever the reason, it sounds as though she doesn’t want to lose control or make herself vulnerable with you, so you’ll need to tread carefully and gain her trust. It may come as a relief to your wife if you can enable her to let her guard down. It might be something as mundane as being permanently exhausted from looking after three children that’s making her hold back, or it could be something more serious.

    Either way, you’ll only find out if you talk.

    Good luck.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (6)

    • ditto: August 12, 2010 09:29
      She might just be telling the truth! Sucking my nipples does nothing for me either - you can spend as many hours as you like there but don't expect me to be turned on after it and the same goes for oral...it just does nothing for me unless you're prepared to be there hours and by the time you've finished you'll have lock jaw lol Just because these things are good for most women it doesn't mean it's good for all. She is probably being honest with you so please just accept it and find other things if you want foreplay. She will have an area that will hit the spot - my back is the place to be, you just need to be patient! Maybe after a stressful day give here a massage and follow her signals to find the right spots!
    • Emma: August 12, 2010 10:08
      Even though he says she won't discuss it I think he needs to keep trying. If she has always been this way perhaps it's due to a previous bad relationship/experience possibly even abuse with someone else before they met and she requires some form of counselling however if it's more recent it could be related to self confidence issues, stress, tiredness or something along those lines.

      I'd personally recommend trying something romantic, making her feel special and appreciated, maybe get someone to have the kids for a weekend and go away to wine and dine her and try to introduce some relaxation, maybe even book into a spa then in the evening try one candles, massage etc and caressing. Ensure she know how much she means to you and perhaps when she has unwinded she will open up and discuss things more easily x

    • Michelle: August 12, 2010 11:11
      Make her feel special, spoil her, maybe then she might be bit more happier. Romance is my advise. Always makes me feel special. X
    • Megan: August 12, 2010 11:33
      Good advice em! And remembering to start small, a saucy txt, a back rub etc are all foreplay too x
    • Billie: August 20, 2010 00:52
      i know its irritating but give her a break she might be tired i mean kids are hard work not that i got any but got a big family and after being round there kids after an hour is hard work let alone 24/7, a backrub is always a good idea and also you have to relise she has had kids maybe she is not as comfortable with her body anymore. i would say keep trying but start it whilst haveing sex if you play with her clit whilst having sex it might make her enjoy it more then maybe pull out and give her a little oral then go back in!
    • Lanita: October 15, 2010 13:21
      I know this is from August, so I hope you still get this message.
      If this is something that has recently started, it could be that she is not feeling entirely happy with her body after having 3 kids. Just remember that bits may not look or feel the same after pushing out a few 6/7 pounders. My apologies for being a bit explicit, but as other women who have been through the experience will know what I'm talking about. Also your body is never the same again and she may be a bit scared that you will not find her attractive or sexy.
      So basically I would probably start softening her up a few weeks by some cuddles & loving words, later maybe adding in a passionate kiss, let her know how much you love her, appreciate her & how happy you are that she is the mother of your wonderful children. Then get in a lovely foot massage. All this to soften her up for the big night.
      I would then go with what Ditto said about a sensual back massage & follow her signals.
      I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to her about it, but I think if she is feeling a bit insecure in herself, she may not want to let you know as she would then be highlighting all her so called bad points and wouldn't want to change how you see her.
      I've tried as hard as I could to explain what I think. I really hope you understand & also hope this helps.
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