• My wife says she has a low sex drive but we bought a vibe and now she uses it on her own Help!

    My wife says she has a low sex drive but we bought a vibe and now she uses it on her own Help!

    This is a bit of a ‘Moral Maze’ dilemma - there’s no easy way round it. I wonder how you’ve found out - and if you’re 100% sure?


    Question for JulieQuestion:

    My wife of 20 years has always claimed to have a very low sex drive. Recently we purchased a small vibrator for use in our lovemaking.

    She enjoyed me using it but became very prudish when I suggested she hold it. "No," she said, "I could not do that." She was emphatic, she would not under any circumstances do that.

    Then I find that she has been using it on her own. I feel cheated, she does not know yet that I know she has been using it. But our sex life has gone from seldom to extremely rare - this from before I found out she was using it herself.

    I am so frustrated and quite angry. What should I do or say.

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    This is a bit of a ‘Moral Maze’ dilemma - there’s no easy way round it. I wonder how you’ve found out - and if you’re 100% sure? Unless you are, don’t refer to your suspicions. If you’ve had to rummage through what she would consider private areas, then you have to weigh up whether it’s worth revealing anyway, as it will seem a bit disloyal.

    If she has been using it, then it’s certainly boosted her interest in sex, as you intended - it’s just that you need to retain a love life together, as well! Make sure you’re clear in your own mind how you feel.

    It’s quite normal for partners in a relationship to still enjoy some solo fun; it helps us stay in touch with our own sexual responses, which can then enhance our lovemaking with our partner.

    You obviously need to have a talk, so choose a relaxed moment to tell her how you feel. It’s important, however you broach it, to try and make it positive. She’s obviously someone who already feels some guilt about touching herself, so she may be beating herself up about it - don’t make her feel any worse.

    Be sincere: make it clear that you really fancy her, and want to enjoy a sex life together. You know her well, so you’ll know how best to put it. I can understand your feelings of anger and frustration, but I think it may be productive to put them on one side and see if you can relight the fire together - perhaps without even revealing your detective work.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (2)

    • GypsyCurl: July 23, 2010 12:48
      Have you tried the vibrating love rings? I find if a man wears it you yourself become the vibrator. Perhaps introducing one during foreplay may entice her into love making again. Also I find women can be shy about things like masturbation infront of a lover no matter how long you have been together, perhaps blindfolding her and gently moving her hand down to the vibrator while you are already using it with her may help her relax a bit more. xx
    • Lucyfer: July 24, 2010 14:09
      I wonder if perhaps it's a confidence thing, that she feels embarrassed with you watching her or using it on her. Or maybe when you bought it she didn't think she would like using it.

      If you wanted to broach the subject, there is perhaps no need to tell her that you suspect/know she has been using it. Perhaps you could work a conversation around to mentioning the use of toys again, ask her if she would like to get something that she fancies trying. If she then suggests the one that you already bought, excellent. If not, Plan B.

      It's a hard one for me to answer because i am in the 'loves toys' camp but it was my boyfriend who first gave me one to try. Lucky girls we are ;)

      Good luck, and remember, nothing was ever resolved by avoidance :) Always best to talk about it

      Lucyfer

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