We've been married for 25 years but only had sex twice in the last eight years. What can I do?
This situation must be incredibly frustrating - and not just sexually. It sounds as though you’re being very patient - perhaps a little too patient.
I'm a 66 year-old man married to a 50 year-old woman. We have been married for 25 years, but met and started together 33 years ago. In the past eight years we've only had sex twice.
It seems that she doesn't want sex with me and therefore we argue a lot, not about sex, but about everything. I get very frustrated because I feel quite capable of having sex and feel I have a lot to give. The last time I had problems getting it up, but I guess the problem is in my head and if you don't use what you have, your capacity will deteriorate. What shall I do?
This situation must be incredibly frustrating - and not just sexually. It sounds as though you’re being very patient - perhaps a little too patient. Eight years is a long time not only to experience rejection from a partner, but also to remain in the dark about why. It doesn’t surprise me that this is now being reflected in a lot of arguments which will, of course, build more resentment.
You say you’re good for your years. Anyway, it’s quite normal for a man of 66 to retain a sexual appetite - and obviously most women of 50 still have an active interest. I think we can rule out menopause as being the reason for your wife not wanting sex, as this has been going on for eight years, so there must be another reason (or reasons).
As for your erection problem the last time you made love, that’s understandable - partly because it’s quite common in your sixties to find it more difficult getting or sustaining an erection, and also because after such a long wait, the pressure to perform becomes so great. But either way, it’s nothing that can’t be helped with patient lovemaking or possibly the advice of your GP.
But that can’t be addressed unless you have a love life! The main priority here is to know what’s going on. Otherwise, not only will the lack of sex continue, but so will the tension and resentment between you. Of course, you have to face the fact that if you ask for truthful answers, they may be painful - something you have to consider before you start.
They may involve anything from unresolved resentment over past issues (which can cause someone to withhold sex) to not fancying you any more, loss of confidence or libido on her part - or even an affair.
Decide that this is not going to be an argument, and above all, don’t blame or try to make her feel guilty. Choose a quiet time when you will be undisturbed. Sit down with your wife, explain to her that you need to find out why it’s gone wrong between you, because the situation is untenable as it is - not just for sexual reasons, but for your relationship.
Who wants to spend every day arguing? And make it an exchange - you can’t expect her to open up unless you do the same. Issues may come up that need addressing before the sex can be looked at. Keep an open mind, be sincere and honest.
If you can’t get it resolved yourselves, or it all gets too complicated, you may need to go to relationship counselling together. If both of you want to sustain this relationship, it’s worth it. Good luck.
Refreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.