• Shopping for sexy underwear

    Or should that be, how to blow just over two grand in a few hours? I kid you not, I've seriously screwed. I have just spent an obscene amount of money on a half-necessary shopping trip. An obscene amount of money that I can't really spare. Fuck!

    OK, maybe it was necessary. Maybe everything I have bought today is absolutely essential. Yes, that's what I'll keep telling myself: I needed to spend all that cash on clothes and make-up otherwise the world would have ended. Hmmm, I'm feeling marginally better about it all now.

    So, do you want to know why I spent all that cashola in as little as four hours? The reason why I've been shopping today is because I'm going on holiday next Sunday. At last, I'm finally tearing myself away from the grime of city life to up-sticks and leg it to Mauritius for a week of glorious sunshine and embarrassing tan lines.

    Loads of my old university friends have been organizing this holiday for the past three months, and up until a few weeks ago I wasn't sure whether I would be able to make it. I finally confirmed two weeks ago and it's been non-stop ever since. It's going to be surreal seeing some of my old mates again, especially Sasha – remember her?! God, I hope she doesn't flirt with me in the restaurant. I've been so horny lately that I'll drag her out back to the kitchen quarters and eat her out in front of the entire kitchen staff...

    Ahem, sorry about that. I have an incredible amount of 'horn' lately and I'm hoping to expel quite a bit of it in Mauritius. Anyway, as I was saying, I need a new wardrobe if I'm going to be meeting old mates again. After all, I can't turn up wearing the same wrap-dress and jeans I was wearing all those years ago can I? With that in mind, I hit London this morning armed with credit cards and debit cards, ready to come bustling home with some killer holiday outfits.

    I have bought some Chanel Coco De Mademoiselle, a few nice sets of Agent Provocateur underwear and a pair of Jo Malone scented candles (I hate the smell of hotel rooms!). I've got a different dress for every night I'm out there, including a sexy Betty Jackson number, and a stunning pair of Miu Miu wedges and Nicole Farhi flats. Team that lot with tons of random tops, shorts, skirts, bags and a Kelly Brook at New Look bikini (that was my only chav moment!), and you could say I'm ready to go... except for the seaweed wrap, hot sugar polish and St Tropez treatments I'll be having later this week.

    So there you go: I've been a very bad kitty, spending all that money, but you can guarantee I'm going to be even naughtier while out in Mauritius wearing it all!

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