• My boyfriend and I are 19 but he believes in no sex before marriage. It's very difficult... help!

    My boyfriend and I are 19 but he believes in no sex before marriage. It's very difficult... help!

    You say his wish for no sex before marriage is part of his faith - which I assume you don’t belong to.


    Question for JulieQuestion:

    I have recently got together with this wonderful guy, we are both 19 and we are madly in love. But he has told me he believes in no sex before marriage. I have agreed to this policy as it is his beliefs, but it can be very difficult at times.

    I have purchased masturbation toys, and he is fine with it, but we are finding it extremely difficult to control ourselves when we are around each other. I know he wants to have sex, but I also know he strongly believes in his faith.

    I don't know what to do. Should I stick to the original plan of no sex at all, or should I go for it? I wouldn't be asking if I knew it wasn't what he wanted, but he has told me that he really wants to, but a part of him is against it. What should I do? I don't know how to support his feelings when they are mixed!

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    This sounds like a confusing situation for you, but I think if you can clear up the confusion, then things will become less difficult.

    You say his wish for no sex before marriage is part of his faith - which I assume you don’t belong to. That’s not necessarily a problem in itself, except that if you choose to have a relationship with someone of a strict faith and belief system, it means that the person can reasonably expect you to support them in whatever moral code they feel they must practise - e.g. celibacy before marriage.

    But it sounds as though you don’t fully understand exactly what it is he believes and why - and I’m not completely sure that he does either! If it is a religious thing, then there should be someone in his faith who he can talk to about this difficulty, and how to manage it. In any case, he owes it to you to explain it more fully, so you know where you stand. Only then can you make an informed decision about how to proceed.

    You need to think long and hard about this and other ways in which his beliefs could impact on your lives together - both now and in the future - and then decide whether that’s workable in the long run. One thing’s for sure - if you lead him astray from the path he feels he should be following, he’s going to feel very torn, and may resent you for it.

    I don’t find it so strange that he has mixed feelings on the issue; monks and priests will often (if they’re honest) talk about the struggle it can be maintaining celibacy, but they see that as part of the challenge they’ve taken on.

    You’ve each got to take responsibility for yourselves; decide what you each really want - and describe that to each other. If you decide you want to stick with it, I suggest you put your heads together and agree some ‘ground rules’. It sounds as though you really care for each other and want to give this a chance, so get talking!

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (2)

    • SS: October 14, 2009 15:25
      I dated a guy who was an evangelical christian. We were together for 2.5 years and he decided the time to tell me he didn't believe in sex before marriage was AFTER I removed his pants.

      Newsflash - if you are using toys and being naked around each other then this is against the typical christian belief of "staying pure". You're not very pure if somebody has had their hand/mouth around your penis!

      He needs to start challenging his beliefs and see WHY he believes these things. Otherwise - you need to get out because I suffered 2.5 years of frustration and it's not worth it!

      You're young and it's healthy and normal to have sex.

    • Mike: October 17, 2009 03:37
      Julie,

      I want to say I'm impressed with your answer to the young woman who is in a serious relationship with the young man that believes in waiting until marriage to have sex. I believe many advisors would be tempted to advise her to "stand up for your beliefs to have sex" or something similar, especially wherein it seems that the young man may be equivocating. Regarding this, I was somewhat unclear as to the young man's sexual involvement with her, as her description was a bit vague.

      The only part of your advice I would take slight issue with is your advice for him to "challenge" his beliefs, or the reasons for his beliefs. Maybe it's semantics but "challenge" to me implies a "prove it to me" attitude. I think "clarify" may be a better term, IMHO.

      I also believe that sexuality outside of marriage is wrong, but that sexuality within marriage is very very right . In fact it's actually a commandment! Yes, we like those commandments :-)

      You are very right about the resentment the young man will likely feel if the young woman "encourages" him over the edge. But this isn't just about avoiding a negative outcome. If she helps him stay on the right side of his beliefs, she'll engender in him very strong feelings of love, appreciation as well as a deep trust. In fact, she has an opportunity to accomplish something that a woman of his own faith does not. Precisely because these are not her beliefs, she will be respecting him in a way that will pay dividends their whole life together because she'll be doing it purely out of love for him. He will love her more deeply because his own self respect and self esteem will be higher. Finally, if she helps him dodge this bullet and keep to his moral compass, he'll be so grateful he'll do likely *whatever* it takes to please her once they're married.

      My hat's off to the young man for trying to live his by his moral compass, and especially to the young woman for so unselfishly trying to help him.

    Add a comment
    1. Yes, please! Email me when there are more comments after mine
    2. We need to ask you a question to prove you're a human because evil spam computers keep abusing our form!