• I have never climaxed with a man. I can by myself all the time but I cannot with a man. Help!

    I have never climaxed with a man. I can by myself all the time but I cannot with a man. Help!

    First of all let me reassure you that you’re certainly not a freak, and you’re not alone in what you’re going through.


    Question for JulieQuestion:

    I have never climaxed with a man. I can by myself all the time but I cannot with a man. I'm 35 and I'm with a new man and I want to - it nearly does but just never happens.

    I feel like a freak and I think that embarrassment is stopping me, due to low self esteem from having the dreaded stretch marks. We have a good sex life and I would love to be able to climax with him.

    Julie Answers...Julie Says:

    First of all let me reassure you that you’re certainly not a freak, and you’re not alone in what you’re going through. You can climax by yourself so we know you can actually do it - I reckon it’s most likely that when you are by yourself you can be yourself… You can lie back, relaxed and safe in your own world. But when a man enters the scene, understandably you don’t feel so carefree and confident…

    You mention your unease over your new man seeing your stretch marks, but let’s face it - we’ve all got something physical we're insecure about: will he want to laugh out loud when he sees that one breast is bigger than the other? Will he be repulsed by that spare tyre? Will he take one look at my cellulite city (which I certainly never gave planning permission for) and run for the hills?!

    Maybe you subconsciously want to get your lovemaking over as quickly as possible to try and avoid your partner pausing long enough to look at you? I think you may be worried that if you relax and go 'off guard' he could take this time to see your stretch marks - or even lift the lid on other things you're insecure about...

    So what’s the solution? Well I don’t think you’re going to be able to climax with your partner if you feel shy, anxious and uncomfortable when you’re naked together. You need to feel relaxed and physically at ease with him and to achieve this, it can be useful to employ the technique of massage.

    Forget the actual business of sex for the moment - and the need to have an orgasm - and just concentrate on pleasuring each other with slow, sensual stroking - nothing more that that. Set the scene with candles, dimmed lights, a bottle of wine and some soothing music and just enjoy exploring each other’s bodies with some luxurious oils. Don't go straight for the obvious sexual areas: hands, feet, inner arms and thighs - and even the scalp - can all benefit from massage.

    If one thing leads to another, then fine. If he comes and you don’t, that’s fine too - this exercise is not about climaxing, it’s all about building up the confidence to be happy in your own skin in front of your partner. Tell him the things about his body that turn you on, and ask him to tell you his favourite bits of your body. Believe me, talking like this will come a lot easier when the candles are flickering and the oils are flowing!

    Don’t just do it once - practise until you really start to let go and feel at ease. And when you do manage to come with him there, try not to worry about how you look or sound. We all look different at the moment of climax, and I’m sure he’ll just be thrilled (and turned-on) about you reaching your happy place by his side.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (1)

    • Caroline June: September 06, 2009 18:07
      I think Julie has given some great advice here. It's definitely about being comfortable with your partner - I hadn't been naked with another person in my life up until about a year ago and it's made everything so much better. Taking it slow definitely is the way to go and communication is also key. All the points you have problems with he may not even have noticed or if he has may not even think they're a problem at all! I've always been self conscious about stretch marks, cellulite and a spare tire (or three!) and it definitely took time and communication for me to be comfortable with my partner. I've never had an orgasm through penetrative sex but experimenting with oral and masturbation and toys etc is how I managed to overcome my problem with men and now there's no stopping me!

      Best of luck, I'm sure you'll get there in the end :)

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