I'm a single woman with a complicated relationship with man. He likes me but I think he's gay. Help!
I think you’ve made this whole thing far more complicated than it needs to be! You’ve been relying on guesswork.
I am a single, 33 year-old female. I have been friends with a single, 44 year-old man for the last 18 months. We were/are very close. We met at work and spent every day together. I was convinced he was gay. He was too attentive and too nice without being a sexual threat. He just felt gay! Although, he has not ever admitted so and has only had relationships with women in the past.
He has since moved to Italy. I visited him recently. He rang every day for two weeks prior to my visit. This I found unusual. He also made all the arrangements as far as hotels, transport and restaurants were concerned. We were moving around so stayed in two different hotels. He had booked double rooms in both hotels. (We previously have stayed in twin rooms on my request).
He also seemed to be flirting outrageously and seemed to be physically closer to me than he ever would have been while we worked together. On our second night away, he started masturbating in bed while he thought I was asleep. I carried on pretending to be asleep as it made me feel uncomfortable. As I mentioned previously, we were very close friends. He had often mentioned that he never had such a close relationship with a girl before, even with one of his ex girlfriends.
The problem is I still believe he is gay. He never shows any interest in women. When he talks it's always about men. He loves being around them and feels a bond with them. He has never shown any interest in me prior to this visit. He claimed not to have had sex in a year.
I felt slightly hurt by his actions as if he was just in an incredibly horny state then couldn't he have sex with just anyone else. I know this man... before this incident, he would vow to me he would happily be on his own for the rest of his life. He called women cunning and he believed they ruined men! However, he was never vindictive when talking on this subject. My sister met him once and she too thought he was gay.
Could he comfortably have sex with a woman if that is all he is used to? I love him as a friend and care for him a lot. Should I ask him straight out if he is gay or what he was planning? Since I have returned, he has been 'sharp' with me. I had sex with another man before my trip. I told my friend on advice given to me by a girlfriend. He reacted, asking what made me give it up for this guy! What to do?
I think you’ve made this whole thing far more complicated than it needs to be! You’ve been relying on guesswork - your own, your sister’s, your friends’ - and you’ll never get to the truth of the matter like that. Your letter is long and complicated, but the answer to your problem is quick and easy: write him a letter - honest, clear and heartfelt - explaining what you need to know and why you feel you need to know it. And ask him to write back to you with the same honesty.
Rather than open up and show our feelings, we can often go ‘all around the houses’ just because we’re afraid of rejection - or the possibility of feeling a bit foolish for a short time. But unless you’re sometimes prepared to risk both these things, you miss out on so many opportunities. I also feel that your attempt to provoke some kind of reaction from him by telling him about your sexual encounter with another guy is certainly not the way forward.
Sometimes it’s much easier to get your feelings out in a letter rather than a phone call or face to face, and I feel that this is one of those times. Be brave, write what you want to write, put a stamp on the envelope and stick it in the post. When his return letter lands on your mat, your guessing game will be over, and you’ll be in a position to move forward - either as friends, or something more.
Refreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.