Tuesday Taste Test - Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melts
THE THEORIES AND FINDINGS FROM THE TASTING OF A FREEZABLE INTIMATE LUBRICANT AND MASSAGE GEL
A Report by Carly "Pleasure" Drew
Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melts are individually packaged 75ml sachets of clear liquid that can be frozen and used as part of an icy cool massage or simply used as an intimate lubricant.
Unfortunately we don't have a freezer in the office (but we do have an office dog that's made of plastic and has a very interesting choice of orifices) so I can't test them out in their frozen state but I think Durex are really on to something with the freezable idea.
Remember when you were younger and, during the winter, you thought you'd give the lamp post a lick as it was covered in delicious frost? Just me? Well, more than likely you got your tongue stuck to it but that needn't happen anymore! We just need to find some way of evaporating Durex's patented Play 2 in 1 Massage Melts Lubricant and when it gets cold and frosty, you can lick lamp posts to your heart's content!
The lubricant is packaged nice and simply in a clear plastic box, with white and purple 'ice' graphics, but the real pinnacle of packaging design comes with the individual sachets themselves! These are made of vacuum formed and sealed plastic that you can turn upside down and just press on with your thumb all day! It's probably not designed as a bizarre stress toy, but it's a lovely feature nonetheless.
Upon viewing the Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melts, I will assume on appearance alone that it will be rather non-descript in taste. My theory is based on its clear consistency and its claim to be freezable. Everyone knows that things that are freezable are also edible. They're practically synonyms of each other.
HypothesisI intend to spread a single Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melt onto the back of my left hand using my index finger. I will then attempt to prove my theory true or false by licking the liquid and reporting my findings. I will make sure my hands are washed first to avoid any cross-contamination of flavours.
Experiment Diary16.02 - Open packet of lubricant and promptly spill on desk.
16.03 - Smell lubricant and try to work out what that strange odour is.
16.04 - Realise that the lubricant smells like old people and quickly stop inhaling it.
16.06 - Apprehensively spread Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melt Lubricant onto the back of my left hand and try to decide on the texture.
16.07 - After having smelt the lubricant, decide that the texture is unrealistic - which is a good thing!
16.08 - Lick lubricant from hand quickly.
16.09 - Re-taste lubricant due to uncertainty and rapidly follow up with a grimace.
FindingsThe Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melt was licked from my hand quickly and with swift, short licking motions. It tastes neither unpleasant nor pleasant. It simply is. It's like a taste enigma wrapped in a flavour of conundrum smothered in condiments made of mystery.
It tastes of something but it's almost indescribable. It's subtly sweet and inoffensive, but is not something I'd order a shot of down the pub. Unless it was cheap.
The smell however, is like weak perfume and parma violets - just like my grandmother. This could be a rather off-putting smell to have around during the lovemaking process, but unless you get really up close to it, you wouldn't notice.
ConclusionIn conclusion, my theory has been proven true - Durex Play 2 in 1 Massage Melts do have a rather non-descript taste. It's not something I would lick masses of but I can't imagine it would stop me in my quest for the ultimate icy massage!
It's also water soluble, easily washed off and pH balanced so is ideal for use all over the body. It also helps that the texture is nice and non-sticky making it great for use as a lubricant and a massage gel. I feel that if this product was frozen it could be even more effective, for both uses.