• My wife of 16 years doesn't want sex as often as I do. How can I spice up our love life?

    My wife of 16 years doesn't want sex as often as I do. How can I spice up our love life?

    It can be surprisingly difficult to talk frankly about your desires, even if you’ve known someone for years.

    Question for JulieQuestion:

    I have been with my wife for 16 years and want to spice up our sex life - I bought a vibrator kit from Lovehoney. Our sex life has got a bit boring - it does not help having two kids.

    My wife's sex drive is really low since having the kids. Sometimes she only wants sex once a week or every two weeks whereas I’m up and ready just about every day and still lust and fancy her just like the first day we met.

    I’ve done the sexy weekends away, flowers and meals out, got a baby sitter, but it can still be hard to get her in the mood. Please help with some tips as I love her to bits.

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    Well, you sound like a bit of a dream guy - you still love and fancy your wife of 16 years as much as the day you met, you buy her flowers, meals, and even organise the baby sitter and sexy weekends away. So why isn’t it working?

    I wonder if your wife feels that maybe you’re only doing all these things as a trade-off for sex? “Great - I can’t win!” I hear you say, but don’t get me wrong - you’re obviously someone who puts thought and effort into your relationship, which I really admire. However, a lot of romantic gestures with the expectation of sex in return will tend to make the other person a bit wary of those gestures, however generous.

    You make 'once a week' sound fairly awful, but it’s not unusual; what is ‘normal’ for one person isn’t always for another. It’s a question of balancing our different appetites. But regardless of the numbers game, what you don’t mention - and what seems to be missing at the moment - is whether or not you’ve talked together

    Maybe she’s feeling a bit bored like you are - in which case, you both need to make an honest reappraisal of your needs. It can be surprisingly difficult to talk frankly about your desires, even if you’ve known someone for years, but you can always take it in turns and make it an exchange of wishes and ideas.

    It’s also possible your wife could be feeling angry in some way, or resentful, and that’s affecting her libido. It could be that she doesn’t feel great about herself these days; perhaps kids and time have taken their toll on her body and she just doesn’t feel that sexy. If this is the case, she may need a lot of reassurance from you to boost her confidence.

    These are just a few possibilities, but we’re all different, and only she can tell you what she’s feeling - and what her needs are. So carry on making quality time for the two of you to be alone together, but make it just for that at the moment - being together and enjoying each other’s company. For now chill out a bit over ‘how many times a week’ and instead just focus on communicating - asking questions, listening, and really getting to know each other again.

    Doing this will in itself will bring you closer and increase the trust between you, which in time will almost certainly refresh her interest. And remember, it’s quality, not quantity, that counts. Take all the pressure out of the situation, and just try time, talk and tenderness. I think things will start to improve in ways you may not have even imagined.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

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