• My partner and I love anal sex but recently it's been causing me discomfort. What can we do?

    My partner and I love anal sex but recently it's been causing me discomfort. What can we do?

    Even a tiny haemorrhoid or fissure can cause pain or discomfort, and trust me, doctors aren’t fazed at all by checking bottoms.


    Question for JulieQuestion:

    My partner and I love anal sex but every time we try recently it seems to cause me a lot of discomfort. It's not a pulling tearing pain, it's a stinging pain. At first we thought it might be the lube we used so we swapped but that didn't seem to change things, then we tried different condoms, but still an awful stinging sensation came through.

    It happens with anal sex and when we use toys but it only happens to me. Any tips on how I can actually enjoy anal without it making me want to cry?

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    First you must get yourself checked out by your GP, in case you have any damage around the anus. Even a tiny haemorrhoid or fissure can cause pain or discomfort, and trust me, doctors aren’t fazed at all by checking bottoms.

    You don’t even have to mention anal sex if you don’t want to; it’s perfectly possible that something could be uncomfortable just with ‘everyday use’! Having established that there’s nothing physically wrong, it could be that the pain is caused by not taking enough time building up to penetration.

    The sphincter muscles normally do the job of keeping the entrance tightly closed - for obvious reasons. So when you want them to relax and allow ‘two-way traffic’, you need a lot of massage around the area first, gradually progressing to gentle insertion of a finger - very slowly.

    It’s best to avoid pulling the finger right out, as the sphincter will close up, which is like starting again. Instead, once comfortable, it can be kept in, and gently moved around to allow your body to get used to it. If this is OK (and only if) another finger can be introduced, and gentle circular massage continued.

    But give this process plenty of time. Don’t copy what you may see in porn films where they go straight into anal penetration. This can be dangerous (not to mention inconsiderate) and extremely painful. As always, it’s a good idea to tell your partner what you’re enjoying and when you’re ready to continue.

    Remember there is excitement and stimulation for both partners without necessarily having to get to penetration. But if you feel sufficiently turned on and ready for more, he should slowly insert his lubricated penis, just partly to start with, keeping still and letting you decide if and when you want more.

    Even then, s-l-o-w is the keyword - not straight into vigorous thrusting. Again, he should avoid pulling right out, but instead move it gently inside you. But I can’t stress this enough, you must call the shots.

    Remember that unlike the vagina, the anus has no natural lubrication, so you’re right to give importance to lubricant - a good water-based one is ideal. But what people often forget is that it should be generously applied and re-applied during anal play - there’s no such thing as too much.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (2)

    • bridget: January 19, 2010 17:47
      i was an anal virgin but we went slowly like youd said amd it was fine. i did not have a problem so thank you for your advice
    • maisie: January 19, 2010 18:10
      Can't stress enough how important it is to go slowly as julie says. My bloke first tried it with me withouit warning and I nearly shot thru the roof!! It took a year to have the courage to tryagain but we went at snails pace and it was fine. Top tip use HANDFULS of lube!
    Add a comment
    1. Yes, please! Email me when there are more comments after mine
    2. We need to ask you a question to prove you're a human because evil spam computers keep abusing our form!