Venus Sex Show - Bonny Breasts Birds and Balls
"Proceed with caution" is the mantra of the day when it comes to a visit to Venus, Europe's (if not the West's) biggest sex show. The vast majority of exhibitors are here to show off off their XXX-rated pornographic wares, so you're rarely more than 6 feet away from a 40-inch plasma screen showing, well, 40 inches of rutting, sucking and fu... You can guess the rest.
So, with caution in mind, our first despatch from the show floor is relatively tame, focusing on a couple or three products that wouldn't look out of place in your living room - that is, if your living room happens to be in a brothel...
First up are these tasteful bean bags subtlely shaped, you will notice, to look just like giant breasts, replete with nipple. One will set you back 149 euro (about £100) which by our reckoning makes 200 quid for the pair. And yes, you do feel a right tit when you're sitting on one, as Bonny ably demonstrates.
The same company also produces two penis-shaped bean bags, with handsome helmets and wonderfully rounded balls - 179 euro each. They didn't have a good reason for why the black one was bigger than the white one - and we certainly don't want to perpetuate an untrue racial stereotype.
Next up for the home - or, we suspect, bachelor pad - is this handsome bean bag, covered in picture of a nekkid chick. Perfect, we think, for script kiddiez who may have made a fortune from pr0n warez but never got round to actually touching a real woman. Sorry, that's unfair.
The maker was quick to point out that the covers can be made in cloth or a PVC material, "You know, for when it rains." Yes, for when it 'rains'.
Also from the drawer marked "every home should have one" comes the Giant Gold Penis. Now, we don't want you to think that Bonny is on an ego-trip here, we just thought that it was essential that she was in the picture for scale. Now that's a midas touch to remember.
So, a gentle introduction to the delights of Venus, but we don't want you to feel short-changed. If you're wondering what else the show has in store, just have a quick think about what these peeps might be discussing... Cripes!