My girlfriend is pregnant and doesn't want sex. I don't know what's going on. What can I do?
Being pregnant may not make her feel very sexy - some women do, some don’t - but I wonder whether you’re making her feel special?
My girlfriend and I have been having trouble for the last year regarding sex. At the moment she is pregnant and I understand why she rarely would want it. However, the fact it has gotten on top of the last year is really making things more difficult.
Quite simply her sex drive isn't what it used to be, she doesn't seem interested in sex at all anymore. She says she is but says she just doesn't get that hormonal, turned on feeling that much these days. I've tried backing off, trying to help - we've bought novelties and tried suggesting counselling (as we thought it may have been due to a few past issues).
However, she isnt making an effort to do them, she just keeps putting it off. I feel like I either have to wait around for her to turn round and say it's because she's not attracted to me. I don't want to leave her - I love her so much and I adore her but I hate feeling like I'm in a one-sided relationship where I'm attracted to her but she doesn't feel the same way about me.
We're both in our twenties so it's not as if our sex drives should biologically be lower. Can you help?
I do sympathize - with you both. You don’t say whether the pregnancy was something you both wanted. If you didn’t, then there’s a chance that she’s come to associate sex with the position she now finds herself in, which may make her feel negatively about it.
And even if the pregnancy was planned, she may still associate sex with trying to get pregnant, which could also affect her attitude to it. You’re right, at this moment being pregnant may not make her feel very sexy - some women do, some don’t - but I wonder whether you’re making her feel special? It sounds as though you’re both waiting for that turned-on feeling to come along, rather than trying to promote it.
Why not put the endgame of having sex to one side for the moment, and concentrate on really appreciating her and her body - without any ulterior motive. Being pregnant can be very tiring; why not offer to give her a relaxing massage? Just physical touch without any sexual motive on your part can be really enjoyable, and make the two of you feel more connected.
You’ve explained to me exactly how you feel, and that you wonder whether she still finds you attractive, etc. but have you told her? I think you should explain your feelings and fears and see what she says.
Remember, she’s adjusting to the biggest change a woman can experience, so you’ve got to think about her too. Talk to each other and tell each other how you’ve been feeling, what’s worrying you, etc.
Don’t ‘guilt trip’ her into having sex. Even if she doesn’t want sex with you, she can hopefully give you the reassurance that she still finds you attractive and wants to be with you. I’m surprised that you’d even consider throwing in the towel so readily, and leaving when she’s pregnant, just because of her current feelings about lovemaking.
How sure are you of your own commitment? You mention counselling, and ‘past issues’, but again it sounds as though you think this is something she needs to ‘go and do’. I think it’s a great idea, but you need to go together. Fix it up and make a commitment to go.
Explain to her that it’s because you love her and the relationship matters so much to you. One thing’s for sure, it’ll be easier to make it to sessions during the pregnancy than it will be when the baby’s arrived, so point this out to your GP or counsellor and arrange to start as soon as possible.
If your girlfriend knows that you want to do this because you value her and the relationship, and that you’re prepared to make the commitment, then I think she will do the same. If she’s not prepared to, then I would question whether she really wants it to work out the way you do.
This is about more than how often you have sex; it’s about the closeness, trust and level of commitment between you. And it sounds as though there are a few things you need to sort out whilst there is still the time and space to do it - and only the two of you to think about!
Refreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.